Relationship Lost & Confused...what To Do?

[sunshiney]

I know this is like a story mostly already posted, but I needed to vent because it’s been kept bottled up for the past year and I don’t know who to talk to.

I met a man a year and a half ago who was in the Marines for almost 8 years, he had just gotten out of the service. I was at a happy point in my life, had gotten out of a bad relationship was having fun and I was so happy. I knew NOTHING about PTSD...Everything was okay in the beginning, minus the frequent random disappearing acts, but other things starting happening that scared me. I didn’t know what to do, I still don’t think I knew anything about PTSD or that he had it at the time. We ended up moving in together….I think I started to hear about PTSD briefly from one of his friends and started reading about it. I saw the explosiveness and things I just didn’t understand. I’ve always been a pretty calm person so I was never mean or nasty or never said anything back rude during these explosive behaviors, because they were mostly only when he drank. I didn’t know what else to do so I just started reading about PTSD, and kept reading and everything I read was basically reading about him…I think he finally came out and told me he had mild PTSD, I don’t really know the degrees but I definitely don’t think it’s mild. I even bookmarked an article one day and he had found it and asked me if I was reading about PTSD and he wouldn’t be mad if I had been. I said yeah and his response was “now do you understand why I communicate the way I do” and my response was yes, but it doesn’t make it okay or acceptable…

Countless nights he has broken down to me, upset and told me stories that just brought tears to my eyes… He even has told me that it’ll be a roller coaster but if I stayed on it would be worth the ride. The best way to describe it all is definitely a roller coaster. It’s been a tough long roller coaster…

There have been a lot that’s happened to me as a result, a lot of bad things because of him (I’m trying not to cry while I write this)…some really horrible things…anyway, we continued to live together, we broke up. We had broken up many times before and he’s always changed his mind and we got back together, but this time we stayed broken up, but still acting like were together (still sleeping together, cuddling, etc..).. One day he’s all cuddly with me, the next he’s being mean and nasty, then he disappears, comes back is cuddly and loving, the next day mean and nasty, he leaves, comes back, and the cycle just never ends…

When things have gotten really bad the next day he will act like nothing happened, no apology, no talking about it, just pretends it never happened. One day after an explosive night of arguing, the next day he said to me something along the lines of “you are going to develop PTSD because of me and everything that has happened because of me”… and I just looked at him as if I couldn’t believe he just said that. I didn’t even know what to say. I don’t even know if that’s possible? It has been hard to remain calm, in the past I never raised my voice or argued, he couldn’t believe how calm I could be. But lately, it has been harder and harder to remain calm. I’ve been getting more and more angry and finding it hard to let go of the past bad things that have happened and forgive him for those things. I find myself drinking more and lashing out and saying some really mean and harsh things to him that I don’t necessarily mean, but I’m hurt and I feel kind of broken inside.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’m completely lost. We aren’t together, of course I have some feelings there because I have seen a great man in him, I have seen a wonderful man in there who has been through so much in his lifetime, more than I will ever experience or be able to understand. I get that, but I’ve done SOOOOOO much, have given soooo much. I don’t know many the countless times I have heard from people why are you still living there, why do you put up with that, and my response is nobody is perfect, in our own ways we are screwed up or dysfunctional and people that really care will overlook the bad. Like I said, I truly believe there is a great man hidden in there, underneath all the scars and battle wounds. He comes out sometimes, and sometimes it’s the complete opposite. I am pretty sensitive and take things personal, maybe that’s my biggest problem. I just don’t know what to do or what to say, I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells and I’m not a sad whiny person. I’ve always been able to make myself laugh, as well as others, and have a good time. I’m one of the most easy going people there is.

