Losing The Spark?

[Dylan]

Thanks everyone for your responses. It would seem that this trait/stymptom may well be related to CPTSD.

I don't think it's procrastination, per se, since I'm willing to jump in and work hard, slog through things I don't want to do. It's that I lose all sense of meaning associated with what I'm doing. Once meaning is lost, motivation drains away.

I know that one of the symptom criteria of CPTSD is "alterations in systems of meaning". My hunch is that this 'losing the spark' thing is associated with that.

Kers, I tried asking myself the questions you posed:

• What is this pattern trying to tell you? That I'm seeking too much of a sense of self outside of myself. That I tend to rely too much on what I do, produce, accomplish for my sense of self, for self worth. That I'm seeking from those activities or accompishments to fill me with a sense of who I am and, since they can't, I turn up empty eventually. That I am seeking, in those activities, to leave this shell of a sense of self behind and hope to find a better self, a stronger (sense of) self - and that maybe I'll then be like other people seem, who are doing these things: whole, complete, engaged, present, so sure of their reality and their purpose in the moment.
• What am I supposed to be learning from this? That I need to spend my focus and time engaging and sitting with that hollow emptiness, to compassionately face that which drives me outside of myself.

This is just what I came up with in sort of a free-association-writing way, but it rings true. I've been thinking about getting back to meditation, so I think this is where I should start.

Thanks for posting, Kers. Often your posts resonate with me and are helpful, so thanks. Patrick, I related a lot to your experience with this, as well. I, too, have thought it must be some character defect or flaw.

Thanks again, everyone, for your responses. If anyone else tries the questions Kers suggested I'd be interested in what you come up with (if you care to share).

 

[patrick]

Dylan,

Your answers to the questions blew me away. I had never even come close to thinking that way, but it rang so true for me. Thanks

 

[Trinomial]

Hi Dylan,

I have CPTSD and have similar issues.

Mainly, I see a lot of potential and opportunities--so it's no surprise that I've switched my major in college almost as often as I change my clothes!

I get into a subject (let's say psychology) and then I start reading more on biological and physioligical aspects, which leads me to neuroendocrinology. Then I get wrapped up in chemistry and learn about quantum principles. So now I'm looking at quantum physics and cellular physiology. Then I start questioning what I am doing, I examine myself, which leads me to philosophy and eventually back to psychology.

I don't finish what I start and I have little to no self-concept which impedes me further--because questions I always wind up asking myself is: Why am I studying this? What do I really want to do with my life?

Part of me wants to get a doctorate in something and study other things on the side, so I can take an interdisciplinary approach and have a good career. Another part of me thinks that I am not designed to live in this kind of culture and society and I don't want to even bother.

So I go back and forth a lot. I'm indecisive because I learned to never trust myself (because of the abuse growing up) and on top of that, I am jaded by the possibilities. It is difficult to see "the Big Picture" and experience that, and have to stay in this microcosm of an existence.

I am hoping the new therapist will be able to help me stop being so thoughtful and introspective and help me get a grip on this external world. I feel as though I shut out the world and the possibilities in order to shield myself from the pain of it, and now I am trapped in my introverted world where not much "moves" me.

Like I said, I see the possibilities and potential--but because I am so turned inward, it is hard for me to let go of that and experience my life fully.

I lost my spark when I was very young.

Anyway, good luck to you. I understand completely and I struggle with this every day myself.

 

[Trinomial]

I wanted to add: Perception has a lot to do with it for me.

I realized a few years ago that there is no right or wrong path, only consequences. That outlook doesn't help much when I am trying to figure out what to do with myself.

Life is pretty simple. It's the complexity of how we make choices and what possiblities we see that make it convoluted or difficult.

 

[just me here]

I honestly thought I was bi polar for awhile there, I did the same thing you describe as losing spark, but I would just abandon projects or hobbies for years while I pursued other things and then return to them sometimes years later and wonder why I ever wanted to pursue them at all.

I wonder sometimes if the experience of having my life run through a blender and surviving it has taught me that I can come out the far side with my feet under me, always have, always will. Doing it for myself is kind of empowering when I have had it done to me so many times.

As long as my choices don't affect someone else, boxing up a hobby or a college degree program or a business venture and burying it in the bottom of a closet for a few years is my choice to make and I have done it many times with no regrets. I wouldn't call it losing spark, I would call it redirecting my energies.

When I finally did return to my college degree, I was focused and sure and it carried me through to graduation. When I went back and looked at plans to drop my leases and start farming my property on my own as a second job, I had to wonder why I ever thought long hours and worrying about the weather ever seemed like a possibility I wanted to jump into.

No worries, Dylan. Go where the juice takes you, drop the dead ends when you can do it without affecting someone else who is counting on you, it's all good.

 

[Freddy_hiding_less]

Hi Dylan!

About this spark

Sometimes it seems so clear to me that there is kind of a almost permanent standoff inside me between a longing to just give up and being held and cared for like I was a very little child and another force like rage wanting to punish and revenge everyone for letting me down.

This just comes out in my kind of passiv(very passiv) aggressiv lifestyle of avoidance.

This is so-energy consuming, so life-consuming, not much spark left.

Just these days maybe I found someone who can listen to this my thinking without closing up or diminishing it, this feels like a very important path for me to pursue hopefully my friend stays with me for a while with this one.

Maybee this have some relevance to what you are going through.

 

[Philippa]

I've had the same thing for years. SO glad I am not alone there.

