Relationship Lying Cheating Wtf?!

[TheMinsterman]

The others are right, PTSD only goes so far, you have to think would I accept this sort of behaviour if my partner was "normal" (awful word I know)? I wouldn't accept cheating and as far as I am concerned there is no excuse for it, regardless of what they may or may not have. It's a betrayal, even if it's only flirting with others. You shouldn't be in a committed relationship if you want to flirt with other people imo, unless it's something you both agree is fine.

 

[dulcia]

Can you elaborate please. I feel like I was dating two different people.

I have always felt that way too. I have even spoken to him about the "nice him" and the "mean him", the "mean him" being the one that comes out when he is escalating or triggered. I think this way of thinking is part of the problem... There aren't two versions of him, there is no alter ego. Both sides are him, the nice and the mean all rolled into one. We can't get the "nice" one back because the nice one never left. It's still in there somewhere, just like the mean one is still in there somewhere too. You can't pick and choose between the two, you get both. ("Nice" and "mean" may not be the best adjectives, but that's how it's framed in my head.)

I saved a quote that a supporter posted in an old thread that I think applies here:

"[He] is not a good man trapped in a bad man's body. His PTSD is not some alter ego. [He] is a wonderful man who is capable of being a very angry, mean, hurtful man. His PTSD is an illness, but it is not an excuse for bad behavior. He has to take responsibility for how he acts, regardless of whether he is experiencing an episode or not."

 

[dulcia]

Oh man- I get it. I am guilty also. But the more I think about it the more I know ptsd is not an exc...

It depends on what sort of issue we're dealing with. He may shut down his emotions but he doesn't shut down his mouth. Usually, when confronted, he diminishes the issue at hand and the feelings I am having about it and then deflects by making the issue my fault or making me the reason he did whatever it is in the first place. If the conversation continues, he will then start deflecting by criticizing me personally, then move to insults. Eventually, he will say he is done and either lock himself in a bedroom or lock me outside if I've left.

Once the conversation gets to a certain stage, there is absolutely no point in continuing it because it will escalate and it will be damaging to both of you. (Damaging for me to hear the criticisms and insults and damaging to him when he later realizes the extent of what's happened and beats himself up for the things he's said.) The best way I have found to address something with him that is important but that may cause confrontation, is a letter. I write everything down (that process alone helps me a lot) and leave it for him, telling him he doesn't have to read it and doesn't have to answer back. He always ends up reading them and will usually reach out to discuss it once he's processed the letter and has taken some time. And since I have gotten all of it out and onto paper, I don't feel the sense of urgency to where I want to talk about it right now, which helps me be more patient.

 

[dulcia]

By "he will say he is done", I mean done with the relationship and tells me to find someone else.

 

[Wtfiswrong]

By "he will say he is done", I mean done with the relationship and tells me to find someone else.[/Q...

Are we dating the same person? You can have him if that is the case :). I ended the relationship yesterday. still trying to process what the hell went on for the last year and a half and how to fix myself.

 

[dulcia]

Are we dating the same person? You can have him if that is the case :). I ended the relationship yes...

Ahhhh lol. Sh*t we might be, I wouldn't even know at this point honestly. We broke up last week, but have decided in the last few days to try and see if we can work things out. Well....he is sure everything can be fixed, I am not sure, but he is very adamant about proving me wrong so here we are.

 

[dulcia]

@Wtfiswrong, have y'all ended things before?

 

[Wtfiswrong]

@Wtfiswrong, have y'all ended things before?

Yep constant cycle- usually don't know the difference anymore between isolation or breakup.

I ended it this time and moved out all of my things.

He was going through high family drama stress ( his abusers) so I don't think me leaving for good has fully even registered.

He let me leave without even saying bye. Just sort of whatever.

I have been through this too many times and i need to make myself a priority again. He shouldn't be in a relationship till he helps himself.

It seems there are plenty of sufferers who are at different healing stages who know how to act right.

I am done allowing ptsd as an excuse for bad behavior.

I hope you find the strength to do the right thing for you, whatever that may be

 

[dulcia]

How are things going, @Wtfiswrong?

 

[Wtfiswrong]

Not a word from him.nor at this point do inexpert one.

I contemplated reaching out to him for closure but decided against it.

If he cared he would reach out to me bottom line.

How are you doing ?

 

[Sea_lady]

That has nothing to do with PTSD.

 

[dulcia]

Sorry you're in that situation, @Wtfiswrong. But not expecting him to reach out has always felt like a nice stage to get to, in my experience. I'm doing alright, thank you :)