Relationship My bf says i am the cause of his ptsd

[littleoc]

One night I drank way too much, I wasn’t blackout drunk but I was very out of it and not processing things at normal speed.

and ended up hooking up with and having sex with the guy I was kind of seeing

Okay, I understand now. It's questionable because it happened while you were drunk, but if it does not cause you distress, then no worries.

But your personal life and decision will not cause PTSD in him. That doesn't meet the first criteria of PTSD. Sure, maybe he is upset about it, but it's not PTSD.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Like others have said there’s no way he could have PTSD from what you described. He could have it from something else that meets the diagnostic criteria but the situation you’ve described doesn’t meet the criteria.

last time, so this time he won’t talk to me for two weeks.

This is text book manipulation and emotional abuse.

just wish there was a way I could prove to him that he knows the full story, because I think then it would all be okay.

It wouldn’t. It’s never enough and it only escalates if unchecked. Eventually he’ll be forcing you to allow him to look through your devices and have a tracker in your phone.

And honestly does it help him? To know all this every detail about your life. You either trust someone or you don’t. If you don’t there’s two options 1) leave the relationship 2) learn how to trust, how to cope with intrusive thoughts, go to therapy and commit to your healing.

There is no option 3 of being controlling and manipulative, that’s just being and abusive spouse.

 

[Sweetpea76]

In order for him to have PTSD he needs a Crit. A trauma.

Criterion A (one required): The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, in the following way(s):

• Direct exposure
• Witnessing the trauma
• Learning that a relative or close friend was exposed to a trauma
• Indirect exposure to aversive details of the trauma, usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, medics)

No matter how bad you may have hurt his feelings that night, it was in no way, shape, or form enough to give him PTSD. Hurt feelings do not give you PTSD.

 

[Friday]

He says that night is what caused it, t

Total bullshit.

You can’t get PTSD from someone else having consensual sex.

Jealousy? Sure. Which is exactly like what this sounds like.

After about a week of only talking when he was yelling at me or questioning me, we finally made up and everything was fine. But then last night, I was very tired after a rough and busy weekend, and he became very anxious and started questioning me again. I

He said he didn’t talk to me for a week last time, so this time he won’t talk to me for two weeks. He then told me he was sleeping in the bed and that I can take the couch, and to go stay with my mom the rest of the week

Punishing you from something that happened before your relationship? THAT is deeply concerning, to me. It’s borderline abusive, in and of itself, adding in the blame shifting that HIS anxiety / temper tantrums / refusing to eat unless you coddle him / etc. are YOUR fault??? Equating your sleeping with your boyfriend as serious as CritA trauma? Taking the normal (and, yes, sleeping with the guy you were seeing at the time is NORMAL and doesn’t deserve interrogation much less condemnation) and blowing it into this huge deal? Are giant waving red flags.

What he is doing to you, is wrong.

The way he is treating you is wrong.

Your accepting his demanding interrogations and punishments -for his thoughts, not even something you did, but his thoughts about something long past- as if he has the right to? Tells me you either have a history of abuse/DV... or soon will.

Don’t walk. Run.

 

[LuckiLee]

No, he can't get PTSD because someone took advantage of you when you were drunk. He can blame you all he wants but he's bull sh*tting you.

I'm wondering how old you both are? And why do you get so serious about boys so quickly? You should go slow and get to know people a little better. These guys? Are jerks. And they will treat all women the same. This is where YOU make the choice about how YOU want to be treated.

Go find a good man, they're out there.
Love yourself!


XO

 

[Friday]

On the chance you don’t know how TO be treated?

Compare yourself to a dog.

I know. Low bar. And can be a bit of a blow to the ego. But let’s just start there.

Would you treat a dog this way?

Scene : You remember your dog did somehing a year ago that pissed you off, so you punish the dog? f*ck no. Not even once, much less day after day for a whole motherf*cking week. But wait, there’s more. You remember again, so this time you punish the dog for 2 weeks?

Yeah. THAT’S who you’re dating. Someone who treats you like you wouldn’t even treat a dog.

That’s how this guy treats people he loves. I’m not even questioning that. Full on assuming he loves you with every cell in his body. And THAT he how he treats you. Like he owns you, and worse than a dog.

When people talk about having self respect? What they mean is that you don’t agree that you should be treated like misbehaving property to be put in its place whenever the stray thought strikes them out of the blue. Because you know you aren’t a dog, and don’t deserve this shit... and neither does the dog.

