I think letting yourself off the hook a bit will go a long way. Stop beating yourself up! You didn't know! It's ok!
A big thing that I see a lot of long time supporters do a lot of is self care. Take care of yourself first! Be it mentally, physically, or just giving yourself a break.
You mentioned anxiety a few times. Maybe even a therapist for yourself? They can help you understand your relationship with your BF even better and it's much more personal and in depth and you can understand the PTSD aspect of it. You can learn how to lay boundries and where and how to adhere to them. But mainly, you can learn how to take great care of yourself. If my supporter isn't taking care of themselves while I am isolated, that makes it so much worse for me as well.
But, mainly, your mental wellbeing should always come first for you. Use your oxygen mask on yourself first. You can't help him during it. No one can help me while I am on the bathroom floor in the dark but my service dog but no human can help me. I have to go through it and go through it alone (human wise).
The best thing you can do for him is to help yourself. You know? Stop beating yourself up for past mistakes that you made without the knowledge you have today and cannot change those mistakes (if you can call them that as you didn't have the knowledge you do today) would be the first on the list of helping yourself. If that makes any sense.
That makes total sense, thank you! I'm realizing this time around that taking care of my self is pretty much all that I can do and in the past I've completely neglected my personal well being. I'm trying everything I can to keep myself busy and keep my mind off of him.
It's hard to say if 'it gets better'
@apear1818. I have been at this many years, and I still have my moments. It doesn't last as long, and I can regroup faster. But it also depends on the causes for PTSD to begin with.
You can ask him if he would consider therapy. But let it go then. Regardless of what he says,' ya, ok, I'll try' or 'no ,not now' or NO.
He has to be the one to seek out help. You can even offer to help gather information WITH him. But not do it for him.
And it was suggested you get help too. I highly recommend that. If you are going to commit to this, you are going to need help, and have a place to go to unload.
If he hasn't been diagnosed with PTSD, you telling him he may have it, will probably not bode well. Just asking if he has considered therapy is a good question without you assuming you know more about him than he knows of himself. It's like walking in a minefield.
I can tell you don't quite believes us that 'love' won't be enough. Is him NOT going for help after a reasonable amount of time a deal breaker for you?? And keeping in mind what a 'reasonable amount of time' would be, is two different things to you and to him. What if it takes him years to go for help? Just some questions you need to ask yourself.
If he doesn't go for help, what plans do you have in place for the times he ghosts without a word from him? How long are you willing to take all the responsiblity? Can you calmly and rationaly speak to him to at least text you while he is gone to let you know he is ok? You do have the right to ask. But be reasonable. He may not be able to text every day. Or he may forget.
Not forget because he doesn't care about you, but because there is sometimes no room in the pain for a text. Sounds dramatic. It is. But honest.
And forgive yourself for not knowing. Even knowing you are going to be human. It will be great, then awful. It's a roller coaster ride. And compare what all it's taken the past few months, can you do this for years? Even if he goes for help, it is going to take years of healing.
Not trying to talk you out of being in a relationship with him. We all deserve to be loved. Just would like to see you walking in with your eyes wide open.
I truly wish you both a positive journey, together. For his sake and yours. He can not give you what he does not have. Not yet. Until he cares about himself.
We are good people. With wounded hearts and shattered sense of self and saftey. It can get very complicated and very emotional.
Wishing the best for both of you. Gentle hugs if accepted. :hug:
Thanks for the input! I am comfortable asking him if he would consider getting help because it's something he has brought up to me recently-- actually just after the last time that he isolated. He knows that something is not right with him and he want's to just live a normal quiet life but he has entirely too much going on in his head at all times (those are his words, not mine).
We haven't talked about what the isolation is doing to our relationship beyond making up after he's done it each time in the past. Before I started doing my research I attributed the isolation solely to some event that he was dealing with during those periods and I thought that he just didn't deal with stress well.
I would like for him to talk to a professional (and possibly one for myself too), but if he doesn't then I do need to have a conversation about what I should expect and why I should trust that he is not just disappearing to be a jerk. Like I've said previously, when he isolates he character and demeanor are completely different than when he is feeling like his self.
If he doesn't, or even if he does seek out professional help, I would still like to have a conversation with him about what both of us need when he is isolating. For me that would be a text every few days to let me know he is ok and alive; for him it would probably be for me to leave him the heck alone and take care of myself. I definitely don't need a text every hour or even every day, but every few days or a couple of times a week would be nice and reassuring.
So far in our (short) relationship, this is the only problem we have.. other than this I can honestly say it's the happiest I've ever been with somebody; he's an amazing man and completely worth sticking around for. I'm not here to "fix" him, but I do want to have a life with him and keep making memories and going on adventures.
Thank you again for the input. This forum has helped me cope with all of this beyond what my words can express. This is the first time I haven't felt completely crazy (or weak) for sticking around even though he's put me through all of this.
