Losing Hope.

[Tribulations]

I am trying very hard not to lose hope right now. I have a couple other threads that are more in depth, so to keep it short. My neighbors keep provoking or triggering me, the owner of our complex won't make them stop. Even though I now have blood in my stool from all of the stress. My partner and I have been looking for a new place through various resources to no avail. I'm in the process of filing for social security income (insurance?) and/or disability.

They just set off a firecracker by our bedroom as we were settling in for bed. I didn't see them but am prety sure it was them. I put my ear to the wall suspecting it was them and heard them laughing. I am trying not to go off on them because of fear of eviction and blacking out/reacting violently. Yet I feel weak because they laugh and call me a p****, as well as other names. I can't make the pain stop and I so badly want it to. I am angry, ashamed, sad, confused, and hurt.

The past few weeks have been hard for me especially and I feel like I am about to break. I even went so far to write a will, I hate having suicidal ideations/thoughts. I just don't understand why I still suffer trying to do things the right and socially acceptable way. Everything feels like it is falling apart, and I hate these people. It makes me think maybe I should just rage out. Since being cordial yields no results except I am weak because I am not allowed to fight back. The one time I did to defend myself I get threatened for my residence to be taken away and they are allowed to continue. I just want it to end, I feel so useless, weak, and incapable.

How do you deal with feelings like this? I am so conflicted.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Just know that you can have these feelings without acting on them. I am having trouble with my neighbors too. They stand in their driveway and talk and I can hear them through my window. What helps me is to write a letter and not send it. Sounds stupid, but it helps.

 

[safenow]

Tribulations, I think the time has come for you to speak up and to hell with the consequences. Better to sleep in a car, than to live in a toxic environment.

Just know that you can have these feelings without acting on them.

Monster, those feelings are now making her physically ill. That is not acceptable, ever.

My logic behind this: being silent is causing you more harm than it is worth. Even Jesus used a whip to chase evil out of the temple. The reason being, it was His house and they were making mockery of it. Just like your neighbors are causing mockery in "your" house.

I understand turning the other cheek, but sugar, you are not God. They believe that you will do nothing, so they progressively get worse and worse. There comes a time when you have to make the decision to stop the crap.

I am not telling you to hurt them physically. What I am telling you to do is Yell, scream, stomp your feet. Let them know you won't put up with this any longer. If they bang, You bang louder. If they shout, you shout louder. If they go to the landlord, you go to the landlord.

I recommend you go online and look up the laws regarding tenants in your state. Then, print them out. Highlight the things they are doing.

That is my two cents.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Safenow, I meant suicidal ideation. We can have suicidal thoughts, but we don't have to act on them. I guess I didn't make myself clear. Sorry. I feel a little slapped down now, but I stick to what I said.

 

[safenow]

I meant suicidal ideation.

Ooops. I wasn't even thinking that at all. Sorry. And I agree with you.

 

[xena21]

First, I want to say I am so sorry you are having a tough time (and I would love to go over there and help you kick their butts). I agree with both of the above posts. Doing anything to help with the suicidal ideation by proactive distraction is good, plus actually helping your cause in your living situation would definitely sound like a good idea.

I think going after them with both barrels drawn no matter the consequences (not physically harming them I mean) but in terms of getting yourself evicted...is necessary at this point, since you're already to the point that living there is killing you. Whether it's writing letters to newspapers about the apartment owners and tenants, putting in a video camera you can buy at Radio Shack, or just carrying an audio one in your pocket when they're around... You could write the city, or contact a lawyer, and make sure to document everything they have done to you. Always document!

You don't have to just take it.

 

[Mandy7730]

I am new to this site and after reading your post I feel enraged for you! There are laws that protect you but like everything else that takes time and money. However nothing gets landlords moving like bad press, especially if you live in a larger complex. Right now with the housing market being the way it is people are buying houses cheaper and cheaper and even renting houses cheaper and cheaper. So landlords are running deals on first month free, we will waive deposits, blah, blah, blah. Now if you record the actions of your neighbours and the actions of your landlords, call your local news station.

It may take you some persistence but if u have enough for them to go on such as, letters, video, etc.. it will get noticed. If you have any sort of social networking site use that to tell your views on your apartment, your neighbours, and your landlords. Be careful to stick to what you can prove because you don't want them coming back at your for slander. As long as you can prove with video and paperwork there is nothing they can do about it. The more negative press the landlord gets the more likely he is going to do something about it. If you have any other neighbours that are bothered by these particular people tell them to do the same. They may be afraid to say something for fear of retaliation! Keep your head up! Karma has its way of making it around!

