mysweetheart
New Here
Hi. I'm Chelle.
In 2012 I had just came out of a four and a half relationship and was not looking for love, especially not looking for a relationship. I put my info on stupid dating websites because I got bored and wanted people to talk to, strictly friends. Well, randomly I messaged a guy with the screenname 'dookiedookie' - yeah I know, awesome and dumb. We texted back and forth, then I ended up in the hospital at the end of August with a severe kidney infection, and we texted constantly for 6 days, and then he asked me if I wanted to go to a local place that is a trampoline park. I said sure, as long as we can go to the club afterwards. It was agreed.
Well, it was the day of the 'hanging out' because I refused to call it a date, even though just texting back and forth and the couple of calls we made, made my heart flutter and I didn't like it. It was my nieces birthday party, the 15th of September 2012. I was nervous. After the birthday party I came back home, and rushed to get ready. Since the trampoline park was first, I put on some gym shorts type things, basically something that was gonna be easy to move around in. But, I brought the dress that was for later on at the club.
He showed up at my parents, which is where I was living after moving back in from living with the ex, and well, my Dad was out back filleting fish. Justin AKA dookiedookie went and shook my Dad's hand, fishguts and all. I was still getting ready, so I had no idea about any of this til after everything happened. My Mom was sitting on her computer, and while I was getting ready I heard a knock on the door. I was freaking out, I wasn't finished getting ready. I listen to my Mom and Justin talk while I finished getting ready. Well, the way my parents place is set up, there is a cloth separating the living room, so I hadn't seen him face to face yet.
So the moment came, and I pulled back the cloth, and saw him face to face. You know that moment people talk about that happens that you roll your eyes at and call them stupid or cheesey or liars? At least that's what I did. It happened to me. I fell for him, hard. I saw his eyes, and it's like I saw my future, the rest of my life with the person standing in front of me. Needless to say, I was scared shitless. I did not want love. I didn't even want a relationship. None of it, it was all too much and not worth it in my eyes anymore.
Let's just say it ended up being called a date, and we started 'officially' dating 3 days later, September 18th 2012. I fought it. I told him I didn't want to burden him, because at the time I was not the most mentally healthy person, and was dealing with a lot of past crap. I told him I didn't want to make his life worse, because I was so mentally unhealthy. He didn't care. He was gentle. He was patient. His eyes was like looking into pure selfless love. He was someone I would not usually go for - the good guy. Being wrapped in his arms was like being surrounded in a blanket of pure love and just no matter what, he could calm me down.
I ended up pretty much moving in over at his house, which he lived with his Mom, Grandpa, and brother. He hated living there, because of the emotional abuse his grandpa dishes out on everyone. He wanted out, bad. I hated leaving him there. Just as he loved me selflessly, I ended up telling him MAYBE a month after we started dating. I said, "You know that thing people say you only need 5 seconds of complete bravery to have something awesome happen?" Then he said, "Yeah?" So I said, "I'm in love with you, and it's scary, but I can't stop." Lol, and his response was , "Me too." I said, "You're in love with you too?" He said, "No, I'm in love with you.".
Every moment I was around him, I felt at ease. I felt loved.
In December 2013 I ended up getting pregnant. The thing is, I had gotten a ligation due to how poor my mental health was, and the fact that I had previously never wanted children. After being with Justin for a while we started talking about having a reversal, and then I'd sometimes think I'd just magically get pregnant, and we'd have a baby together, our own family. Well, the pregnancy was in my newly grown tube. Yes, my tube grew back.
I knew I was pregnant before I knew I was pregnant, I felt her. But I also knew something wasn't right. I found out I was pregnant for sure on Friday the 20th of December 2013. I went to the hospital because I knew there was a high change it was ectopic. They couldn't figure out if it was. Justin and I were terrified but excited, and hopeful. The next day he was at work, and I started having severe pain in my side. I ended up having his Mother take me to the hospital, they did 2 pelvic exams, and my pregnancy hormone had dropped. Meaning basically even if it wasn't ectopic, the baby wasn't there completely anymore. I didn't feel her when I woke up Saturday morning, and I was just thinking okay I'm fine, then after the pain started, I knew it wasn't good.