Best way to support him? Leave him alone.
I know it sucks. I’m a supporter in a relationship with a combat vet as well, and he isolates too.
When he’s isolating he is overwhelmed. He’s trying to reset. He cannot deal with his own emotions, so he really cannot deal with other people’s either. That’s why he can work, or hang out with friends, or be on social media... they don’t take an emotional toll like romantic relationships do. It’s nothing you’ve done, and nothing to do with the relationship. He just needs a break to deal with his own shit.
Giving him space is a loving act. Reigning in your own anxiety is a loving act. He’s overwhelmed and needs that love.
Thank you for the advice! I'm trying to put myself in the best mindset possible so that I do not try and talk to him and overwhelm him. I want to better understand the toll that our romantic relationship takes on him so that I might understand him better. I'm getting better at giving him his space and focusing on my own life even though I want to scream sometimes.
I’m glad you are learning more about PTSD and I can tell you really care about him a lot.
You are on the right track to do all you can to avoid contacting him, remembering that when someone says no, or otherwise sets a boundary, it’s best to respect that boundary.
It is really supportive of the person and their healing to respect boundaries they set —especially for trauma survivors, as it’s often critical to trust. Trauma is the invasion of so many boundaries... respecting boundaries is the opposite. It will show him you are safe. When you want to text him, you could remind yourself you want to show him you are safe and you will wait.
What kind of supports do you have for you? Friends or family? Diving into other relationships might help reduce some of the anxiety and worry you feel and meet your needs for connection with others.
Thank you for the reply! I do care about him a lot and I want to be there for him in any way that will help him, even if it's just knowing when to back off. In the past it's been hard for me to respect those boundaries and give him space because I didn't know why he was isolating himself, but by reading everything I have so far it's starting to make sense to me and it's gotten easier to simply just leave him alone.
My bestfriend is my main support system and she's been there for me through it all. I've also started spending more time with my family and trying to cultivate new friendships to have reasons to get out of the house or get my mind off of him. It depends on the day, but usually diving into those other relationships does help ease my anxiety about it a bit.
Suffer here
Chances are this was the trigger. It's good to share stories but isolation can be required afterwards to decompress.
not necessarily. You just get better at dealing with it.
therapy will probably make it worse because he will have to start dealing with his demons and that is damn hard
@joeylittle is dead on - would you allow him to treat you like this if he didn't have ptsd? Without a diagnosis it's hard to know for sure if it's a mental illness thing or if he's just being an ass. Either way you have to decide what you will tolerate in a relationship.
I think you're right about sharing the stories being the trigger. Before I turned in for the night he was completely fine and kissed me goodbye, but when he came back he was a completely different person.
Thank you for that insight on therapy, I didn't necessarily think therapy could make things worse, but you're right, he would have to face all of his demons. However, if that will help him in the long run to be happy then I will be there to support him in any ways I can. He doesn't like to talk to me about his time in the military, or even his life right after he got out very much, but I do recall him saying that he took advantage of the VA for a while after he got out. I cannot say for sure that he has or has not been diagnosed with PTSD, but after everything he has been through and all of the signs and symptoms he presents, it makes sense. However, I am not a mental health care professional, so I am basing my opinion on my intuition and what I have read so far. If he were to seek out help and not be diagnosed with PTSD, that would be a different story and I think I would be on the wrong forum... at that point I would find a "my boyfriend is an ass" forum; but, as of right now I am going to support him because he is worth it and deserves to have someone in his corner.
Ex supporter here. It was the same for me....he could go to the movies, restaurants and so on with his male or even female friends...not with me. Spend hours with them...where the amount of time he spend with me, would get smaller and smaller the more I pushed for time and intimacy until I felt reduced to a friend with benefits....and then I broke it off after two years of push-pull. I know that it is hell for you when he pulls back and especially when he sees everybody but you....pure hell. You can try to set boundaries....but if he is anything like my guy that will only push him further away. PTSD is a bitch...I wish I had some great advice for you, but I really don’t....just respect that he pulls away....don’t push him even when you feel like screaming.
Thank you for sharing, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that has been through this situation. While I am happy that he is happy, I find it very hard to deal with seeing him on social media, or knowing that he is horsing around at work.
When he is in a good state of mind we do spend a lot of time together, maybe that is something I should consider cutting back on.
I completely understand the push-pull hell. I want to pull him in when he wants to push me away. It is very difficult for me to accept the pushing aspect because of the type of person that I am. I want answers and explanations, I want to understand and if I don't get that my anxiety immediately goes through the roof. For a while the hardest part of all of this was not knowing why he was pushing away, and I thought it was my fault. I'm happy and relieved to know that it probably doesn't have anything to do with me, he just needs time to reset. With that, I am able to reel in my anxiety and respect his boundaries. Thanks again Butterfly64!
