Hi everyone
I am a your woman, mid 30s.
I am now starting to feel the 'urge' of finding more about my past and the reason of my current issues.
I have been abused physically a few times by well meaning parents who were "spankers", so they spanked me, as well as slapped me in the face. I only recently felt how wrong that is, since I have become a mother. Before, I thought it was kind of standard procedure with children, you kind of had to spank them here and there.
I also know I have been sexually molested more than once, as I remember well, at different ages, but mainly in my early teenage. In school, boys were to touch my bum as a joke, but that felt like an harassment. Then, an elder man in my family's workplace (a restaurant) repeatedly molested me, touching my breast,kissing my neck, touching my bum, for at least what I think it was 2 years(I was 13 and 14).
Then, when I was 16, my first cousin tried to touch my breast when riding a motorbike (he was sitted behind me), and maybe did it again, but I don't remember it.
My memories of these events are not very very vivid, as I think there is more and I am burying it. I feel there is more, also in my earlier childhood. Why? I am not sure. Maybe because of my strange lifestyle.
I am completely disinterested in (normal) sex. Completely. I rarely have sex drive towards my husband. Like once a year. When I have other kind of sex drives, i have fetish. I have sexual fetishes. In particular, about the stomach area. And i have fantasies of being tortured and tied, and tickled. In my tummy.
I had my first sexual encounter when I was 16 with a boy I was absolutely in love with. But, I completely froze down there and could not even do it. I didn't like it at all.
Then again months later I had a different boyfriend, same thing, didn't like it at all, felt only a lot of pain. Only months later with him I started to enjoy it. I was 17. That lasted about a year. Then, for another 5 years we dated, and I was absolutely disinterested in having sex.
Then we broke up, I had other boyfriends and kind of regain my sexuality. and had the first orgasm of my life, by myself !
I am now married and I don't have a sex drive anymore. I used to, for I think the first year I dated my husband.
I certainly see sex as something "dirty".
And I think all of these issues I have regarding my sex life, are the cause of something that happened to me in my early childhood. I always had this fetish about people's stomach. I couldn't even pronounce the word belly, or the word love. But, I also have clear memories of a beautiful, fun childhood with loving parents and grandparents.
I always had huge fears of abandonment. I always had nightmares and night terrors, and what is called "vivid dreams", so I would feel to be awake in my head, my mind would be awake, but my body would still be paralyzed, like is in sleep mode. I could not wake up and would feel blocked , trapped inside of me. Horrible feeling.
I still have these "dreams" or vivid dreams, sometimes.
I always had fantasies about my belly. I remember I had a dream, I think I was 8. In the dream I realized I was dreaming and I started showing everyone my belly and my bellybutton, as I knew it was a dream and I could do things even if they were dirty, it was only a dream.
When I was a child I also had much interest in "trashy" magazines showing women's nude breasts. And people being tickled and tortured.
Sometimes I have flashbacks of terror, of pain, of people being tortured. it is so scary and strange, and i don't understand.
I was in analysis for 8 years, from 14 years to 22. We didn't even cover the whole sex area. My terap.would ask about sex, I would go talk about something else. I never told anyone about the abuser (the work colleague in my fam business) or my cousin.
I cannont remember anything else but I think there is more.... I also have strange habits compared to the ones I used to have. I used to wash my hair every single day in my high school time. I now don't for even a month sometimes.
When I was 12 or so, I used to pull my hair out. I had an actual hole in my hair, right in the middle of the head. I pulled all the hair there. It was large as a 50cent coin.
I have out-of-body experience sometimes while dreaming-sleeping. Always had.
Also, I have moments in which I look at myself in the mirror and don't recognize me. Like I am outside of my body.
I have and always had severe anxiety. And often have strange feelings of shame and panic attacks. I had self-injuring behaviors even when I was like 8 or 9, towards my belly and bellybutton.
I always had big insecurities and I have been depending on others(friends etc).
I did not do well in school, and could not concentrate well at all.
I really hope I am wrong, and all my issues come from those molests I received, but I feel there is more somewhere and I might be ready to see them.
I have been suggested to do hypnosis , but I am completely terrified to loose control. How else can I find out what happened to me?
I know I should not force any memories, but really, also for respect towards my husband, I should address the causes of my sexual disinterest and lack of passion.
Thank you all for your support, in this very painful description .