 

[Tribulations]

Yeah.... today was a bad day. I got very catastrophic (I think that is what they call it), I was in the mindset of burning this place down with myself as well. I don't remember everything that happened or everything I said just bits and pieces. I hate getting that/this angry, I lose myself. I remember taking a piece of cardboard, one of my hunting knives and stabbing it trying to get the rage out. I remember punching the floor. Other than that it is a big haze with clear bits here and there.

My problem is if I allow myself to get too angry I will do harm to others or myself. A simple screaming match can yield horrendous results. I feel it is better to turn the other cheek and sacrifice my feelings or myself rather than hurting many others. I know this from some of the horrible things I did when I was young when I just lost control. Granted I wasn't really there when it happened mentally if that makes sense.

My partner cried a lot, not because of me being mean to her or nothing like that. She was upset because she felt bad because this place is eating me alive, and this state has made me hole up. I have not seen the sun outside on my face in almost a year, that was when we had to move. I miss outside. When I was in my early teens I developed ulcers in my stomach, some bleeding ulcers. When I get very stressed I have blood in my waste (disgusting I know sorry). So to me the stress must be bad, if it is doing this to me.

I am going to explain it the best way I can. Bad feelings are like hard pills to swallow, but if you can just do it you can swallow tears, anger, and negativity in general. The reason they need to be swallowed is because there is a good side and a very evil instinctual side. If you don't cage the beast it will get out and that beast is my opposite. It is pure evil, enough evil to scare me. The reason it scares me is because I am not there, I don't remember anything or what I do. It is a very scary thing to be one place and then a totally different place with people telling you horrible actions you just did without even remembering any of it at all. It is truly very scary, it has been this way since I was young.

So I have to be very cautious about de-escalating and not escalating. I have gone through it enough times since I was a kid to know when I am about to break. Whether or not I have the mental capacity/strength to stop it is a whole different story. I know I am about to lose myself when I start phasing as I call it. I will phase in and out and lose bursts of time, or not recall things just said to me if someone tells me they just said it and have to repeat it. It is a very hard burden and responsibility, but the good side of me is afraid of what the bad side will do. I know I sound crazy, and I know it is probably very hard to understand. Hell, I don't even understand it really I just know what I have learned/taught/experienced myself.

Thank you for your suggestions, support and understanding to all of you. I just cannot allow that monster to come out, that monster is merciless, ruthless, souless and evil pure evil. I couldn't promise the safety of anyone around me if that monster comes out and that includes the people I love. I don't want to hurt my partner she has done nothing but try to help me, love me, and understand. So I just swallow it down, and try to express it differently.

I just wish doing things the right way didn't give me such negative results. I am trying to coexist with normal people but it feels like normal doesn't have any room for someone as damaged and dysfunctional as me. I am in what I a call a middle ground state, which means I feel kind of eh. Not really good, not really bad just kind of indifferent, neutral, or in limbo. I'm sorry a lot of my threads are negative, or whiney, or even seem attention seeking at times. That isn't my intent I am truly trying to help myself with what resources I have.

Thank you again.

 

[DharmaGirl]

You are where you are. You don't have to apologize for where you are. You live in a triggering place and are working hard to keep yourself stable. I understand where you are coming from, that's why my name is Monster. It seems the methods you are using to try to control the anger are actually escalating it. Are you seeing a therapist? Maybe he/she could work out a plan with you to de-escalate.

In the meantime, is the a renters coalition in your city? Can you google help for renters? Or is there a free law advice office near you? You do need to find someplace safe.

 

[Tribulations]

Some of my trauma stems from therapists, so I don't have one. Haven't had one since I legally had a say so about it. The therapists I had, well, I am not sure there is a hot enough hell to house them. I will leave it at that.

Thank you for the reassurance Monster, I am glad someone understands what I mean about the evil side. This forum to me is a for lack of better words god send. It keeps proving me wrong, not in a bad way though. I always am self conscious people will think ill of me when I post, but I am met with the opposite. It gives me faith in humanity honestly, thank you.

We are trying to find a lawyer still without having to pay our state bar to find one for us. However, priority wise I think contacting that Allsup company you referred would be first. Second would be to get out of here, and last would be the lawyer to hold these people accountable for their actions. As well as the landlord for allowing it to happen, knowing darn good and well it is wrong and illegal.

My girlfriend's co-worker referred us to her complex. It is all single level, kind of like villas or a quadplex strip. We are still trying to find a house with decent land though. The disability should help with that eventually. Anyway we're going to call the owner or property manager there and see if we can work something out. Even if it is smaller, or whatever it has to be better than here. It would be temporary and it is cheaper than what we pay for this slum.

We are looking at realtor.com/other sites like that and craigslist. Unfortunately there are so many scammers out there and not a lot of owner rented places.

Thank you again Monster for all of your suggestions.

 

[Tribulations]

Thank you all for giving me my hope back for the most part. It slips so easily sometimes, I am more hopeful but am still on edge. Limbo it's a pain in the rear.