General Losing Hope

[Some1sAngel]

Hi. I'm new to this site. I've been looking for ways to better understand the affects of PTSD involving relationships (dating). You see, I find myself in love with a Iraq Vet. I've known him for almost 8 years. But it wasn't until a year ago or so that we actually started being more than just friends. Before his deployment, he started going out. Things were great. The communications was there on a daily basis, he was always excited to see me, we would go out. It seemed a great start to a relationship. Half way into his deployment I noticed some changes towards his attitude. He seemed distant. He rarely talked about himself. But I kept writing him and sent him a care package. I did get a call from him while he was over there. Upon his return to the states, the change was more noticeable. He was even more distant. I had to basically keep in contact with him, he always responded which was good. Then I got to see him and he seemed like his old self, the caring, attentive guy I fell for. That's basically where our relationship turned into that of more than friends. But still once he returned to his base, we kept writing each other and kept seeing each other when he had his vacations. But every time I'd see him he looked very tired and depressed. I stayed by his side even tho the lack of interest was killing me. But.. I knew that "this" wasn't his fault but that he was dealing with something. We just didn't know what it was. Upon his discharge from the military this year he as diagnosed with PTSD. He's completely shut down on me. I have only seen him once in 2 months but we do communicate, not like before. Every now and then he seems to be his old self but there are times I feel his avoiding me, which hurts. Whenever we are together it feels like everything is ok. He's still attentive and loving. But when we are apart which is more than I would like to, he's cold, distant. He's keeping himself very, very busy. I'm always reaching out to him. I know he cares but why is he like this ?? What must be going through his mind ??

I want to be there for him. But sometimes, I lose hope. I feel sadden by the circumstances. He's a great guy but .. I just don't understand him. Sometimes I think it's ME he doesn't want. But I remember those times I've been with him and it's the opposite. I don't want to lose him but I don't know how to handle this. Please I need some advice on his behavior and on what I should do.

 

[Shoka]

Dear Some1sangel,

You'll read alot of good information on this site if you are willing to spend a little time exploring posts.

The biggest thing people told me in the beginning was not to take his behavior personally. That is easier said than done, but it really is the truth. If you are a couple and you want to stay in his life you will need to have some outside support and some other healthy things in your life that you can focus on which bring you happiness.

I have found in my relationship that a degree of detachment with love is necessary in order to get through the highs and lows that the PTSD behaviors take you both through.

Welcome to the site! Hang in there:hello:

Shoka

 

[Some1sAngel]

Thank u.

Thank u.
I agree. It's very hard not to take it personal. Specially when no one around me understands what is going on with him. I can't talk to anyone about this because they are so quick to judge. I, myself, am still learning about his condition. But I sometimes forget that he is dealing with this and I become impatient. But I constantly remind myself that it's not his fault. He's dealing with it good, I think. Going to the VA and taking therapy. The thing that worries me is that he keeps himself very, very busy. He's always doing something. I think he's doing this to keep his mind busy. This worries me.

 

[desperate]

I really wish I could help you. I'm in almost exactly the same situation, except we're married and have two kids. Once in a while it helps to try to talk to my husband - calmly - and in a manner that it's clear I'm worried about him and not just being needy. Most of the time he doesn't talk back much, but I do think he thinks about it, and makes a little extra effort to change some things. I understand your frustration, though - it does kind of start to feel like he's not willing to do anything for anyone but himself. I don't know if my husband appreciates the efforts I make or not, but I do know that he needs someone to do it for him.
Is your guy in therapy for this? Sometimes it's virtually impossible to get them to go, but I've heard it helps. (In my situation, the doctor keeps throwing pills down his throat and leaving it at that, so he figures if the doctor doesn't order it, it's not necessary).
Good for you for continuing to try. I hope things work out for the two of you, and for him personally.

 

[Shoka]

Dear Some1sangel,

It's good to hear he's in therapy getting help. It is a start, and something you might want to consider for yourself at some point if you are going to stay with him.

 

[Some1sAngel]

Yes. He is in therapy. They had him going quite often to the VA for therapy and doctor visits. I try to hang in there but it gets really, really hard specially when I don't hear from him. But I try my hardest and check up on him weekly. He just seems sooo far away from me. He's indifference hurts to be honest but I try to stay strong and keep saying to myself, "It's his illness not me !"

 

[ISupportHer]

The isolation that occurs really is hard. Even though I see it as part of the whole process of the PTSD survivor and, of course, part of the behavior of someone who's depressed, it is just so hard not to take it personally. I have a 31 year marriage (today actually :smile:) and wonder how I'd react if this a new relationship. So many potential pitfalls in dealing with this. Sometimes, at least in my case, I can let things roll off me but sometimes I have trouble.

Anyway, I hope you benefit by seeing here that you are not alone. I can at least draw strength from the stories and advice of others. I can't remember if I said this in a post elsewhere but I've always felt it would help if I could find someone in my community whom I could talk with. Although it's not face to face here, talking helps, for me anyway.

 

[Some1sAngel]

It is very, very hard. Sometimes, I understand his isolation from me but there are other times, I break down. I only wish I knew what was going through his mind. I want to help but he won't let me and of I'm apart from him because it is his choice how will this all end ?? TOO many ?s and no answers. I've emailed him 2x and no answer and when I text him he does answer but his answers are short. Maybe he doesn't feel like communicating at times, Idk. Should I just back off for a bit and give him space. I'm not all up in his business, don't get me wrong. I don't question him or anything. Maybe he needs time perhaps, time when he doesn't feel like he has to respond to me ??

 

[Nicolette]

Some1sAngel I suggest you read the top three threads in this section. What you are experiencing is very common and if your sufferer is demonstrating the need to be alone the worst thing you can do is try to keep contacting him and that includes emails and text messages. Pushing him is the worst thing you can do.

He does need time so if you give it to him you have a better chance of him responding to you on his own terms. Feeling pushed to communicate usually sends sufferers in the opposite direction to what you are wanting.:rolleyes:

In answer to your question....yes you should back off if you want to maintain the relationship.

 

[Some1sAngel]

Yes .. I know .. it's just soo hard :(

I just worry about him. I don't overhelm him with questions or chatter. It's just the occational joke or thought and whatcha doing ?? I'm not presurring him or anything, at least I don't think I am. I know better, even tho it's hard not to want to hear from him on a daily basis. I just want him to know I'm here for him and that I care. Even tho .. I don't think he wants to hear that at this point in time. This is sooo confusing and hard :wall:.

 

[becvan]

You may think your not overwhelming him, but even one phone call a week can be exactly that. If he wants to be left alone, then leave him alone. No ifs, ands or buts.

Worrying is not an excuse. It's understandable that you want to keep in touch but your only making matters worse.

bec

 

[Nicolette]

I'm not presurring him or anything, at least I don't think I am.

I am really sorry Some1sAngel but I am pretty sure you would find that any contact would be pressure for someone who has PTSD and is trying to isolate.

Contact is contact....it doesn't matter if it is one text message or a 10 minute phone call...it has the same impact on someone who wants to be alone.

If you love this man you have to withhold your needs for a little while and see what happens. I don't know his side of the story.

Perhaps you could try writing a letter when you have the need to communicate....just don't send it. That way you may get your release and not put additional stress on boyfriend.:think: