Relationship May I ask.... is your sufferer horrible nearly all of the time when they are with you?

[Sunshine71]

May I ask.... is your sufferer horrible nearly all of the time when they are with you?

I don't see many nice times to be honest and though that was "normal" in our PTSD world.

We don't really do anything together and things as a family often end up stressful.

Is this normal or do others manage to have some good times?

:( xxx

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sufferer here.

Is your sufferer in therapy? If so, how long have they been in therapy? If newly in therapy, it tends to get worse before it gets better. If a long time in therapy, there should be coping skills learned that should be used. If not in therapy, that's likely why there are only seeming to be bad times.

I personally would find some boundries that you can lay. Things that you will not put up with. Like being yelled at for instance. Find things that are not something you will put up with and then lay down those boundries and adhere to them. Like "I won't tolerate being spoken to like that. If you want to talk, I will calmly have a discussion. Otherwise, I will not engage in coversation" and then walk away. Just as an example. It can really help create some lines that will then create some better times. Maybe your own therapist can help with boundry setting?

And then maybe to create some better times practice self care. Maybe get away. Girls/boys night with friends. Or just some time to yourself to really care for yourself? Maybe a get away with your kids (if you have them). PTSD is a really stressful disorder for both parties but if your sufferer isn't get some isolation periods just to themselves then that stress can flow over to everyone around so I am sure your sufferer will love the alone time.

Just a few ideas. What makes it more bad times then good in your view?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sounds like he’s not doing too good, and you’re burnt out. You’re allowed to be burnt out, especially if he’s being an ass. Sometimes they can really spread the misery around.

 

[anthony]

Is your sufferer in therapy? If so, how long have they been in therapy?

Read the threads opening post and stop trying to deviate to your own agenda.

 

[joeylittle]

May I ask.... is your sufferer horrible nearly all of the time when they are with you?

Really great question for a thread, @Sunshine71 - thanks for starting it.

ADMIN NOTE: Sufferers who frequent this forum, please remember that it's useful for supporters to get to talk with each other in this space. Read the first post, and don't jump to comment. Questions, use Contact Us.

ETA: cross-posted with @anthony; leaving both up.

 

[LuckiLee]

When J is symptomatic I see all the ugly. Up close and personal. However, the happy and fun times outweigh the bad.

Sometimes special occasions or holidays can increase stress and therefore symptoms. We've had a few crappy holidays through the years too. We're learning as we go. Communication and teamwork is key, imho.My guy is able to tell me when he's uncomfortable, anxious or stressed. And we adapt.

He's working hard in therapy, taking meds, eating right, getting exercise, taking time to himself, fishing, sleeping okay (for him), spending time with family/friends and supporters, connecting with other veterans..... And still some days are pure hell for him. Because PTSD sucks!! It's a horrible disorder that takes so much hard work from not only the sufferer but the S/O too.

Is your guy in therapy? Has he done any research on the disorder? I believe knowledge is power and if you're not informed about what you're (the both of you) dealing with you can't fix or change anything. I guess what I'm asking is HE doing any of the hard work?

Sorry he's being a jerk. It sucks. I know.

XO

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes it seems like it’s all bad all the time, especially if your partner is very symptomatic. Time can drag for sure.

I don't see many nice times to be honest and though that was "normal" in our PTSD world.

Normal for an overflowing cup... hopefully not normal forever.

When J is symptomatic I see all the ugly. Up close and personal. However, the happy and fun times outweigh the bad.

I would agree... one of my vet’s go-to stress reaction is lashing out. Trust me, I’ve gotten more than my fair ration of shit from him at times. When I honestly look back though, when *I’m* not burnt out and exhausted with it all, there is way more good than bad. I think the bad is so bad that it seems like it’s “always” bad when you’re in the midst of it.

 

[EmpoweredGirl]

May I ask.... is your sufferer horrible nearly all of the time when they are with you?

I don't see many nice times to be honest and though that was "normal" in our PTSD world.

We don't really do anything together and things as a family often end up stressful.

Is this normal or do others manage to have some good times?

:( xxx

It comes in waves. Most times we are good. But I must admit there are varying degrees of good. Like last week was really good because he was in a good space. This week not so much.

It can be tough! Burn out is a real thing and I’m sure a lot of us supporters deal with it. That’s why I cling to my independence. What do you do to love on you? Honestly what gets me through is being super independent and goal driven in my personal life. I go to school, work out, work on my startup. (Anything that I’m passionate about!) I try not to be over consumed in my guys struggles. I love him but I can’t fight battles for him. It’s his fight, I’m just on the sideline supporting the best I can without over doing my part. I’m saying all this to say sometimes more self care can make these types of relationships a little easier. At least that’s been my personal experience.

 

[Freida]

This makes me so sad. I wish we weren't so tough to deal with. You all deserve so much more :(

 

[Sighs]

Be careful not to attribute all the bad times to your sufferer’s ptsd. I did that for far too long.
If your safety is compromised get out now!
If there have been no good times for a long time and you can’t see any changes coming then you need to decide whether you want to stay. After all, if nothing changes then nothing changes.

 

[Never_falter2]

To be honest: No, he is not. Most of the times he is actually very nice and he rarely ever is horrible.

Sometimes he likes to nag. Sometimes he is stressed and very annoying by asking the same question over and over again (like if I am sure if there is no bacteria on X or Y, he also has a thing with germs), sometimes he is stupid like drinking to much or overeating junk food.

But horrible... not not really... not sure if this is helpful.

What are the horrible this he does?

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

May I ask.... is your sufferer horrible nearly all of the time when they are with you?

I don't see many nice times to be honest and though that was "normal" in our PTSD world.

We don't really do anything together and things as a family often end up stressful.

Is this normal or do others manage to have some good times?

:( xxx

I’m curious how long you have been with your sufferer and if you feel that the interactions have gotten worse over time?
And, if so, what aspects have gotten worse or become more challenging to deal with?

My relationship was 5 years long and it did progressively seem to worsen. The ‘good times’ didn’t last as long and the disappearing/ghosting happened with shorter intervals and for longer periods of time - we are talking months not just days or weeks like many talk about - and yes this despite being actively engaged in therapy (both of us) with him having 2 in-clinic stays.
We are no longer together and he is in the worst place mentally and physically that I have ever seen him.

Every sufferer and every supporter and every relationship is unique....but I do marvel sometimes at just how different they can be. It is frustrating. I wonder why some sufferers seem to become more symptomatic over time despite therapy, and being educated in and previously using healthy coping mechanisms, and having loving, supportive people and intimate partners in their lives, and others seem to do very well in all aspects of their life despite struggling daily with their PTSD.