In 1973 I lost my oldest and closest brother to suicide. I was 23 at the time he was 30. I never cried but didn't know why. But it haunted me for years. I thought it was my fault. Shortly after his death, I married and had 2 beautiful boys within 13 months of each other. They were what I lived for. They were fun, funny and smart. I made it my goal in life to raise happy healthy kids. My parents were both alcoholics. My father was a very functional one and a very successful business man. My mother was not functional. A beautiful person when sober, but very neglectful when not. Never knew what to expect from day to day. So my main goal was don't ever do this to your kids. My husband and I never drank at home unless we had a party. I warned my kids about alcohol and how the tendency to become alcoholic is in our family. My oldest son became an alcoholic anyway. He was such a lost boy. We sent him to rehab, which he was willing to go through. We thought he was on his way to becoming better. He started drinking again we didn't know what to fo with him. We had years of trying many different things to help him. Nothing worked and he hung himself. He was 31 years old. My youngest son and him were very close. They lived about 2 hours away from each other. My other son also felt responsible and couldn't handle the guilt of not being able to help him. He died from heart failure 16 months later, he was also 31. It's been 6 and 7 years since this all happened. I didn't know that you could get PTSD from the loss of people that you love. I suspect that my youngest had a PTSD, but I had no idea, until I looked back on it, and finally realized that this is what is the matter with me too. I have not gone to therapy. I read everything I can on the subject and try to help myself. I know my thoughts cause me to have episodes but sometimes it sneaks up on me. Certain triggers I know about, but sometimes I'm taken by surprise about others, When I look back To my brother's death, I now see that I had flash backs and triggers 20 and 30 years ago, but maybe not as severe as what I have now. Yoga helps, breathing deeply helps, and trying to change my thoughts help. My worst times are when I feel I don't have support or am not understood. I don't want to go to therapy, I can't relive the trauma. I know I have PTSD, I have all but one of the criteria in the three categories.
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Undiagnosed Lost Both Of My Boys
- Post starter Cammi
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Kintsugi
Sponsor
Welcome to the forum. I am very sorry to hear of your many losses.
No one here can diagnose you. I recommend you see a professional to get some help as you are obviously struggling and needing support. We do seem to specialize in support here, but a professional can guide you to the help and health you need.
I hope you find this resource useful in your journey to heal.
No one here can diagnose you. I recommend you see a professional to get some help as you are obviously struggling and needing support. We do seem to specialize in support here, but a professional can guide you to the help and health you need.
I hope you find this resource useful in your journey to heal.
D
Deleted member 20280
@Cammi welcome to the forum, I lost a brother and the Loss of him was the primary trigger in my own PTSD, even though I never actually met him (he died aged 6 ten months before my birth. Our eldest brother then aged 9 resented me from the moment of my birth and abused me daily from the age of approx 2 years old. Dad always told me that Chris and I were like 2 peas in a pod.
I would like to offer a forum :hug: for your loss.
Laurie
I would like to offer a forum :hug: for your loss.
Laurie
Seasounds
Diamond Member
Hello and welcome!
I''m so sorry for the loss you've been through and for the pain you are experiencing. With all that you did to raise your children, their outcome must've been a shock. Cumulative trauma, of growing up in an alcoholic family and deaths of loved ones, can be overwhelming and haunting-as you said.
In 95, I lost a close cousin, brother-like relationship, to suicide, which compounded my PTSD. I resisted therapy for a long time, and I didn't want to cry in front of someone, nor walk myself through the pain, again, by telling a therapist.
When I finally broke down and went to a therapist (it took me two times/attempts to both find a therapist-I liked, and being able to tolerate sitting in front of someone and telling about myself) it was the beginning of shedding lifetime grief and trauma.
Of course, in your own autonomy, you are at choice of whether or not you seek help. If you can find the right therapist, you will experience a safety and respect, that will allow you to talk about whatever you want, and at the rate you want. They can also help you be able to not be stuck in grief, and find greater freedom.
A stage of recovery of PTSD is coming out of isolation. You have come out of isolation by sharing on this forum. This is a great community for support! 12 step groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics or Alanon, can be safe and supportive groups in which to share.
My hauntings disappated from going to therapy. I offer you that hope.Thank you for your heart-felt share.
