Madness, Insanity & The World Wide Web

[cherryblossom]

I like your comment above. Not because I like that you are suffering (hopefully that goes without saying), but just because you are here and saying that, even with the best knowledge and management - PTSD is still always there. And it can still be just as awful, no matter how much knowledge, and management you try to put in place.

Actually, I think I 'like' your post for more selfish reasons for that if I'm honest. My struggle with PTSD is huge at the moment. But I also still want to be the supportive person on Mysexualabuse. I certainly found it pretty difficult to admit to my forum members that I was struggling big time (and I have way less people interested in me than you do). So 'hats off to you', for sharing your difficulties here (I apologise if that sounds condescending - that's not my intention. I'm struggling to actually find the right words - sorry.)

That's why it's selfish that I like your post, because it makes my own struggles feel somehow more validated. It kind of makes it okay for me to struggle, if you (my absolute saviour when it comes to helping me with PTSD) still struggle sometimes, then it feels that it's okay that I do too.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I like your post too Anthony same as CB...becasue "you are here and saying that."

Struggling too, sometimes with SI...and like CB:

because it makes my own struggles feel somehow more validated. It kind of makes it okay for me to struggle,

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Rumors]

Try this stuff called G8. It is a sleep supplement from the health store. It works far better than melatonin because if you wake up, you can usually fall right back to sleep where melatonin really only helps you just fall asleep not stay asleep. It doesn't leave you hung over either! Good stuff! I have terrible insomnia so I can relate to not sleeping well. It seems to exacerbate the negative thoughts that rush through my mind. If I can sleep well, things seem somewhat clearer.
Feel better!

 

[anthony]

Thanks all... PTSD is just PTSD, and it kicks all our arses if you have it. CB... don't ever feel as though you shouldn't say your ill, if you are so, because one thing I've learnt in life is that pride can really kick you in the arse hard. I accepted longgggg ago just how ill I am with PTSD, and thus knowing how bad PTSD is within me, I control my life to factor it in order to keep symptoms down / away, as much as possible. Nicolette gets fooled in her own false aspects about me at times, because when I have good days, weeks or months, she suddenly thinks I'm cured and can take the world on... to only discover how fast I go to shit.

To be perfectly honest, IMHO, I'm still an amateur at this for having it only 10 years now, compared to others who have been dealing with it much longer. I guess my ignorance period was just shorter than most, and even then... there wasn't exactly a flood of good information around even a decade ago to really help people, so one could say ignorance wasn't really much of a choice, but more you just had to suck it up and do the best you could before about the last 6 - 10 years now.

PTSD just shits me at times... the rest I can deal with it when under control. I hate it when it gets out of the box!

@Rumors thanks, but I prefer to sleep without drugs, even naturopathic ones.

 

[Rumors]

Understood! I do too, I am not a medicine person, but I also know there are just times when life is kicking my ass so bad that I have to take this a few days to sleep. I am able to cope better with what life might throw at me when I am we'll rested and it seems to allow me the ability to think more clearly and make better decisions. However, I totally understand not wanting to take anything. I came across this in desperity as I had not slept we'll in several days or weeks.

Hope you feel better soon. Sending positive thoughts for restful nights and happy days. Hang in there!

 

[Nicolette]

Nicolette doesn't think Anthony is cured and I'm no fool.... But I hang onto the good times wishing life was stress free so he wouldn't get ill. I unfortunately am too at the mercy of PTSD via proxy.

I get nothing compares to the suffering of PTSD.....

 

[The Albatross]

Two things I find helpful, either both if I can manage it or one:

Do a quick inventory of what was occurring in the last month or so and take a look at what problem solving or stress management stuff I was using. Often times preceding a down cycle, I lapse into one, two or more maladaptive habits. If I can identify them I can endeavor to work on them if nothing else to slow myself down and not hit the bottom or maybe even stop myself when I'm falling into the pit.

The other one is to take a run at a finite short term goal/challenge with something where I have previously been successful. Sort of like refreshing my memory through an action or activity for a 30 day period (long enough to re-instill the habit) and give me a foot hold to the last area where I was successful at initiating change at a time when my mind is screaming at me in the down cycle. Ms. Spock is using several of these activities right now, one of them being the Happiness Advantage challenge. I have done that several times as well and even if the down cycle persists, I rebound faster. I go backward to the last place where I was effective, engaged, successful and repeat the experience, bringing it back into the present.

