I feel like life has been a bit of a roller coaster of events. I wrote before about my trainer who yelled at me all the time. After Christmas break she was better for a little bit, but then it started up again, and it became hard to work. So last week I set up a meeting with my boss, and met with him and told him the situation. Apparently he spoke with her about it before the break when he visited and saw her yelling. He was really glad I came in to speak with him about it, and was very understanding. He did say he wanted to talk to me at another time about my performance, and the issues there, but he felt it was probably related to my trainer treating me poorly. He decided to think it through and talk to her and the project manager as well before meeting with me again the next Wednesday.
It just so happens, the next day I caught the flu. Actual flu. I slept two days straight. Unfortunately in November I also had mono and had to take two weeks off to recover. Plus a hospital visit... sigh. So my trainer was gone for three weeks, and is gone for a week the beginning of each month. I contacted my boss yesterday to let him know I had the flu and wouldn't be coming in. (I previously told my trainer.) A couple hours later I get a phone call from my temp agency saying they'd like to talk. My boss had called saying I was unreliable, inconsistent, didn't ask for help when needed, he also mentioned my trainer yelling at me and wanting to move me into the main office. The temp agency asked if I wanted to continue working for them, and I said no. I had lots of issues with them. But it seemed to me like I was being fired. I was planning to give my two weeks on Wednesday when I spoke with him, to tie up loose ends, but then this happened.
Anyway, I have very mixed emotions about this. Relief, a huge sense of failure, and anger. I'm also terrified to start working again. Being at my job was so triggering everyday, and I realized I bottled up my ptsd just to get through it. I made mistakes, I got yelled at, I didn't get trained, I got yelled at, I asked questions to learn how to do something correctly, I got yelled at, over and over. I would call other people in the main office on how to do things, so I wouldn't get yelled at. I feel like such a failure too, I made simple mistakes, easy ones, I used to be so much on my game and excel at everything, and now I just feel horrible and worthless. I tried so hard. The last couple days I just stopped caring as much. Yesterday, I was feeling better on Sunday and actually planned to come in on Monday, but I couldn't sleep at all no matter how hard I tried, and was so sick I called in. I think it was just from dread.
Now I feel traumatized from this whole thing, and I don't know what to do. I'm terrified to get a new job, because what if it happens again? My ptsd got way overboard, and I'm having issues coping. I'm rethinking my whole career choice, and don't know where to go. I feel helpless, hopeless, frustrated, triggered beyond belief, and my flight response is kicking in overdrive. Now when anyone gives even small critiques I feel like I'm being attacked. I just want to disappear, and forget everything, and not talk to anyone ever again. I feel so anxious, and trapped at the same time. Ideas?
It just so happens, the next day I caught the flu. Actual flu. I slept two days straight. Unfortunately in November I also had mono and had to take two weeks off to recover. Plus a hospital visit... sigh. So my trainer was gone for three weeks, and is gone for a week the beginning of each month. I contacted my boss yesterday to let him know I had the flu and wouldn't be coming in. (I previously told my trainer.) A couple hours later I get a phone call from my temp agency saying they'd like to talk. My boss had called saying I was unreliable, inconsistent, didn't ask for help when needed, he also mentioned my trainer yelling at me and wanting to move me into the main office. The temp agency asked if I wanted to continue working for them, and I said no. I had lots of issues with them. But it seemed to me like I was being fired. I was planning to give my two weeks on Wednesday when I spoke with him, to tie up loose ends, but then this happened.
Anyway, I have very mixed emotions about this. Relief, a huge sense of failure, and anger. I'm also terrified to start working again. Being at my job was so triggering everyday, and I realized I bottled up my ptsd just to get through it. I made mistakes, I got yelled at, I didn't get trained, I got yelled at, I asked questions to learn how to do something correctly, I got yelled at, over and over. I would call other people in the main office on how to do things, so I wouldn't get yelled at. I feel like such a failure too, I made simple mistakes, easy ones, I used to be so much on my game and excel at everything, and now I just feel horrible and worthless. I tried so hard. The last couple days I just stopped caring as much. Yesterday, I was feeling better on Sunday and actually planned to come in on Monday, but I couldn't sleep at all no matter how hard I tried, and was so sick I called in. I think it was just from dread.
Now I feel traumatized from this whole thing, and I don't know what to do. I'm terrified to get a new job, because what if it happens again? My ptsd got way overboard, and I'm having issues coping. I'm rethinking my whole career choice, and don't know where to go. I feel helpless, hopeless, frustrated, triggered beyond belief, and my flight response is kicking in overdrive. Now when anyone gives even small critiques I feel like I'm being attacked. I just want to disappear, and forget everything, and not talk to anyone ever again. I feel so anxious, and trapped at the same time. Ideas?
