Relationship Losing it.

[Cleo1521]

If you can go away with a friend for the weekend. Go and enjoy yourself. Don’t wait around, it’s gre...

I’ll do something for myself this weekend. We were going somewhere special so I’m going to avoid going there. I don’t mind doing things by myself and I don’t mind him needing his space, it’s the disappearing act that I can’t accept anymore.

 

[EveHarrington]

Then set a boundary.

No disappearing on me. I am fine with you needing space, but you MUST let me know. If you disappear I will assume the relationship is over and move on.

Dollars to donuts he will push this boundary and then come crawling back to you because he always could in the past. He’ll be gobsmacked that you’re enforcing boundaries.

 

[Cleo1521]

Then set a boundary.

No disappearing on me. I am fine with you needing space, but you MUST let...

I understand this, but what’s the use in attempting to do this now. I’m positive he’s back on a disappearing act. I always try or say something. I think radio silence on my end will be a change this time around.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The use is that nothing is going to change. He is fine with doing what he's doing. You're unhappy, so you're the one who is going to have to drive change.

At this point in time I'd do some hard thinking.

How long can you tolerate radio silence? How often? Do you need to have concrete plans, or can you accept that he isn't capable of handling plans? Are you happy with the status quo? Realistically, what are your minimum requirements for a relationship? Can you make adjustments to your expectations, or are they firm?

It is what it is. He's not going to change his pattern of behavior. All you can do is decide where your hard limits are and set that boundary. He then has the choice of respecting that boundary. If he doesn't, then you HAVE to enforce your boundary.

You can't control how others behave. All you can control is your own reactions and behaviors. Telling him that he is hurting you is like whistling in the wind. You have to refuse to tolerate the behavior. He doesn't get a free pass because he has PTSD.

 

[Jrabbit]

I understand this, but what’s the use in attempting to do this now. I’m positive he’s back on a...

You don't need to have it all figure it or feel rushed to find all the answers today. A lot of very hard questions have been asked and each person on here can attest that self-reflection sucks! Changing patterns, behavior and setting boundaries is incredibly difficult. We have all attempted and failed several times. So, take his disappearing act as an opportunity to have time for you. When he resurfaces, you get to decide when you're ready to engage. It might be a newsflash to him, but this relationship it isn't ALL about him all the time.:O_o: You have a say, you have a voice. And you don't have to re-engage until you are truly ready to set those boundaries. Because when you do set those boundaries, you have to be prepared to follow through. However, please hear me when I say this:

1. You matter just as much as he does in this relationship!
2. Your feelings, your wellbeing, your heart, and soul should never be discounted just because he has PTSD.
3. You deserve to be with someone with someone that sees and appreciates all the amazing things that make you, you.
4. You truly deserve to be happy. Period.

 

[dulcia]

Oooohhhhhh @Cleo1521, I read you loud and clear buddy. I could NEVER have a conversation with my ex about anything in regards to my feelings, emotions, needs, wants, etc., without him turning it around on me: I'm selfish, I'm a child, I'm immature, I don't live in the real world, I'm crazy, I didn't fight for my country...... I had known for a long time that I was hurting myself by staying (especially hurting my self-esteem), but it didn't really hit home for me until I realized I wasn't doing him any favors by staying. I sucked at setting boundaries. Tried for years. So I would try and make a "boundary" and then not stick to the consequence I had outlined, which gave him absolutely no reason to stop the bad behavior. Why would he? I wasn't going to do anything serious or long-term about it, just a raise a big stink for a day, which he could easily turn around on my anyway. How is that doing him any good, though? It's not. My ex needed to learn that there are consequences to his actions and I couldn't help him with that. I needed to feel respected and accepted and he could not help me with that. So I left, because what's the point of denying both of us the kinds of relationships we need.

Apologies for getting a bit rambly at the end ;)

*easily turn around on my anyway

*easily turned around on ME anyway

Lolz

 

[Cleo1521]

Oooohhhhhh @Cleo1521, I read you loud and clear buddy. I could NEVER have a conversat...

He does the same to me and I end up feeling bad for being a human. It’s a horrible feeling especially coming from someone you’ve known and loved. There are times I react and I know that needs to stop because I’m not doing anything that anyone else (even him) wouldn’t do. If I don’t respond to him he blows me
Up, but if I do the same all hell breaks loose. Wait, what? He does a really good job at filling his life with temporary people...that’s what I call them anyways. I think it makes him feel better because he can pretend like everything is ok and they’d never know. I see that and that is the thing that hurts me the most and leaves me asking well what is wrong with me? That’s an issue on my end and it does get the best of me some days.

 

[Cleo1521]

The use is that nothing is going to change. He is fine with doing what he's doing. You're unhappy, s...

I don’t need concrete plans and I’m a pretty independent person in general. I’m simple...can’t make it...just say so. It’s the disappearing. We just had a talk about it a few weeks ago and after all of the wonderful responses I’ve received I know I need to make some changes. He will be expecting a reaction out of me this weekend and to be honest I’m done reacting. When and if he comes around I’ll be clear on what I won’t tolerate anymore. Could be a week from now or 5 months from now. By allowing this I feel like I’ve been enabling him more than I’ve been helping him

You don't need to have it all figure it or feel rushed to find all the answers today. A lot of very har...

Thank you. I needed all of this.

 

[Deanna]

I'm curios Cleo. Is your boyfriend medicated or not?

 

[Cleo1521]

I'm curios Cleo. Is your boyfriend medicated or not?

He is not.

Current circumstances forced him to not be able to seek help as well. He’s tried.

 

[Deanna]

He is not.

I'm sorry. I'm PTSD and medicated so thanks for answering. Its hard for me to understand these threads sometimes when it's not specified. It sounds like you know him well and have been together for a long time.

I don't understand why he's making you panic when you made it perfectly clear to begin with.

I feel for you. I can't believe he said.. You've never served in the military. ( like, that has anything to do with Chinese chopsticks)

Just keep hanging around here like I do. There are some very helpful people here with a multitude of wisdom.

 

[Cleo1521]

I'm sorry. I'm PTSD and medicated so thanks for answering. Its hard for me to understand these thr...

That was someone else who said that. I’ve known him for 27 years. Dating or not...I’ll never abandon him.