Pause to acknowledge that an occasional valium and a few beers may give short term relief, but it is ineffectual to effect change in the areas that sparked of the down cycle. Taking something from the outside to change the way you feel on the inside is like hitting the pause button. The thing about hitting that button, and at times I do hit that button, is that it is time to collect my thoughts/feelings/self examine to try to frame up a way to stop the slide and when I have a plan or strategy... I have to hit the play button. Not the best way to describe it... but the problem with hitting the pause button for me is that things log jam or pile up.

If all else fails, I ride the down cycle looking for opportunities to get out of it. Sort of like being caught in a rip tide, attempting movement parallel to the shore in either direction, focusing on the swim, the tread, the float... until I'm out again and can turn to shore.

This too will pass Anthony, when you can't swim, tread. When you can't tread, float. When you're rested or you sense an easing of resistance, pick the more generally beneficial direction and endeavor to swim again.

Hope something of this will be helpful. I know you sure have helped me.

 

[anthony]

I go for a walk to the shops most mornings, just to try and keep my stress levels under control, get out of and within society and be a part of life for a fraction of a day. It relaxes me most days and helps me control symptoms for the day. Yesterday... coming home with a small box of Coca-Cola under my arm, waiting for the walk sign at the lights, I stepped out onto the road once green to walk and I could see the car not stopping, so I stopped and made sure two women behind me seen the car that was going to drive straight through. In the second or two it happened, I was going to launch the box of coke at the car / through the passenger window that was down, hopefully hitting the driver. When he stopped, if he did, I was going to beat the shit out of him. All this within a second a two... and then I opted out because it would be me who would go to jail, not him, and that is not what I want to do to Nicolette.

Some days are just a struggle to play nice in society. I go out to try and relax and mingle with people, have a chat to some stranger at the coffee shop or such, and there are always dick heads who have their heads up their arse doing something that could kill others... like driving a car whilst looking in every direction other than forward, where the lights had turned RED.

I take notice at this specific set of traffic lights... because crossing this road for months and atleast once a day when doing it, I will watch someone drive through the red lights. There are no obstructions for the lights... just ignorance of drivers nowadays behind the wheel of a car who think shit will never happen to them.

 

[anthony]

The world is both filled with good and bad people. Waking this morning I had a claim through Paypal for a substantial amount of donations linked to a member account here, with zero posts. Well... then I witness the good, in that other quickly pickup the slack and cover the costs for the sites server, all within the same day. The bad, the good. I still believe there is far more good people in the world than there are bad, and that actually makes me feel quite good as a person within this global economic society we live.

It's good Friday here, well... the day is nearing its end, and just starting for others on the other side of the world. I love time-zones, they're just fascinating. I just finished watching the biography "jobs" based on Steve Jobs, and I loved it. The man was a genius, no doubt about it. Whilst I'm not a fan of Ashton Kutcher acting, I must say he did a really good job of playing Steve Jobs. They even look alike in relative youth pictures. Scary!

Well, running a global forum equals another day of fun, sun and abuse from unhappy persons with mental health. Why is it always someone else's fault when a person doesn't fit in, they take something another says as abusive or such? Why can these people never look inwards and ask themselves, "is it actually me with the issue and I'm projecting?" Maybe...

I especially love reading pieces about how my PTSD affects my decisions here. Interesting, to say the least. If a person actually took the time to read the forum policies, they would always find a decision against them within those policies, because most staff here have PTSD, the others are supporters of someone with PTSD. The reason we have policy and abide by it to the letter is that so we don't have PTSD affecting our decisions. If one of us is having a shit day, we just leave the tough decisions to others. We have policy so that even on a shit day, we can still make tough decisions if needed providing they align with policy. Otherwise, we do nothing. Again... more projection of people placing blame elsewhere for their failure to comply with terms and conditions to be upon a mental health social community.

It becomes really annoying some days reading through some of the crap. Other days, it can be quite funny, because I used to respond to certain things just like they did, though I also have no issue taking responsibility for my own actions. Being online can just be a really toxic environment IMO, from the years of things I've seen, there is potential for both brilliantly enlightening and refreshing, as well as toxic as a waste spill.

