Loss Of Appreciation.

[Philippa]

I'm wondering if anyone here has experienced losing the ability to really appreciate others, due to PTSD?

I used to be very appreciative of everyone, and then I could no longer seem to be able to appreciate anyone or anything, and could not figure out why?

Does it ever come back? I got a glimpse of feeling like I appreciated the women I work with last night, so I felt hopeful that it might have finally returned for me, but not sure it will stay. I really want that quality back.

 

[Deleted member 20072]

It'll come I'm sure. How long ago was your trauma? I found it the same for a long time than I forced myself to appreciate small things. Just start small. I find myself sometimes having a hard time appreciating cause I don't think I'm worthy of nice things done for me. Is that the same with you?

 

[Philippa]

I force myself to have treats, to train my mind into over riding any feelings of unworthiness. It's more being able to appreciate individuals for who they are that I'm talking about. I used to be able to see and appreciate people and felt very good about that, but then I closed off from people all together. Now I fake being more social, but don't often feel like I am appreciating others enough. Maybe that is being too hard on myself though? I also have the same thing with being grateful enough...having been told I'm so ungrateful so much by my mother.

My traumas occurred over 20 years ago, though the sexual assault was about 10 years ago now. I'm pretty sensitive though, so it has been a very slow process. I have felt in the last year that I am much less symptomatic than ever, and I think it's due to having found the right home of my own, though now that is in question as I am looking for a new place, due to some issues with the landlord.

I am realizing my need for stability and the need to belong are very strong right now, but don't think it is affecting my ability to appreciate others.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey Philippa, yeah I can relate to this. I was reading the combat forum the other day (I'm not a vet, but I was curious about their symptoms and their stories) and I read this one thread about people feeling that "everybody else" is just dumb or stupid. Now that's the other extreme of not being able to appreciate people, but I think it's on the same continuum: I used to think everybody else was plain dumb too and get really angry at them for it.

That's better now, I don't see them in this way anymore (only in situations where I'm really stressed) but now I still have the appreciation thing, too. I think appreciating people is difficult because then you are admitting that they are allright (even though your fear may be screaming otherwise) and that means that you let them be closer to you instead of pushing them away. There's been times where I felt ungrateful too (when people are trying to help me and I react cold or angry) but I can deal with that, since I know it is not in my nature to be ungrateful.

I don't think these things come back all of a sudden. You've had one of these moments now where you could appreciate people around you, so there will be more of these moments. And then you go collecting these moments and it comes back to you slowly :) I'm not there yet, but I think it works that way.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks Radise, that is reassuring. I guess you're right, and any sign of it returning is hopeful and worth acknowledging. I think there might be something to what you said about letting people be closer to you instead of pushing them away. I also thought most people are dumb and moronic at one point, but I never linked it to trauma. Hmmm..

I definitely get the thing where you react to people trying to help with coldness and anger. Often I find it hard to not snap at someone who has good intentions, but what they say just isn't helpful.

I feel resentful that I am expected to then show gratitude for their unhelpful comment, which can make things worse at times. I have had issues with feeling like I am never grateful enough, after being told how ungrateful I am whenever I try and assert that I don't want to do something my parents wanted me to do and expected me to do.

 

[The Albatross]

Philippa, appreciation (for me) began to come back when I became more with the efforts than the results. I could see people trying to engage me, assist me, be with me, share with me... and when I could focus more on that they were attempting to connect or maintain a connection, I began to restore some sense of it. Best I can do today, not feeling too well.

 

[Philippa]

Oh Alba, I hope you feel better very soon.