Losing The Spark?

[Dylan]

Hello All.

I'm currently experiencing a recurring problematic theme in my life so I thought that I'd, finally, see if others with CPTSD experience this.

Throughout my life (I'm nearly 47) I've experienced thinking, even believing, I've got a real bead on a direction I want to go. It feels solid, very real, and resonates strongly in an authentic way with my "sense of self". It feels like 'my truth'. And then....I lose the spark of it.

I'll use my most current experience as an example: I decided I wanted to go back to school. I haven't been able to go for the last 4 years due to work stress. So I did all the foot work, made it happen, got registered and now...I've lost the spark of it. I can't remember in any real way why I wanted to go to school. It has as much meaning, as much resonance, as considering going to Pluto. I can't even begin to think why I wanted, would ever want, to go back to school.

Clearly, it's not about laziness or lack of motivation -- I'm known as a very diligent, ethical person in my work. I work hard. When motivated (pre-spark-loss) I am very energetic, creative and assertive in getting the thing I (think) I want in place. But when I lose the spark...there is absolutely nothing there.

I don't suffer from MPD/DID, but it does almost feel like an emotional presentation disorder. The presenting face of myself (even to myself) was clear and strong in 'its' knowledge of what 'it' wanted. Very focused, very motivated. Then the face switches and it's just gone. Nothing left.

I have, in the past, soldiered on in the direction that the spark had guided me to go, thinking it was just a phase or a mood that was blocking my enthusiasm and focus. But it just doesn't come back.

This...condition has rendered me somewhat impotent in directing my life. I never know if it's "real" or not, if all the work is worth it, if it will pay off in being a true direction for me. It's like my compass never stays on true north. It points north, I start in that direction and then, as if I'm caught in some bizarre Devil's Triangle, it begins wheeling all over the place and I lose all sense of direction. Then, the next time it points north, it's in a different direction.

So...just wondering if other CPTSD folks experience this or not. It feels associated to the lack or varying sense of self that comes with the CPTSD package but I'm just not sure.

Thanks in advance for any feedback,
Dylan

 

[intothelight]

Hi Dylan,

I can be very enthusiastic about something and then get derailed. But it is usually tied to anxiety or depression and then the motivation returns. Do you lose yours all together or does it just ebb and wane?

Deb

 

[Abrasky]

Yes I like how you put that. Perhaps the spark is something my subconsious knows there, but the brain can't remember. You have a feeling you knows which way to take, but the moment it takes that path, there feels like there is an emotional block there and you stop taking the path, turn around and go back the way you came because that feels was true North, even though it isn't and you are going West.
I think my spark is someone that gives me a drive to keep going.I know from memories I go back, my spark came from one particular incident when I was 9 when I decided to achieve as a way of getting away from the abuse, then I got another spark when I was 17 which was where I learned from a friend about self worth and that if I failed I just needed to do little things. (My lesson from my abusive dad had been if I fail do powerful things like yell at people and chuck things and be the most powerful one) That little things gave me another spark and I graduated from Uni. Sparks are in the subconsios I think we know they are there, but sometimes can't reach them if that memory becomes trauma effected. Not all memories become trauma effected with PTSD, I think the spark ones are the second worst to have PTSD mess with.

 

[kers]

I do best when I am starting things because it feels new, fresh--like this time, I've found a solution to whatever my problem is and things will go smoothly. When it proves to be as rough as ever, I am often discouraged and lose my enthusiasm. Then I find myself slogging away like always.

I don't know why this is or if it's the PTSD or what. But I am reminded of something my therapist says when I complain of a symptom. He'll ask, "What is this pattern trying to tell you? What are you supposed to be learning from this?" Sometimes when I find the answer I understand myself better.

 

[Heather]

Hey Dylan - I can completely relate to this especially when it comes to furthering my education....I would think that i'd be interested in something, register for classes and then lose interest and not finish. I have tried sooooo many things: medical assisting, respitory therapy, radiation therapy, elementary education with minor in psychology, paramedic and finished none of them.

Now I'm not even working. not even sure I could hold a job. I think you are right when you talk about the lack or varying sense of self - cause i don't even know who i am anymore. this past year has been so difficult. for awhile i really thought I was losing my mind. Heather

 

[cat]

Hi Dylan - I can relate to your post too. For me losing my 'spark' has been very frustrating & i put it partly down to medication the other part I'm not sure of, but think its depression & my lack of concentration. I notice this mostly in connection to work, before CPSTD i was very focused keen to learn new skills, had started a distance learning degree & was always busy at home.

I'm interested in your theory that's its due to lack of self, i thought that through therapy i had a better sense of myself but i seem to have lost it again. As someone once said on here 'ptsd, the gift that keeps giving' I feel that our work to maintain our recovery is ongoing, we will always have to question what we are feeling & challenge our thoughts to maintain our 'spark' and I guess the more recovery we make the better we will get at it.

 

[Aine McA]

That is the very same as me! Im clever, able to get every thing i need, in order to go forward.I have great ideas and am very creative. Its like i can do the up hill bit but as soon as it levels out i loose interest. Its a nightmare, my partner is so steady, has his own business and is able to go out at 8am and plod though day after day, i am amazed. I just cant seem to be consistant, and it's hard. As i am falling away from path i have cut, i go into a depression!
Also my partner doesn't understand how i can just loose my drive, as i seem to have so much!
Thank you for writing this, its making me think!!!! instead of cry!

 

[Jestadud]

Procrastination. Look it up on Wikipedia.

I thought I knew what it meant then I saw someone advertising help for stress related problems and they mentioned procrastination so I looked it up and lo and behold it means an inability to finish things. You can have all the enthusiasm for starting new projects then run out of steam and end up unable to finish them. This is me to a T just ask my wife.

It is virtually an illness in it's own right, up there with anxiety,depression etc.

 

[patrick]

I thought it was just me that had this problem. I have had three distinct vocational careers and ran out of steam on all three. Countless jobs, many of which seemed like the answer to my dreams when I got them. I seem to get what I think are profound insights that tell me, "This is it for sure, Pat. You've finally found out what really matters." I'll have a spurt of energy and passion for something, pursue it doggedly, and in short time wonder what the hell I was thinking.

I don't have a clue what it is that makes me this way. I have been successful in all three careers; never had a problem finding work in any of them. For the last two years I've been working full time at recovery, and I'm starting to run out of steam on that now. Let's see, I've had three wives, too. Aw, who the hell knows.

 

[Heather]

Well, at least I know it's just not me:)

 

[Heather]

anyone have any ideas on how you overcome it?

 

[patrick]

I wish I did, I've been hoping for forty years that I would find a passion that would last. During the last couple of years that I've been in treatment I've wondered if it was a symptom of PTSD or just a character weakness. Still don't know, but I guess all I can do is to continue to persue passions as they arise, and hope that some day one of then will really stick. Other than that, I really don't have any ideas.