Military men and women, I have the utmost respect for. Before meeting this man I was grateful for military, but after meeting him and seeing the after effects is just heart breaking. Every time I see a man or woman in uniform I just want to hug them and thank them. I hope nobody takes this personal, but to me it seems that even though these men and women come home alive, it as if a part of them and their soul dies over there fighting. They are forever changed people. It is as if they fight for this country and they come home and continue to fight for their “normal” (whatever normal is) lives back…

I just needed to vent. I’ve needed to vent for a while. I can’t really talk to anyone about it because nobody understands and he still hasn’t gotten help for his PTSD. He recently has talked about how he knows he has anger issues and he was going to go talk to someone about being put on meds for it… What do you do? I made a promise one night long ago. He said to me one night promise you’ll never throw me away like a piece of trash and I promised.. And I’ve never been a person to break a promise, but I’m lost, hurt, confused, and broken. Some days I feel crazy and like I’m losing my mind. He’s made the comments of “I screwed up your life” and you can do better, and I have heard all of that before. I struggle with it all. I struggle believing he really does care and love me, because to me actions speak louder than words. I try to be supportive, but it feels like I can’t even do that right. I find myself lashing back at him…

Any thoughts, input, anything would be helpful…..

 

[LoyalOne]

“you are going to develop PTSD because of me and everything that has happened because of me”…
I truly believe there is a great man hidden in there, underneath all the scars and battle wounds.
I hope nobody takes this personal, but to me it seems that even though these men and women come home alive, it as if a part of them and their soul dies over there fighting.
He said to me one night promise you’ll never throw me away like a piece of trash and I promised..

He’s made the comments of “I screwed up your life” and you can do better, and I have heard all of that before.

First of all, sunshiney, a great big hug for you, and a ☼ because I love that you chose the name sunshiney.

Your whole story sounds so terribly familiar to me, but the above lines really stuck out because they may as well have been copied directly from emails between me and my Marine. Especially the 'never throw me away' line. It's unbelievable the sense of worthlessness these folks come 'home' with. I agree; I want to scoop them all up. If only love cured everything.

I am so glad you made it over here - there are a whole group of military family/friends here who are loving the hell out of vets with the same type of thing. Hopefully you will get lots of advice and understanding.

 

[ms spock]

Are you seeing a professional to work on these issues? There seems to be so much going on that might be helpful.
ms spock

 

[sunshiney]

Thanks LoyalOne for the response, I used to be very sunshiney, but lately I haven't really been feeling that way...thought the name might trick myself back to the old me :) So many stories on here sound so familiar, it's like reading my own... just have been needing/wanting to vent and hopefully someone else would understand... If only love cured everything, is probably one of the truest thing I have heard... soooo true..I've said some really harsh things to him lately, and I feel terrible, really disgusted in myself, but I lashed out, I'm hurting and he doesn't get it or seem to care (or show it anyway).... I'm just at a loss for words, I don't wanna give up, but lately I just don't know how to be there for him, to be a friend, to care without hurting anymore?

Ms. Spock: Talk to someone about my issues or his? There's a lot that has transpired....I have thought about talking to someone, just haven't had the time...

 

[LoyalOne]

Make time, ☼.

Because if you aren't taking care of yourself, you have nothing to give him. True.

 

[sunshiney]

True, I understand that...Everything has just drastically changed in the past year, I've changed (for the worst, it seems) and I'm not blaming him because I made the decision to stay...but at this point I don't know what to do or how to talk to him? I feel like everything I say and do is wrong and I don't know how to be there for him any more...

 

[ms spock]

Ms. Spock: Talk to someone about my issues or his? There's a lot that has transpired....I have thought about talking to someone, just haven't had the time...

I would be saying definitely your issues because it sounds like you two have merged. Perhaps live apart for 12 months whilst you both pursue your own healing processes? That way you can spend time with each other that means you are both not lashing out at each other.

A simple thing like going for a walk and pounding the pavement is better than saying hurtful things or listening to hurtful things.

He is very lucky to have someone who has stuck with him. I envy him. However if you don't stick with yourself then you both will continue spiraling downwards, which is never any fun for anyone, and then you hate your self for lashing out at him. You (in my completely non expert and random caring opinion way) both need your own psychiatrists, your own support networks, your own friends. Then a psychiatrist that you see as a couple as well as shared activities and shared friendships and interests. You need to be you with him and you, also, without him. If you don't know who you are with and without him then you won't have much chance of supporting him.