I am a your woman, mid 30s.
I am now starting to feel the 'urge' of finding more about my past and the reason of my current issues.
I have been abused physically a few times by well meaning parents who were "spankers", so they spanked me, as well as slapped me in the face. I only recently felt how wrong that is, since I have become a mother. Before, I thought it was kind of standard procedure with children, you kind of had to spank them here and there.
I also know I have been sexually molested more than once, as I remember well, at different ages, but mainly in my early teenage. In school, boys were to touch my bum as a joke, but that felt like an harassment. Then, an elder man in my family's workplace (a restaurant) repeatedly molested me, touching my breast,kissing my neck, touching my bum, for at least what I think it was 2 years(I was 13 and 14).
Then, when I was 16, my first cousin tried to touch my breast when riding a motorbike (he was sitted behind me), and maybe did it again, but I don't remember it.
My memories of these events are not very very vivid, as I think there is more and I am burying it. I feel there is more, also in my earlier childhood. Why? I am not sure. Maybe because of my strange lifestyle.
I am completely disinterested in (normal) sex. Completely. I rarely have sex drive towards my husband. Like once a year. When I have other kind of sex drives, i have fetish. I have sexual fetishes. In particular, about the stomach area. And i have fantasies of being tortured and tied, and tickled. In my tummy.
I had my first sexual encounter when I was 16 with a boy I was absolutely in love with. But, I completely froze down there and could not even do it. I didn't like it at all.
Then again months later I had a different boyfriend, same thing, didn't like it at all, felt only a lot of pain. Only months later with him I started to enjoy it. I was 17. That lasted about a year. Then, for another 5 years we dated, and I was absolutely disinterested in having sex.
Then we broke up, I had other boyfriends and kind of regain my sexuality. and had the first orgasm of my life, by myself !
I am now married and I don't have a sex drive anymore. I used to, for I think the first year I dated my husband.
I certainly see sex as something "dirty".
And I think all of these issues I have regarding my sex life, are the cause of something that happened to me in my early childhood. I always had this fetish about people's stomach. I couldn't even pronounce the word belly, or the word love. But, I also have clear memories of a beautiful, fun childhood with loving parents and grandparents.
I always had huge fears of abandonment. I always had nightmares and night terrors, and what is called "vivid dreams", so I would feel to be awake in my head, my mind would be awake, but my body would still be paralyzed, like is in sleep mode. I could not wake up and would feel blocked , trapped inside of me. Horrible feeling.
I still have these "dreams" or vivid dreams, sometimes.
I always had fantasies about my belly. I remember I had a dream, I think I was 8. In the dream I realized I was dreaming and I started showing everyone my belly and my bellybutton, as I knew it was a dream and I could do things even if they were dirty, it was only a dream.
When I was a child I also had much interest in "trashy" magazines showing women's nude breasts. And people being tickled and tortured.
Sometimes I have flashbacks of terror, of pain, of people being tortured. it is so scary and strange, and i don't understand.
I was in analysis for 8 years, from 14 years to 22. We didn't even cover the whole sex area. My terap.would ask about sex, I would go talk about something else. I never told anyone about the abuser (the work colleague in my fam business) or my cousin.
I cannont remember anything else but I think there is more.... I also have strange habits compared to the ones I used to have. I used to wash my hair every single day in my high school time. I now don't for even a month sometimes.
When I was 12 or so, I used to pull my hair out. I had an actual hole in my hair, right in the middle of the head. I pulled all the hair there. It was large as a 50cent coin.
I have out-of-body experience sometimes while dreaming-sleeping. Always had.
Also, I have moments in which I look at myself in the mirror and don't recognize me. Like I am outside of my body.
I have and always had severe anxiety. And often have strange feelings of shame and panic attacks. I had self-injuring behaviors even when I was like 8 or 9, towards my belly and bellybutton.
I always had big insecurities and I have been depending on others(friends etc).
I did not do well in school, and could not concentrate well at all.
I really hope I am wrong, and all my issues come from those molests I received, but I feel there is more somewhere and I might be ready to see them.
I have been suggested to do hypnosis , but I am completely terrified to loose control. How else can I find out what happened to me?
I know I should not force any memories, but really, also for respect towards my husband, I should address the causes of my sexual disinterest and lack of passion.
Thank you all for your support, in this very painful description .
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