 

[Sweetleaf]

And why do you get so serious about boys so quickly? You should go slow and get to know people a little better.

Pretty much like, if I hadn't been so quick to get into relationships and escalate them with people - I wouldn't have PTSD because I never would have wound up with my abuser.
So, @LuckiLee has a good point. A nice dose of caution and slowness is a good idea when getting into relationships with people. That said, I don't blame anyone for -not- being cautious, in that, that is just how some of us are - until we learn the hard way. I would also be a hypocrite for shaming anyone for being like that.

But it's best to take things slow and be cautious.

@Dancer055 this guy seriously sounds like an asshole. An abusive asshole. That sort of the behavior is exactly the kind of shit my abuser would have pulled - and if he is doing this at the 6 month point (or wherever it is you're at) - imagine what he would be comfortable doing to you years down the line.

My own abuse escalated from emotional/verbal abuse like what he's doing to you, into physical and sexual abuse.

@Friday has a great point, too - he's treating you worse than someone would treat a dog. He's treating you like he's in some position of authority over you - he's manipulating you by f*cking with your emotions and dragging them all over the place. He's treating you like an object - that's why he's upset you slept with someone before you slept with him - he's upset that his object got played with by someone else. Makes me feel sick to say that.

Only a f*cking worthless asshole would care who you slept with before being in a relationship with them.

Also I will echo everyone else again, and say - there is no f*cking way he could possibly have PTSD from you sleeping with someone who wasn't him, before he was even in a relationship with you.

He is trying to guilt you so much, over and over, even though you did nothing bad or wrong.

Get away from that f*cking psycho!

 

[Mytime]

Hi Dancer055 welcome to the forum. I’m sorry your hurting. Your looking for help or some answers. I’m sure your not liking the answers your getting here. What everyone here is saying is the truth. You are living in an abusive relationship. What he has been doing is grooming you. He makes you feel loved so deep, you start to believe you can’t live without him. He makes you feel like he can’t live without you. He boost up your self esteem, only to rip it away and make you guess your self worth. Then he will pick you up, only to knock you down again. And why would he do that?
Because he needs you to believe, you will only feel good about yourself when your with him and staying in line. You said you were close friends when you were dating his friend. I have to question his loyalty to you. You were at a party, the same one as him, really drunk. Where was he? He wasn’t trying to protect you in anyway, a good friend would have made sure you were safe. He, himself told you he knew you where not in a good state of mind. What happened between you and his friend is none of his business. Ask yourself, why didn’t he ask his friend? You said he has flashbacks of that night. I call bullshit. Flashbacks of him partying with his friends. You said you were in therapy but stopped because of your schedule. I think you should change your schedule. As far as him going to therapy because of that night. Once again I call bullshit. What is he going to tell his therapist, “ the girl I like was with my friend. Everyone here has pointed out all the red flags and I’m sure your friends have pointed them out also. Please leave this relationship it is not in anyway a healthy one. I’m not going to touch on him saying you are the cause of his PTSD, everyone here already has.
I am sorry your hurting and hope you take in what everyone has said.

 

[Dancer055]

I just want to say thank you to what everyone has said, and that I have a lot of thinking to do. You guys brought up many points I never thought of because I was just so upset about him being upset. It means a lot that you all reached out and are concerned, I appreciate it all so so much. I will post an update once I figure things out!

 

[Sweetleaf]

I just want to say thank you to what everyone has said, and that I have a lot of thinking to do. You guys brought up many points I never thought of because I was just so upset about him being upset. It means a lot that you all reached out and are concerned, I appreciate it all so so much. I will post an update once I figure things out!

Just please don't stay with him :( it's so sad to read about what he's doing to you, and to know from first-hand experience that your brain is probably struggling with the idea of -not- being with him, right now - and that you probably are trying to figure out a way to make it work without leaving him. I don't know. Maybe I'm projecting here. It's just, I know how hard it can be to leave someone, even if they're being bad to you.

Don't be afraid to ask for more help if you need it. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 46500]

None of us know what this guy's story is. He may have ptsd from a trauma we know nothing about. Dancer , you are in a codependent relationship. You depend on him being sick so that you can take care of him and use it as an excuse for your behavior. Stay in school, study hard, get a good job, become independent , and maybe you'll find someone and have a happy healthy relationship in the future.;

 

[Sweetleaf]

None of us know what this guy's story is. He may have ptsd from a trauma we know nothing about.

Nobody is justified in treating her like that even have they have PTSD 5 times over.
I didn't read any of her post and think "she's depending on him being sick"