Justin was able to get there about 8pm or so, and I was crying. The look on his face when he saw me was pure terror. He was so protective of me, and would have been an amazing Father. I ended up going into surgery, and my tube had ruptured and I had internal bleeding. They took out both tubes, to make sure that I would never have an ectopic pregnancy. We decided we would do IVF. He assured me and assured me, we'd have a family together. He'd make it happen. That I deserved more than anyone to be a Mother.
In December we also got a new car, a 2001 Ford Focus with a wagon body. We were originally going to get a Toyota, but he saw the Focus and said that was it. I was iffy because well it's a wagon body, and I was doubtful about being able to have a family. His previous car was a 2006 Chevy Aveo LS, and the head gasket was messed up, for the second time. Somehow we were able to get the car to the Auto Store, that was about 45 miles away, then when they were taking it to be fixed, not even 5 miles down the road, the head gasket completely blew, and smoke was rolling.
We moved into an apartment February 5th 2014. I was so happy. I woke up before him, cooked him a breakfast pretty much every morning besides MAYBE 5 mornings. He'd come home to supper, pretty much every night besides again MAYBE 5 nights. He'd surprise me with slurpees, and small things. He made me the happiest I had ever been in my entire life, and I only wanted to do the same for him. Many people said I did, that he was so happy.
March 12th 2014. Early that AM, like 1am, I messaged the person we decided to officiate our wedding on September 18 2014, which is later this year. We had decided on the location, which was a park, and the shelter was right beside the location in the park, where we were going to have the reception. He decided on the kind of suit, and I decided on my dress. It was going to be a rustic DIY wedding. I had worked on the invitation design with a program I use for editing pictures. Our colors were a light olive green, lavender, and ivory. We were going to do a hand-binding ceremony as well.
We spent the 12th out all day. I had my weekly therapist appointment, then we went to look at a replacement promise ring because the one he gave me Christmas was messed up some. We found one, kind of, but he wasn't a big fan of it, and I liked it. Basically I wanted a ring to let people know I was promised to him. We went to a CD store in the mall as well, and I got an America CD, I like good music. Next, we went to Krispy Kreme, he wanted a coffee and a donut, he asked if I wanted anything, and I said no, but he came out with a smiley face creme filled donut. I never got to eat it. Next we went to a local store where we're friends with the owner, talked for a few hours, and a huge storm blew through. After the sun came back through, we left to go to the apartment. He asked what I wanted for supper, and I said I really didn't want to cook, and he said, "Well, we have those coupons for pizza still, right?" I said, "Yep!" So he said, "Well, we can go to the apartment, get the coupons and go get pizza." and I said, "Yeah, we can call it in, go get the coupon, go get my medicine, then go pick up the pizza!" He then said, "But do you want pizza?" and I said, " Of course I want pizza!".
*********TRIGGER WARNING***********
The next moment has, and will forever change my life. A tree crashed on top of our car, from his side. The tree was a pine tree, and was huge. My side, what very little was not crushed, I was able to get out of. I blacked out for a very, very short period of time. When I came to, I couldn't see him. I screamed for him, and he didn't respond. I tried opening my door, and I couldn't get it open, so I un-did my seat belt, and jumped out of the window that was knocked out by the force of my hand hitting it. I ran around to his side, and his face was being blocked by a large limb. I ripped the limb away, and his face was fine. There was just a lot of blood coming out of his mouth, and the side/back of his head was bloody. I felt for a pulse, and I felt it. It was there. I kept saying I love you I love you I love you Justin I love you fight Justin fight I love you I love you I love you. Then I screamed the loudest I have EVER screamed in my entire life for help. It was on a kind of busy street, in a fancy type of neighborhood. People stopped. The tree was completely blocking the road it was so big. It was huge. There was a Doctor behind us, and she came around, and kept up with his pulse, was asking me his name, which I told her. There was just too much blood. I just kept telling him I love you I love you Justin we're going to have a family together it's all going to be okay. I don't know why I even THOUGHT to grab my phone, which was almost dead, and is a cheap piece of crap slide phone [no I don't have a smart phone] I called my Mom. I told her it was bad, it was really, really, really bad. I didn't see him after that. The ambulance came, and I started going into shock. I had my own blood on one hand, and his blood on my left from when I touched his head and felt for a pulse.
