Losing People..

[Deleted member 29311]

I just need to vent and was wondering if anyone can relate..

I've met some friends a little while back when I was in a really bad state (PTSD wise). A lot of them seem to be popping back up in my life here and there, either through friends or trying to contact me.

The thing is, every time I hang out with them, it feels like I'm getting pulled back into an even worse place, back to where I used to be and it sucks because it seems to just happen inside my mind without any control over it. It completely throws me off.. It sucks because some people want to be my friend and want to be close, although they make me extremely uncomfortable for many reasons although the major one being that they make my PTSD symptoms flare up. They just happen to trigger all of my symptoms and make them worse.

I don't know how to handle someone triggering my symptoms constantly when I'm with them other then keeping them away if possible. It sucks because they like me so much and I always just vanish and keep them at a distance. Then they wonder what happened, they wonder if I hate them, etc. I'm stuck between feeling emotional pain because I hurt them a lot and looking out for my mental health. Those who were a part of my life back when I was in an extremely bad place, unintentionally make all my symptoms go full force.

I'm not sure what to do. My friend's dad happens to flare up my symptoms so much, although he loves me and wants me to go spend time with them at a cottage this weekend. I'm stuck between making this person happy and destroying my mental health and peace for a few days, which will throw me off. I'm debating on making the sacrifice or not.. The problem is that if I do that, then the person expects me to hang more and more often and wants to get really close.

It sucks that this has to happen when I'm around people from my past. It makes me really angry and it hurts me a lot. The symptoms are out of my control, I can't do anything about it unless I take medication, which I don't. That's literally the only way for me to control and cope with it, I'm just thinking I need to stop talking about it and just do it already so I can have the life I want to have and to stop hurting so many people who care about me.

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Some times that alone makes me want to take my life because it's not fair.. Every time I tell my PTSD to screw off and go hang out with someone from my past or what ever, my symptoms go full force and my mental clarity, stability and mood goes out the window. I start acting really erratic, I get extremely angry and I start saying and doing dumb crap. When my symptoms and rage flares up, I have really reckless behavior like driving like a maniac, giving the finger or swearing at random people, get into fights, etc.

I become an extremely angry and unpredictable person..

I don't want to be back at that place in my life, it's not me I hate it I don't want to go back, although it seems like when I get triggered I get pulled back into this crappy state. Even just thinking about it makes me feel like the worst human being alive, although all of it always feels justified when it's happening, like the world deserves pay back.. My perspective on the world gets skewed and I see everyone as evil and bad, I can't trust anyone, which makes me act like a complete manic.

This is why I avoid people who make my PTSD symptoms flare up, because I'm trying to avoid this, although I don't want to hurt anyone.

 

[ladee]

Am I understanding the part about taking meds, that you are considering taking them now? It does help with social anxiety. I think it is awesome that your recognize that you will be in an unhealthy place with them, yet wanting and needing friends...
Hope you slow your mind down , look at the fact you are trying to take care of yourself here, but at the same time desire friends... could you go for a little while, then leave when you think you are starting to feel overwhelmed?
That is awesome that you are so self aware !!
What grounding techniques do you use? And, may I ask why you have not wanted to take meds in the past?

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Am I understanding the part about taking meds, that you are considering taking them now? It does help wit...

Thanks ladee : )

To be honest that's what I usually do, I've noticed that I'm able to go hang out for a little bit and when I start to feel overwhelmed I leave. Everything's good as long as I know I have a way out, just in case. It isn't as easy if let's say I went on a trip or something, which I would never do anyway.. I can't put myself in a situation with no way out in case things don't go well.

The only grounding technique I use is yoga right now and having a lot of alone time so I can ''let go'' and feel relaxed. What about you, what kind of techniques do you use?

I'm terrified of mental meds, which is why I never took them.. Although I'm starting to think otherwise. Supposed to start anti-psychotics, have the bottle and everything. What meds have worked best for you, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[ladee]

Happy to hear you have a plan when you are out with people. And I do understand wanting to be alone.. to be with what ever is going on, no masks, just being with it. And not having to explain or pretend...
My major grounding is going into nature. If I can be out there... I feel safe. I feel postive energy, I feel like breathing, not doing that shallow stuff I do around people...
I also listen to Tara Brach tapes, and she has many wonderful meditations. I have a hard time concentrating right now, and her meditations are about 10 minutes long.. Google her. I think you might find a lot of her stuff that would help you. She has many lectures too that help.
I am currently on Celexa for depression... this one has been very good for me. No side affects.. No miracle drug either... still have to work to maintain... there are no magic pills. Just recently got off of Klonopin, a very bad med for me... works great for others...but am now on Buspar for anxiety... sometimes you have to hunt and peck to find meds that work for your situations... If you have a T, they could help you to see what you might need... There are fast acting anxiety meds... benzo's , but am trying to distance myself from those ...
What are your concerns about taking meds if you don't mind me asking? To do this healing work, takes tremendous self discipline to do it without meds... I am not one of those... it can be done. I don't see me ever being off anti's as part of mine is chemical imbalance... I would love to eventually not have to take anything for anxiety.. But am not there yet..
You are very self aware. That is remarkable, so kudos to you for that !!! If your goal is to be able to be more sociable, I feel you will accomplish that. Take your time, find your own path, and stay present here. Others will come on and share and possibly have suggestions for meds also... or simply start a thread and ask questions..
Just very glad you are here.... this is a safe place to be... wishing you well if you are considering meds. Get as much information as you can to make an informed choice. You are not alone.

