Lost In The Past

[Bookoffee]

Everything seemed to be going well between my wife and I since her family had come for vacation. Last night our neighbor had a small pit fire in the back. We have been asking them and the landlord to move it a few more feet away from the apartment. The smoke comes right in our bedroom window and it is so close to our deck, it worries us. We have a fire setup plan because we don't trust them.

She texted the landlord and asked if they would move the pit away from our bedroom. He became firm with my wife that nothing is going to change.

She became angry and started to yell about how anything she needs in her life she can't get. I heard her say something to the effect of having a wife that isn't good enough.

I let her rant and yell. I didn't know how to calm her down. I was so hurt and angry today that I spent most of the day looking through my ex's art gallery. I made up a fake name and asked when she is having another showing.

I never understood why I ran away from her. We were together for 10 years and had a beautiful house. I had to have an upper escoplisy. The doctor that did the procedure refused to listen to me when I told him I have a bad reaction to the medication he was about to use on me.

He gave it to me while I was trying to stop him. I was awake during the procedure and he had his nurses hold me down and continue to give me the medication I was rejecting.

After that happened, I went weeks without talking to anyone. My partner at the time never asked me what was wrong or picked up how upset I was after the procedure.

I felt violated and raped. I stopped eating and stayed in bed. When I finally told my partner what had happen, she commented that she knew something was wrong and was excited because we would be rich suing the doctor.

I ran from the relationship. I left everything behind, grabbed my dog, clothes and car and off I went.

Every time I think of cutting my throat, I think of her. Sometimes it is the only relief I get.

Has anyone doubted their marriage? Regrets?

I feel nothing.

 

[Bookoffee]

After I sent a message to my ex, she posted this:

Dead Link Removed

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

I shouldn't doubt my wife. I shouldn't be doing the childish stuff I am doing. I need to find me again and start liking her.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I need to find me again...

That is rock solid self advice.:tup: You are being kind to yourself and realizing your needs.

Just some caring tips, if you have time, consider, reviewing the cognitive distortion list on "Should Thoughts". :hug::hug: (if you accept).
If you do not find the it, let me know and I will pop back with the thread or list.:)

Most of us do childish things at times (sometimes even for fun) and learning to trust takes time. You exhibited a form of trust when you posted btw. ;) Very courageous. So be gentle on yourself as well as "any one" making mistakes, ok? Takes two.:) Relationships are hard work, yes? Glad you are here.

 

[Bookoffee]

Thank you @Recovery4Me I needed to hear from someone.

I am not sure if my current therapist is helpful. He is always wanting to connect everything I say and do back to my mother. He wants me to picture the abuse she has gone through and love her. I can't forget and love a mother that will allow her baby to be raped and protect the rapist.

I know I have mommies issues, trust issues and sexual issues. I don't want to "cure" the past and 'forgive' or 'let go'

I want to be able to trust, love, disciple and accept who I am

I want help around trusting my wife again. Not dissociate when we are playing with the dog and the dog does something wrong.

I want to be able to feel that sex is a natural healthy part of life and not to be feared


Thank you again for responding.

 

[Recovery4Me]

:hug:'s if you accept.

Consider that in one manner, that you are in charge of your session work and offer your thoughts to your T. Then ask him for his thoughts on resolutions to your need set. There are many types of therapy to choose from that may suit you better.

 

[Friday]

I was so hurt and angry today that I spent most of the day looking through my ex's art gallery. I made up a fake name and asked when she is having another showing.

I never understood why I ran away from her. We were together for 10 years and had a beautiful house.

I've f*cked up a lot of reeeeeeally amazing relationships. From simply walking, to a whole kaleidoscope of sabotaging behaviors. Many of these people I've either kept in contact with, or keep tabs on from time to time. Which is probably fine, even healthy that they'll still speak to me / we can be friends... As long as... I'm not seeking them out when I'm pissed off at my partner. Then I'm using them, even if they don't know it. I'm living in a fantasy world of "what if". Being friends with exes? No problem. Coveting exes to escape having to deal with my own partner? Hugely disrespectful (to everyone involved), and super sabotaging of my current situation to boot.

Especially the "perfect" relationships? I need to remind myself; they weren't. They were amazing, but I f*cked them up. There was a huge problem, and the problem was me. Moreover, if they'd actually been as perfect IRL as they are in my memories? Why did I leave? Because they weren't perfect. I would go through a hard time, and neither myself nor my partner, could pull me up out of it. Usually because I didn't allow it, but not always. I have dated people who could yank me up outta the dark like they had magical powers ;) LOL. For whom my PTSD stuff was a complete non-issue between us. Those relationships usually ended for other reasons than my f*cking them up. But they still ended. They are chapters in my past. I can go reread them, but I cannot rewrite them. Bittersweet, that.

I need to find me again and start liking her.

I like this part here, very much. :) Long term relationships, at the best I know of, are a series of falling in love over and over again. While I've had that experience a bit, there are only 2 marriages in my family under 40 years (several dozen marriages). Amazing, healthy, I want that! kinds of marriages. And one of the things one hears over and over from them is just that : keep falling in love. Cause you'll hate the way they breathe some months/years. So you have to find within them the things you can cherish... Over and over and over again. Start small. One thing you like. But do it over and over and over. Until the days are filled with hundreds of things you like, love, respect.

 

[Powder]

Wow, what Friday said sounds about right, and then right again. I loved every word. Yes.

Life is full of "smoke gets in your eyes." I hope your wife can see that, and not blame you (for too long) because it's tempting to blame, but that is a lose-lose proposition.

Much better to have a "how can I help because I care" kind of attitude, every time. Make it a mantra. She needs to learn this and you might have to lovingly teach it to her when she's ready.