Hey Froggie, concerning your feeling that your life's ticking away...
I'm a rabid hypochondriac; every bump on my skin, an odd bruise or mole, a pain somewhere, my first thought always is: "It's cancer and I'll die." And even if there's no reason, I often feel like I'm gonna die soon. It's scary, but there are times when I'm at peace with it. This is either when I'm really depressed (haha...) or when I am able to, in my mind, just let everything go.
The mere idea that this thing that I call 'I' will vanish is deeply shocking. But when I focus on the image that all the things I'm clinging to emotionally are just downy little feathers in my hand, it gets better. I can open my hand and feel the feathers there, and when the time has come, wind will blow and take those feathers flying. I'll let them go, just like that, and they will fly happily without me. There will be nothing to worry about, nothing to strain for, nothing to fear for, nothing to do wrong.
Once you've experienced this mindset you realise how draining it actually is, to be attached to people and things, or to life itself. When I let myself sink into it, it gets harder to go on living, but the fear is gone. Sometimes I cry from relief. I am stardust and as old as the universe.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but I wanted to share it, even if it's just so you know that you're not alone.