Do what works for you.
Good luck!
I''m so sorry for the loss you've been through and for the pain you are experiencing. With all that you did to raise your children, their outcome must've been a shock. Cumulative trauma, of growing up in an alcoholic family and deaths of loved ones, can be overwhelming and haunting-as you said.
In 95, I lost a close cousin, brother-like relationship, to suicide, which compounded my PTSD. I resisted therapy for a long time, and I didn't want to cry in front of someone, nor walk myself through the pain, again, by telling a therapist.
When I finally broke down and went to a therapist (it took me two times/attempts to both find a therapist-I liked, and being able to tolerate sitting in front of someone and telling about myself) it was the beginning of shedding lifetime grief and trauma.
Of course, in your own autonomy, you are at choice of whether or not you seek help. If you can find the right therapist, you will experience a safety and respect, that will allow you to talk about whatever you want, and at the rate you want. They can also help you be able to not be stuck in grief, and find greater freedom.
A stage of recovery of PTSD is coming out of isolation. You have come out of isolation by sharing on this forum. This is a great community for support! 12 step groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics or Alanon, can be safe and supportive groups in which to share.
My hauntings disappated from going to therapy. I offer you that hope.Thank you for your heart-felt share.
Do what works for you.
Good luck!
- Post starter
- #6
intothelight
Sponsor
@Cammi Welcome to the forum,
I am sorry to read about your losses and understand why conventional trauma therapy would not be something you would want to engage in. However, not everyone has to do trauma therapy in the course of treating PTSD. I never did trauma therapy, but I did other types of therapy and never had to "relive" the trauma as that would have caused more harm than good. Getting a diagnosis to know what is wrong and then exploring the various treatment options may be something to consider.
I am sorry to read about your losses and understand why conventional trauma therapy would not be something you would want to engage in. However, not everyone has to do trauma therapy in the course of treating PTSD. I never did trauma therapy, but I did other types of therapy and never had to "relive" the trauma as that would have caused more harm than good. Getting a diagnosis to know what is wrong and then exploring the various treatment options may be something to consider.
- Post starter
- #8
Thank you into the light. It's nice to know that I may not have to do trauma therapy. I really don't think I ever could. Probably should see someone though but I have no energy to find the right one. I'm pretty exhausted. Not young anymore. I have a lot of good friends and A couple family members, although I rarely talk about it. Don't want to push people away by being needy and really, most people don't understand the severity of it. I guess that's the only reason I would go to one, someone that gets paid to listen. I think I already know what the problem is and think I can control the episodes now, Unless I come across another unexpected trigger. That's the thing that scares me. My last trigger lasted from October until after Christmas. I hardly remember a thing of those months. I figured out what triggered the episode way after Christmas. I think that's when I started loosing hope for anything, realizing that I didn't have control. What might be the next trigger I don't have a clue about until it's over. Going to a therapist isn't going to stop me from discovering new triggers. That episode was from out of the blue, something that you could never prepare for because it seems so unrelated until you look back. I've taught myself how to manage it, I think. I really do a lot to help myself. I make sure I spend time with my good friends, do Yoga, read a lot about it, and lots of introspection.
Ghostybear73
Diamond Member
Welcome to the forum, this is a great place for support!!
Namenotdiagnosis
Gold Member
Hi cammi, I'm so sorry for your losses, I would not even be able to comprehend the hurt and heartache you have had to suffer. May God give you strength and courage to cope with your losses. I totally understand your reasoning about not wanting to go through therapy treatment as you don't want to relive the pain, that was one of my reasons I didn't want treatment (mine wasn't to do with loss ) coz I couldn't bear to relive my traumas , however I was reliving them everyday for a very long time and not being able to manage or cope them led me to near suicide and severe depression . I did attend EMDR for many sessions and I've learnt to cope with my triggers and flashbacks a lot better. I'm also doing mindfulness which is fantastic and is helping me, I too was asked to take up yoga as this often helps , I hVe also started this too. Please don't suffer alone, you don't need to, when your ready to try and face your losses as painful as it will be as in the long run it will get better if you can deal with it better. My prayers are with you always , I'm pleased you found this forum as there are lots of people who will support you and lend you an ear. Good luck. God bless x
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