What you said in your last post Dylan, made some sense to me, and it helped me to see where my former 'friend' who also has PTSD was projecting his own stuff onto me, when he would tell me I need to do more to accomplish, which was more his own trip as he has a lot of energy he needs to channel. I find value in doing nothing and just being, where as he finds his self value in being constantly productive...so I am now assessing how much of what he said to me to really hold onto and how much to let go of, as he was constantly projecting his own stuff onto me anyway.

I think pacing ourselves with projects can be a way of giving consistent attention to something we want to create or complete, and if we force it when we are becoming despondant, it doesn't work. Maybe it's just the nature of things with projects, that they ebb and flow (without sounding too new agey), so unless you're the sort of person who HAS to complete what they started and cannot take a break, the rest of us need to maybe get better at establishing a consistent habit of doing little bits here and there? These are just my thoughts, I have no idea if it is helpful to everyone, or me, as I have let a few things fall by the wayside from losing that enthusiasm. It's been a long standing issue for me also.

It's great you raised the subject though...I thought maybe I was just hopeless at following through.

 

[Teddy]

A spark? What is it and where does it come from? Why did we have one in the first place? what was it that made this idea so sparky? What where we trying to get out of the spark? What made us so want to do what we then couldn't do?
I once got told that to set a goal you had to find the reasons why you wanted it first. What made it so important. Then WRITE it down. If it was a life goal you were trying to set then start by asking yourself, if you could control all factors, what would your life be like in 5 years time? Write it down!
Then plan the plan. Write it down!! Count it backwards in time and work out what you need to do to achieve it. Write it down!!
Set 1 month, 2 month, 6 month, 12 month, 2 year and then 5 year goals. By writing it down you can read it at any time. The more emotive the writting the more you will help boost the spark if it starts to get a bit dull. (or dies out all together)
By writting it down in as much detail as possible it helps you work through what it is you are looking for and why you are looking. If you loose interest at this stage then junk it and see it as an 'idea' but one that right now doesn't fit.
When you have it all written down and you have gone through all the whys and hows and the emotions of it (and really the emotions are what feeds a spark) then you can get started.
If you don't do these steps then it is a bit like inviting some one to a party and not telling them when it is on, the time, what it is for, where it is being held etc etc. How can any one get to a party without all that information.
I am not a guru just a plain woman that suffers ptsd and decided that it wasn't going to take my life away as I had kids and a husband and wanted to 'get some where'. This is what I did, this is how I have stayed the course for 16 years and now after spending $1000 on the outlay 16 years ago, run a very successful business that is very creative, and now supports my family and has done for the last 8 years as a sole income.
If I feel a bit less sparky on any one day then I either choose to rest that day as I can get obsessed with it as fast as I can procrastinate or I read the 'written' stuff and get back on track again.
As long as you know where you want to end up, does it really matter how you get there.
I get the feelings, I deal with them a lot lately (more so than usual) and this is how I have dealt with the problem. I hope it might help.
Some days I have to go through the goal of getting out of bed and why should I, when should I and what is the reward if I do. so I get it. Build your dream around your desires and remind yourself of why you need it and all seems to unravel.

 

[just me here]

I have been thinking about Dylans original post some more and about my own dropped projects, and I have to ask if it could just be a part of a constant search for diversions from the reality of being triggered and hypervigilant when we don't have something else to put our minds to work on. I know that the hobbies I have that totally involve my complete attention are the ones I keep going back to, the ones that I get bored with or require less than full imersion and attention get dropped.

 

[Innordinate]

Maybe the spark knows best and goes away because it was enough just to start down that road.
I'd be happy if I could start down some path to somewhere decent.

Sorry if someone else already mentioned that in here... the thought came to me before I read everything

 

[Mina]

I don't know if anyone will relate to this or not...

My sister (who also has PTSD) and I were recently discussing the elusive "spark". For us, much of it has to do with fear - fear of failure, fear of loss of control (related to fear of being "consumed" by something), fear of not being good enough, fear of committing myself to something, and I think even fear of success. We both envy people who have that spark, which I consider a passion for something (sorry if that is not the same thing as the spark; it's how I think of it), and especially those who maintain it. At some point in the last couple years, I realized that for my entire life, I was never encouraged to be passionate about anything except religion. Not God, but religion. And it was in such a confined, scripted, judgmental way that it didn't ring true for me. I remember being 13 and having such a passion for horses, then getting ripped up, down and sideways about it while my father screamed things like, "You should never let anything consume you! NOTHING!!!" and did his best to ruin it for me and make me feel horrible. He succeeded. I never really allowed myself to fully commit to anything after that. Pride was also an awful, terrible thing, so even when I was good at something, I wasn't allowed to enjoy that feeling, and especially not say so out loud. Discussing or acknowledging your strengths equaled bragging, so you were supposed to completely downplay and even disparage them.

Because of all that bullshit, now when I get going on something, those quiet fears hold me back. What if I get too involved? What if I really like this and am good at it? What if I really like this and am NOT good at it - can I handle that? What if I like this and it gets taken away from me? It's gotten so much better not having my parents in my life for the last 18 months, but the prior decades are not countered quickly - as we all know :rolleyes:

 

[anthony]

Religion IMHO is the #1 cause of major f*ckups in this world... not much good usually comes from it IMHO. As you mentioned + wars, child abuse, parental abuse due to religious beliefs... just all bad.