You promised to stay but that doesn't mean you have to put up with everything he dishes up to you - and likewise he doesn't have to put up with your lashing out at him. If he behaves badly you can say to him "To protect our relationship I am taking some time and space out to work out my issues so we don't end up in a relationship where we have both emotionally abandoned ourselves and each other.

To lose you for a time might help him see what he has and whether he is willing to take action to get the gift that is you.

If he won't take action, on his own behalf, then (and I have learnt this the hard way again and again) no matter if you gave him half your blood and half your organs you can't save him. You can, however save yourself. And by doing this you model best practice for him as well.

If you stay with him and put up with his outbursts then, in one sense that is a type of emotional abandonment because you are not demanding the best out of him as a person and as a man. If you stay and lash out as well then you are abandoning both yourself and him - and this is very messy and most unhappy making.

I have made the mistake of living my whole life looking at the person someone could be if only... I have lived my life whole life hoping for the potential that is there manifesting and you know it never did. I am not saying it won't for you - every one is different, but it never did for me. So I would suggest thinking about whether you can live with what is, and if you can't then take some action for your self and for him. If you are not looking after yourself you are not modeling for him how to take care of himself and it sounds like he needs instruction in this area.

If he tries to talk you out of going or getting help. You can say to him. I made you the promise never to throw you out as garbage or litter and I take this promise very seriously which is why I must take care of both of us by dealing with my issues first or I will have nothing left for you and so on.

These are just suggestions,

take or leave them as is appropriate.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

What do you do? I made a promise one night long ago. He said to me one night promise you’ll never throw me away like a piece of trash and I promised.. And I’ve never been a person to break a promise, but I’m lost, hurt, confused, and broken. Some days I feel crazy and like I’m losing my mind. He’s made the comments of “I screwed up your life” and you can do better, and I have heard all of that before. I struggle with it all. I struggle believing he really does care and love me, because to me actions speak louder than words. I try to be supportive, but it feels like I can’t even do that right. I find myself lashing back at him…

Any thoughts, input, anything would be helpful…..

How I see it if you allow yourself to be emotionally and so forth abused then you have abandoned yourself and the relationship.If he treats your relationship like a piece of trash and is emotionally abusive to you it is unreasonable and not at all sane to expect your self to keep that promise - that is fairy tale or infant baby love. If you are losing your mind and your situation is escalating, which to me it sounds like it is - leaving is the caring thing to do, so he has time to assess his own behaviours. You are not throwing anything like litter - you are, in an adult mindset thinking it through and making the decision that is the best for you both.

There are also concepts like tough love and giving back people their own stuff.

I have to say that I have many times in there because of the promise of a person or love or something. So whilst my advice might be helpful or it might not - I always stuck around - so please know I am totally theoretical at this stuff.

I wish you well.

ms spock

Take some time out even if it is to go away for a week or two.

Best of luck,

Hope it works out.

 

[sunshiney]

Thank you so much Ms. Spock for taking the time to respond and a great response at that. Everything you said makes perfect sense and I appreciate your kind words. What you have said appears to be the answer I was looking for and the steps I need to take to get myself back to where I was, and better myself. Like you said it is a downward spiral and I have realized the changes I have made, for the worse, and am owning up to those changes and want to be better and do better. Unfortunately, it's a healing process I have to go through and find forgiveness in my heart. I had a friend die in a car accident in high school and it just amazed me how many people showed up to the viewing, how many peoples lives she touched and there after I said I wanted to live my life so that I touch as many peoples lives as I possibly can. I've always just wanted to be that one person to him that he knew he could always count on. Today it's hard with any relationship, friendship or boyfriend/girlfriend, marriage to remain. People come and go in your life and people that tell you that you can count on them isn't always true. It's a great thing to have someone you can always count on, and I feel that so many people have let him down that I wanted to be that one person for him....