My love, my soulmate, the person that I tried to fight fate at first with, my best friend, my lover - he is gone. No, we were not married legally, no I have no legal right to anything, and honestly I don't care. The only thing I want of his is one shirt. His Mother wants all of his things now, even though I offered to make her and I both a quilt. She has the couch we got together for our apartment. She asked for it, and at first it made me mad, but then I said "Okay, you can have it.". I packed all of his things that were in our apartment because I didn't want her to go through the pain of packing all of it. She is mad at me, she feels I took away her son 18 months ago, because him and I spent so much time together. I understand in a way. Him and I spent a lot of time together, but I always wanted him to spend time with his friends and brother. I didn't care at all. I asked him several times if he wanted me to go back to my parents for a while, because I didn't want him to feel smothered. He said he didn't feel smothered, that he loved knowing I'd be there, at his Mom's, after he got off work.
I sung at his memorial. He wanted to be cremated. Him and I talked about that a lot. Death. Because he was so scared of us not being together. We actually made a pact. Promised each other that if one of us went first, we'd haunt each other. We'd let each other know we were there. Thing is - he is.
At the store we went to on the 12th, we were all joking about people being crazy. The owner of the store was talking about how sometimes absolutely crazy customers would come in and Justin said, "If I was going to be a crazy customer the least I would do would be leave a 5 dollar tip." - Well, that Thursday after he was physically gone, the owner had some crazy customers as usual, but when they left, she looked over and there was a 5 dollar bill in the floor. The lights at the store flicker some now, too. Then she'll message me, and they'll stop flickering. At night I will be crying pretty hard, and I'll say Justin I love you and I'm sorry I couldn't help you. My crying will stop, and I feel like he's there. Then I'll feel him kind of say, and I'm sure this sounds crazy, it's like, I can feel him saying he loves me and it's okay.
After we lost our unborn baby, he'd say, "It's okay." and I would say, "It's not okay." And he'd say, "It'll be okay."
So it's just sometimes I'll hear that, "It's not okay, but it'll be okay."
Sorry for such a long post, and if you were able to read through all of that, thank you. If not, that's okay.
In 2012 I had just came out of a four and a half relationship and was not looking for love, especially not looking for a relationship. I put my info on stupid dating websites because I got bored and wanted people to talk to, strictly friends. Well, randomly I messaged a guy with the screenname 'dookiedookie' - yeah I know, awesome and dumb. We texted back and forth, then I ended up in the hospital at the end of August with a severe kidney infection, and we texted constantly for 6 days, and then he asked me if I wanted to go to a local place that is a trampoline park. I said sure, as long as we can go to the club afterwards. It was agreed.
Well, it was the day of the 'hanging out' because I refused to call it a date, even though just texting back and forth and the couple of calls we made, made my heart flutter and I didn't like it. It was my nieces birthday party, the 15th of September 2012. I was nervous. After the birthday party I came back home, and rushed to get ready. Since the trampoline park was first, I put on some gym shorts type things, basically something that was gonna be easy to move around in. But, I brought the dress that was for later on at the club.
He showed up at my parents, which is where I was living after moving back in from living with the ex, and well, my Dad was out back filleting fish. Justin AKA dookiedookie went and shook my Dad's hand, fishguts and all. I was still getting ready, so I had no idea about any of this til after everything happened. My Mom was sitting on her computer, and while I was getting ready I heard a knock on the door. I was freaking out, I wasn't finished getting ready. I listen to my Mom and Justin talk while I finished getting ready. Well, the way my parents place is set up, there is a cloth separating the living room, so I hadn't seen him face to face yet.
So the moment came, and I pulled back the cloth, and saw him face to face. You know that moment people talk about that happens that you roll your eyes at and call them stupid or cheesey or liars? At least that's what I did. It happened to me. I fell for him, hard. I saw his eyes, and it's like I saw my future, the rest of my life with the person standing in front of me. Needless to say, I was scared shitless. I did not want love. I didn't even want a relationship. None of it, it was all too much and not worth it in my eyes anymore.
