Me And My Bf Have A Similar Childhoods.. (ptsd)

[Emily233]

While because of this, we often understand each others emotions better...we deal and see things very differently at times. And of course, while our childhoods are similar; they are not the same.

I have been really struggeling with my boyfriend idolising his father at times. Yesterday he proclaimed he is 'alot like his father was'. What I know about his dad, is that he was *really* physically and otherwise abusive towards his wife (my boyfriends mom). Besides that he was an exploitant on the Red Light District, where according to my boyfriend, he treated the prostitutes badly and 'as products'. I guess the big difference between his dad and mine, was that he never tried hurting his own kids.

Anyway, every time he tells how awesome his dad was I just get scared and triggered. I can't get over the fear of my boyfriend becoming abusive because he's idolising his dad and glorifies many of his actions.
He sometimes admits that some of the things his dad did 'weren't OK' after thorough questioning from my part. I don't want to push it too far, because I want to respect the relationship he had with his dad who is deceased by now. Yet in my mind.. I can't really find peace every time the subject comes up in this manner.

What can I do?

 

[scout86]

Have you talked to him about it and explained what you're concerned about?

There are some good reasons to be concerned. Sometimes people DO form a kind of bond with their abuser and sometimes they deal with things by mimicking the abuser. Sometimes, that form of communicating and expressing themselves is all they know. Not always. There are many people who leave an abusive situation and swear (consciously or not) to never treat anyone else that way.

No one is all good or all bad. No doubt there WERE some good things about his dad and you're probably not aware of them.

In any case, your concerns are real and legitimate. You should be able to talk to him about it. He should hear you, respect your feelings, and be willing to address your concerns.

 

[Friday]

My son does this. For him, it's easy to see the answer as to why: He loves his father & he cannot reconcile loving someone who is also an evil prick. I don't use the phrase lightly, and I don't make it any more difficult on him (my son) than it already is for him. He's currently in a whitewash phase: the evil never happened. Yes, kiddo. It did, and it was wrong. And you were brave, and strong, and tough. Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean everything they do is right. We left because of what was wrong. You love him for what was right. Head & heart, kiddo. Gotta use both.

 

[shimmerz]

This one hits close to my heart. My children as well feel that the sun rises and sets with their father. @FridayJones put it really well. He is an evil prick as well. He was evil to my children when they were growing up and is still evil although they don't see it. He is powerful. Omnipotent in their eyes and truly I feel like my children would fall apart if something were to happen to him because their personality is wrapped up so much him. *heavy sigh*. I can only stand back and watch. They are 30 now and two of my three young men have children of their own. And so the cycle continues.....I hate the role I played in this.

Anyways, kleenex is back in my pocket, and @emily233, all I can say is that life is like that. Beliefs can be so ingrained. I think it is good that you challenge them and not let them slide. We as children of assholes or not, so need to identify with 'our peeps' that we do all sorts of psychological bending and twisting in order to resolve the conflict of 'he was so cruel' with 'but I see that I am like him'. So then the game is that we either need to make them 'okay' or we need to not be like them at all. The latter is a much more difficult thing to do I think.

 

[Friday]

Was going to ETA... But figure, even though along the same line of reasoning:

Good people do bad things.
Bad people do good things.
Bad things happen to good people.
Good things happen to bad people.
And all the inverse.

That's a concept / those are concepts that many people will never be able to fully grok. The simplest ones are the hardest to get. Short words. Love, hate, fear, trust... The shorter the word, the simpler it seems, the more complex the topic. Being able to hold 2 conflicting topics in your head at the same time? In your heart at the same time? It's a difficult thing. I can do it some times, with some things. But we, most of us, struggle with it. Why else the rogue cop, the hitman with a heart of gold, mob wives, pretty woman, pirates... the stories we pass down, generation after generation. Antagonists, protagonists, tricksters, fools. We glorify. We demonize. We try to put people in boxes. We pathologize them. People are complicated.

"...& all good people like us are 'we'
& everyone else is 'them'. "

"Everything that I believe is wrong with you is wrong with me."

Trying to identify with other people... To see where we line up? Where we fit? Where we belong? Who we are? Questions of the ages. Short questions. Hard answers. Moving target.

 

[myheart]

Just needed to comment on this thread. I'm 45 and love my dad deeply, probably too much. I think he's very handsome and one of the smartest people I know. But...he has been cruel to me, even in my adult life. He's in his early 70's, but I am still afraid of him. I talked to one of my sisters about this one day day, and asked her if she was afraid of him. She was like, "Why? He's an old man." But to me, and my probable Stockholm Syndrome, he might as well be 30 and strong in my eyes of a little girl. He still calles me "kid" when I call, or "Suzie Q" which I like for some reason. When I was little, I didn't try to walk around in Mom's high heels. I walked around in my Dad's shoes. Maybe that's why I never wanted children...I somehow KNEW I would follow...uncontrollably follow his abusive path.

 

[shimmerz]

Bad things happen to good people.
Good things happen to bad people.
And all the inverse.

I feel like I haven't gotten to the 'inverse' part yet. :confused:

probable Stockholm Syndrome,

Yes. Funny how fear can twist into love. Or be combined so heavily. Or....well, I haven't figured it out yet.

 

[myheart]

I think fear and hate twist into love as an amazing gift so that we will survive through it ALL. Love conquers ALL...even if it is directed at our abusers at the time. My opinion.

 

[myheart]

And fear, hate, and love can co-exist...like I feel towards my Dad.

 

[shimmerz]

Ahhh, interesting thought. For myself and my journey I have learned to dissect the fear and hate and see them for what they are, the grounds for those feelings and try to pull them apart from the love. Just like you are reminding your Bf of the reasons that perhaps he should remember certain 'issues' and not wrap them into love. You are showing him the discrepancies. I can still love, if I choose to, but not for the reasons that I feared them. That way I won't carry the sickness forward.