I wish new members would honestly do more reading before coming into this community inflicting their self-hatred and projection onto everyone other than themselves, for their own actions.

I have a member who got temporarily banned due to non-compliance of rules and policy, so they registered another account and our system detected it. They subscribed to be a premium member, thinking they would somehow be exempt from suddenly having to comply with the site rules, instead of the belief that this site is their right of use, not a privilege, as I view it. So banning the first account totally, as you can't have two accounts, and temp banning the second inline with what their original temp ban was for, and now they're cancelling everything and complaining to Paypal about not getting the service they paid for. Wait a minute? They attempted to manipulate staff and members, they failed to comply with forum rules and policy, and all of this is both my fault and staff, according to this member. Gee... can you say, Projection!!!

Running a forum can be tough, it really can... running a mental health community just sucks. I've run both, so I have a good idea of issues that occur on both a normal forum and a mental health one. Mental health takes the cake... wins hands down as sucking to deal with symptomatic new members. Once members get past that initial 100 - 200 post stage here, most have zero issues going forward. Shit, a lot cruise past with zero issues right from start... without blaming me or staff for their issues.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I just watched "Jobs" too! :) It was yet another example of the FACT that you can be an asshole and still make significant contributions to society. You can be socially awkward and what not, and still be a valuable person. I've been looking for examples of this in everything because I remember so many people telling me I was a waste of space. Some even said I should kill myself, others said they would kill themselves if they were me. These statements resonate with me, knocking down my confidence.

Yesterday I emotionally accepted the fact that I am living in a society that disagrees with me in some pretty fundamental ways, and that instinctively, I have been trying to figure out how to change them to see life the way I do... but, that is actual counter to what I want everyone to believe. See, I want people to embrace individuality and enjoy each other's differences! LOL! So, here I am trying to get everyone else to embrace individuality... so I won't be so alone in that respect! So, I'll fit in. It was quite an epiphany in the moment when I realized that what was frustrating me so much about everyone else... was actually within my own control to change... I just had to refocus my ambitions on myself, by accepting that the majority of people are going to fit in and expect others to fit in as well... while I am not going to fit in and I am not going to expect others to fit in either. That's just who I am. And, then I became quite proud of myself, not in an "I'm better than them" kind of way; but in a very personal, and self-accepting kind of way. "Hey! I got it. I'm okay. They're okay." Together we make up a society, and I think I can function in it with this kind of self-acceptance. It seems that this message has to be realized in myriad of ways before it can be actualized, as I've had similar understandings before and yet, still, I felt moved by the newness of this realization.

Love your imagery about using your pack of Coke as a weapon against a self-absorbed driver! I have those moments too. It happens in a flash, in my mind I'm suddenly swinging into action just moments ahead of real-time. Sometimes, I physically move and have to stop myself from following through on the action! My body is ready to make it happen, and my mind saves me at the last second by recognizing that it wouldn't be a good idea... Impulse. Yikes!

Have a great week! Thanks for maintaining and moderating this website. :)

 

[anthony]

I ate way too much chocolate today... and now I will have to exercise for the next two weeks to ensure I get rid of any excess weight caused by the binge today. I feel sick... yuk!

 

[HëllaBubz]

I think this thread is also a very real reminder to me that even though I'm feeling 100% better than I was, it only means that I was running in deficit prior! And that it's completely OK to say out loud that PTSD sucks and is stomping all over your ass on a certain day .

Projections is such a strange thing, we all see others doing it, but do fancy footwork around the idea that we are doing it ourselves! My other half and I are currently demolishing a bag of fantails....I figure after losing 19kg, I'll enjoy a treat or two then get back into it.


Love how an entire scenario can run through your head in a split second, and you can make a choice that the potential object of your wrath has no idea about, meanwhile they cruise along, not knowing just how close they came to being in a whole world of hurt.
If you were feeling self indulgent, you could almost pat yourself on the back for being benevolent enough to allow the irritant to continue existence unscathed!

At the end of each scenario, I ask myself one question....do I hate, or am I angered by this person more than I love my partner and child? The answer is usually the only thing holding me back.