Let's just say it ended up being called a date, and we started 'officially' dating 3 days later, September 18th 2012. I fought it. I told him I didn't want to burden him, because at the time I was not the most mentally healthy person, and was dealing with a lot of past crap. I told him I didn't want to make his life worse, because I was so mentally unhealthy. He didn't care. He was gentle. He was patient. His eyes was like looking into pure selfless love. He was someone I would not usually go for - the good guy. Being wrapped in his arms was like being surrounded in a blanket of pure love and just no matter what, he could calm me down.
I ended up pretty much moving in over at his house, which he lived with his Mom, Grandpa, and brother. He hated living there, because of the emotional abuse his grandpa dishes out on everyone. He wanted out, bad. I hated leaving him there. Just as he loved me selflessly, I ended up telling him MAYBE a month after we started dating. I said, "You know that thing people say you only need 5 seconds of complete bravery to have something awesome happen?" Then he said, "Yeah?" So I said, "I'm in love with you, and it's scary, but I can't stop." Lol, and his response was , "Me too." I said, "You're in love with you too?" He said, "No, I'm in love with you.".
Every moment I was around him, I felt at ease. I felt loved.
In December 2013 I ended up getting pregnant. The thing is, I had gotten a ligation due to how poor my mental health was, and the fact that I had previously never wanted children. After being with Justin for a while we started talking about having a reversal, and then I'd sometimes think I'd just magically get pregnant, and we'd have a baby together, our own family. Well, the pregnancy was in my newly grown tube. Yes, my tube grew back.
I knew I was pregnant before I knew I was pregnant, I felt her. But I also knew something wasn't right. I found out I was pregnant for sure on Friday the 20th of December 2013. I went to the hospital because I knew there was a high change it was ectopic. They couldn't figure out if it was. Justin and I were terrified but excited, and hopeful. The next day he was at work, and I started having severe pain in my side. I ended up having his Mother take me to the hospital, they did 2 pelvic exams, and my pregnancy hormone had dropped. Meaning basically even if it wasn't ectopic, the baby wasn't there completely anymore. I didn't feel her when I woke up Saturday morning, and I was just thinking okay I'm fine, then after the pain started, I knew it wasn't good.
Justin was able to get there about 8pm or so, and I was crying. The look on his face when he saw me was pure terror. He was so protective of me, and would have been an amazing Father. I ended up going into surgery, and my tube had ruptured and I had internal bleeding. They took out both tubes, to make sure that I would never have an ectopic pregnancy. We decided we would do IVF. He assured me and assured me, we'd have a family together. He'd make it happen. That I deserved more than anyone to be a Mother.
In December we also got a new car, a 2001 Ford Focus with a wagon body. We were originally going to get a Toyota, but he saw the Focus and said that was it. I was iffy because well it's a wagon body, and I was doubtful about being able to have a family. His previous car was a 2006 Chevy Aveo LS, and the head gasket was messed up, for the second time. Somehow we were able to get the car to the Auto Store, that was about 45 miles away, then when they were taking it to be fixed, not even 5 miles down the road, the head gasket completely blew, and smoke was rolling.
We moved into an apartment February 5th 2014. I was so happy. I woke up before him, cooked him a breakfast pretty much every morning besides MAYBE 5 mornings. He'd come home to supper, pretty much every night besides again MAYBE 5 nights. He'd surprise me with slurpees, and small things. He made me the happiest I had ever been in my entire life, and I only wanted to do the same for him. Many people said I did, that he was so happy.
March 12th 2014. Early that AM, like 1am, I messaged the person we decided to officiate our wedding on September 18 2014, which is later this year. We had decided on the location, which was a park, and the shelter was right beside the location in the park, where we were going to have the reception. He decided on the kind of suit, and I decided on my dress. It was going to be a rustic DIY wedding. I had worked on the invitation design with a program I use for editing pictures. Our colors were a light olive green, lavender, and ivory. We were going to do a hand-binding ceremony as well.
