Panic attacks and that feeling of creeping anxiety can really get to us. But how much can we control them not to tear apart our relationships?
I recently had this experience and had to end the relationship today/take some space.
My boyfriend of just one month (very new) was the first person I told about my trauma and his relationship to the abuser. They look very similar. I know I dated him for all the wrong reasons. I thought I was strong enough to desensitize myself. So far it was going good but he recently got an opportunity to work on my campus.
Unfortunately, I held the same job and along with many other students I had a terrible experience. I told him my experience and told him he can find many better programs.
There was a background to this though that I didn't want to get into until I found myself panicking at 4a about him joining my campus. I have had a lot of trauma around my campus, hit by car, bus, raped, seen shootings, robberies, the whole slew of things. I happen to find myself in the wrong place at the wrong time quite too many times in my four years on campus. Of course I can't explain to my bf that the campus I traverse every day is full of triggers. But wait, I actually tried to explain it to him and it backfired. He called me selfish, said I was standing in the way of his academics just because I might happen to see him in the hallway. Truth is, just knowing a trigger is around you is enough to set off panic attacks. I tried to explain this to him as well. Then I was blue in my face and gave up. I just backed out of the relationship and said, I was looking for someone who understood me and could care for my feelings and emotions -- not walk all over them.
Here's the catch: this job opportunity is offered every semester in my college and he has more than the skills of any other applicant I've seen even myself. He's a graduate student applying to an undergraduate program -- which there is something inherently wrong in that to begin with. (Leads to me questioning if he even graduated from Columbia University like he says.) Regardless, why apply to a program this semester (my senior and last semester on the campus) and add to my ptsd triggers when I've explained nicely that he is a trigger and that we can't always meet all the time or randomly meet because it'll throw me off guard and induce panic attacks among other things, dissociation, space issues, etc.
I just asked him to not be on campus this last semester of my four years here because I can't handle more triggers than are already there. He has many more opportunities to apply to this program and I just can't imagine why he can't defer one semester. This is NOT time sensitive on his part, but my graduation and mental sanity is time sensitive. I agreed that as soon as I get off this campus I will never stand in his way again or ask him to do this because I'll have better footing in the new environments I'll be in (medical school, hospital, etc.). I decided in the end to just give up because he kept saying how mad he was and no amount of convincing was cooling him down. He has quite a temper too and I just feel like if I continue this relationship even if he agrees, he'll resent me for the rest of his life for such a small opportunity as this. And frankly speaking, this job he wants is like washing test tubes (comparatively) for someone of his caliber. I suggested he aim for becoming a teaching assistant or something of that nature which is more appropriate and that I could even help him get a good position. He neither wants my help nor does he want to understand me.
Am I really stuck in a broken relationship? Should I just find a way out and never speak to him again? (I'm the type that doesn't want to be friends with someone who disregards my feelings so this relationship would come to an end and not be continued in any form) Please help me. Thank you for reading this.
I recently had this experience and had to end the relationship today/take some space.
My boyfriend of just one month (very new) was the first person I told about my trauma and his relationship to the abuser. They look very similar. I know I dated him for all the wrong reasons. I thought I was strong enough to desensitize myself. So far it was going good but he recently got an opportunity to work on my campus.
Unfortunately, I held the same job and along with many other students I had a terrible experience. I told him my experience and told him he can find many better programs.
There was a background to this though that I didn't want to get into until I found myself panicking at 4a about him joining my campus. I have had a lot of trauma around my campus, hit by car, bus, raped, seen shootings, robberies, the whole slew of things. I happen to find myself in the wrong place at the wrong time quite too many times in my four years on campus. Of course I can't explain to my bf that the campus I traverse every day is full of triggers. But wait, I actually tried to explain it to him and it backfired. He called me selfish, said I was standing in the way of his academics just because I might happen to see him in the hallway. Truth is, just knowing a trigger is around you is enough to set off panic attacks. I tried to explain this to him as well. Then I was blue in my face and gave up. I just backed out of the relationship and said, I was looking for someone who understood me and could care for my feelings and emotions -- not walk all over them.
Here's the catch: this job opportunity is offered every semester in my college and he has more than the skills of any other applicant I've seen even myself. He's a graduate student applying to an undergraduate program -- which there is something inherently wrong in that to begin with. (Leads to me questioning if he even graduated from Columbia University like he says.) Regardless, why apply to a program this semester (my senior and last semester on the campus) and add to my ptsd triggers when I've explained nicely that he is a trigger and that we can't always meet all the time or randomly meet because it'll throw me off guard and induce panic attacks among other things, dissociation, space issues, etc.
I just asked him to not be on campus this last semester of my four years here because I can't handle more triggers than are already there. He has many more opportunities to apply to this program and I just can't imagine why he can't defer one semester. This is NOT time sensitive on his part, but my graduation and mental sanity is time sensitive. I agreed that as soon as I get off this campus I will never stand in his way again or ask him to do this because I'll have better footing in the new environments I'll be in (medical school, hospital, etc.). I decided in the end to just give up because he kept saying how mad he was and no amount of convincing was cooling him down. He has quite a temper too and I just feel like if I continue this relationship even if he agrees, he'll resent me for the rest of his life for such a small opportunity as this. And frankly speaking, this job he wants is like washing test tubes (comparatively) for someone of his caliber. I suggested he aim for becoming a teaching assistant or something of that nature which is more appropriate and that I could even help him get a good position. He neither wants my help nor does he want to understand me.
Am I really stuck in a broken relationship? Should I just find a way out and never speak to him again? (I'm the type that doesn't want to be friends with someone who disregards my feelings so this relationship would come to an end and not be continued in any form) Please help me. Thank you for reading this.