 

[EveHarrington]

Real friends understand and won't make us sacrifice our own health/well being just to make them happy.

I find it interesting that you say these people want to be friends with you but you don't say that you want to be friends with them. Do you want these people as friends?

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Happy to hear you have a plan when you are out with people. And I do understand wanting to be alone.. to...

Honestly the reason why I want to be alone 99% of the time, is mainly because it's excruciatingly exhausting trying to hide my symptoms and not have any ''freak outs'' when I'm in public, so I have to suppress all of the sensations in my being and stay still (physically) as much as possible. It's nothing against anyone.. just me finding it extremely difficult to hide my symptoms in public (I'm fine when I'm in a quiet private area, like someone's home, parks, etc). I've always had OCD and severe social anxiety my whole life to begin with, so that alone makes it hard enough!

Thanks for sharing Tarah Brach, I'll have to check her out btw..

Unfortunately I do not have a T, I had one although it didn't help me despite their good intentions.

I haven't started medications because I'm afraid they'll harm me, so I'm stuck between being mentally tortured every day or risking potentially becoming ill in some other way. I also have a chemical imbalance which is causing a lot of funky experiences. I'm starting to lean towards medication a lot because what I'm experiencing these days is becoming unbearable, my head often feels like it's going to explode. The doctor said if I continue without meds, I risk developing a more severe psychological issue because the stress I experience every second and everything is slowly deteriorating my brain function. She said it's basically causing me a lot of harm (to my brain and general physical being) not to be on medication right now..

Also I want to thank you for being so kind to me ladee, same to you EveHarrington if you're reading this! It honestly means a lot to me to have support from anyone, especially someone who knows what it's like to not have control over something you wish you could change.

You're right, by the way.. Right now is just not my time to shine, it's my time to heal and figure my life out, I see it as a massive hurtle that could potentially ruin my life forever, although perhaps I can overcome it with medication being my next and potential final step.

Again, thanks for taking the time to read this if you've read it all, I know I rant lol it means a lot to me though honestly!

 

[ladee]

Reading, hearing and supporting. What is the worst that will happen with meds? This fear is legitimate if not necessarily founded. Have you had bad experiences on meds before? do you mind sharing what your fears or concerns are?

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Reading, hearing and supporting. What is the worst that will happen with meds? This fear is legitimate if...

I'm afraid I'll have breathing problems, my face or mouth will go numb, or I have seizures, I lose feeling in my limbs, etc. I know it's pretty rare for that to happen with these meds although it still sketches me out.. I've never had bad experiences with meds before because I've taken any..

Anyway those are my worst fears, I don't like anything that has to do with my throat, neck or face so if it makes me have trouble breathing or something I'll panic and stop taking them.

 

[EveHarrington]

TBH, in all serious, my doc said much of the same------that if I didn't start taking meds then I risked getting much, much worse. I started taking meds immediately. That was awhile ago, and a few meds ago.

Just remember-------the chances of the first med you try being the best med for you aren't that great------that is, taking meds oftentimes involves a bit of trial and error. And------meds can indeed be a temporary thing that you use to help stabilize while you work on healing, learning coping skills, etc.

I still have a few meds that I take when things get bad. (Will probably take one tonight as I was almost hit by a jerk in a car as I crossed the street and now I can't stop shaking, ugh.)

I hope you at the very least give the meds a try. I worry about your symptom level.

:hug:

 

[Enaila]

I have a friend who is supportive. When I was having to try different meds, I made sure she knew so she could give me feedback as an outside person on my behavior and so I had a contract if I started to become afraid from taking the medicine. I usually have adverse reactions to medication, so am really leery too. I take lexapro for depression and ambien to help me sleep (I'm typing this at 3 in morning.....ambien doesn't always do the trick..) I had terrible experiences with what I now know are Benzos nd knew within one or two doses of two different ones they weren't going to work for me. While it scared me, it has been worth it to have something which helps me be able to focus on becoming healthier. Having a good therapist is priceless as well.