We spent the 12th out all day. I had my weekly therapist appointment, then we went to look at a replacement promise ring because the one he gave me Christmas was messed up some. We found one, kind of, but he wasn't a big fan of it, and I liked it. Basically I wanted a ring to let people know I was promised to him. We went to a CD store in the mall as well, and I got an America CD, I like good music. Next, we went to Krispy Kreme, he wanted a coffee and a donut, he asked if I wanted anything, and I said no, but he came out with a smiley face creme filled donut. I never got to eat it. Next we went to a local store where we're friends with the owner, talked for a few hours, and a huge storm blew through. After the sun came back through, we left to go to the apartment. He asked what I wanted for supper, and I said I really didn't want to cook, and he said, "Well, we have those coupons for pizza still, right?" I said, "Yep!" So he said, "Well, we can go to the apartment, get the coupons and go get pizza." and I said, "Yeah, we can call it in, go get the coupon, go get my medicine, then go pick up the pizza!" He then said, "But do you want pizza?" and I said, " Of course I want pizza!".
*********TRIGGER WARNING***********
The next moment has, and will forever change my life. A tree crashed on top of our car, from his side. The tree was a pine tree, and was huge. My side, what very little was not crushed, I was able to get out of. I blacked out for a very, very short period of time. When I came to, I couldn't see him. I screamed for him, and he didn't respond. I tried opening my door, and I couldn't get it open, so I un-did my seat belt, and jumped out of the window that was knocked out by the force of my hand hitting it. I ran around to his side, and his face was being blocked by a large limb. I ripped the limb away, and his face was fine. There was just a lot of blood coming out of his mouth, and the side/back of his head was bloody. I felt for a pulse, and I felt it. It was there. I kept saying I love you I love you I love you Justin I love you fight Justin fight I love you I love you I love you. Then I screamed the loudest I have EVER screamed in my entire life for help. It was on a kind of busy street, in a fancy type of neighborhood. People stopped. The tree was completely blocking the road it was so big. It was huge. There was a Doctor behind us, and she came around, and kept up with his pulse, was asking me his name, which I told her. There was just too much blood. I just kept telling him I love you I love you Justin we're going to have a family together it's all going to be okay. I don't know why I even THOUGHT to grab my phone, which was almost dead, and is a cheap piece of crap slide phone [no I don't have a smart phone] I called my Mom. I told her it was bad, it was really, really, really bad. I didn't see him after that. The ambulance came, and I started going into shock. I had my own blood on one hand, and his blood on my left from when I touched his head and felt for a pulse.
My love, my soulmate, the person that I tried to fight fate at first with, my best friend, my lover - he is gone. No, we were not married legally, no I have no legal right to anything, and honestly I don't care. The only thing I want of his is one shirt. His Mother wants all of his things now, even though I offered to make her and I both a quilt. She has the couch we got together for our apartment. She asked for it, and at first it made me mad, but then I said "Okay, you can have it.". I packed all of his things that were in our apartment because I didn't want her to go through the pain of packing all of it. She is mad at me, she feels I took away her son 18 months ago, because him and I spent so much time together. I understand in a way. Him and I spent a lot of time together, but I always wanted him to spend time with his friends and brother. I didn't care at all. I asked him several times if he wanted me to go back to my parents for a while, because I didn't want him to feel smothered. He said he didn't feel smothered, that he loved knowing I'd be there, at his Mom's, after he got off work.
I sung at his memorial. He wanted to be cremated. Him and I talked about that a lot. Death. Because he was so scared of us not being together. We actually made a pact. Promised each other that if one of us went first, we'd haunt each other. We'd let each other know we were there. Thing is - he is.
At the store we went to on the 12th, we were all joking about people being crazy. The owner of the store was talking about how sometimes absolutely crazy customers would come in and Justin said, "If I was going to be a crazy customer the least I would do would be leave a 5 dollar tip." - Well, that Thursday after he was physically gone, the owner had some crazy customers as usual, but when they left, she looked over and there was a 5 dollar bill in the floor. The lights at the store flicker some now, too. Then she'll message me, and they'll stop flickering. At night I will be crying pretty hard, and I'll say Justin I love you and I'm sorry I couldn't help you. My crying will stop, and I feel like he's there. Then I'll feel him kind of say, and I'm sure this sounds crazy, it's like, I can feel him saying he loves me and it's okay.
After we lost our unborn baby, he'd say, "It's okay." and I would say, "It's not okay." And he'd say, "It'll be okay."
So it's just sometimes I'll hear that, "It's not okay, but it'll be okay."
Sorry for such a long post, and if you were able to read through all of that, thank you. If not, that's okay.
