Relationship Meeting My Family... Eek!

[Wastinglight]

So my sister said today she wants to come visit me next month. She would like to meet my guy. He hasn't met any of my family yet. I'm friendly with all of his family, and my sister has met his dad and really likes him.

I am suddenly feeling very stressed. Every time we've discussed meeting my family, he has seemed a bit anxious and not particularly keen. I have already told my sister that she might not end up meeting him if he doesn't feel comfortable on the day, because I don't want to put any pressure on him, and I want to give him an 'out'. It is important to me that my family meets him at some point though (and preferably get on well!), but I have always maintained that I am okay with him bailing if he feels uncomfortable.

My sister has no understanding or experience of anxiety disorders/PTSD (despite my efforts to explain my own GAD), and while I love her dearly, she's really not a very empathetic person (by her own admission), and usually doesn't cut people much slack. We are very close, but some of the stuff that went on while I was with my (narcissist and in later years, PTSD sufferer) ex did a lot of damage to our relationship. One of the reasons I am feeling so stressed is because I'm worried that my sister will be offended if he decides not to meet her, and that will end up causing problems between her and I again. We have already had a few conversations where she has remarked that I seem to be making the same choices over again, which I feel is very unfair because my guy is not the arrogant, deceitful person that my ex was. He's a good guy, and it's not like he can help having PTSD!

I don't know if it's possible to keep everyone happy here! And I'm very afraid that my GAD will become an issue if stress occurs, and make everything worse!

I haven't told my guy she's coming yet - she only mentioned it this morning. I will bring it up tonight.

Does anyone else have a similar experience to share, and advice on how best to approach this situation?

 

[Wastinglight]

Just a bit more background on my sister, lest anyone think she's a horrible person (she's not). We were very close growing up, but when I got together with my ex, I kind of disappeared from her life for a number of years. It took a lot for us to become close again. I didn't like her (now) husband for a number of years until I got to know him, which caused all sorts of problems (like, she asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding and I ended up saying no because she refused to invite my ex (which was justified, I realise now - he was a real troublemaker) and because I didn't think her guy was right for her). She is still harbouring hurt from those days, as she felt like I chose my ex over her. Which is kind of true (I tend towards obsessive attachment in relationships, which is unhealthy, and she has tried to point this out to me). I would hate to 'lose' her all over again, and I know she is also worried about this.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Just keep on speaking to her and go ahead and set some boundries about what you want to talk about saying you do not feel comfortable discussing a certain topic and leave it at that and go ahead and change the subject.

Tell her you do not want to lose her and all of the other good things you feel about her, but be careful and do not overexpose your SO or yourself either. Keep it simple short and sweet and just be your wonderful self.

 

[Justmehere]

For some people, meeting family is considered to be a step in commitment to a relationship - and taking that step alone, no matter how great the family is, can be a trigger in an of itself. Maybe it would help to talk more with him about what taking this step means for your relationship with him and if it is a sign of deepening commitment or not. Even if he doesn't meet your family, it could be that the trigger is still there. It's not because you have done anything wrong, it's a reasonable request. It just is how it is for some people, with or without PTSD.

 

[Wastinglight]

Yup, I totally agree @Justmehere, and I strongly suspect that, quite apart from his PTSD triggers, that fear of commitment looms large for him because he had his trust broken in a big way in a past relationship. Throw in the social anxiety that comes with his PTSD and I can understand why 'meeting the family' might be a stressful prospect. Having said that, I have been pleasantly surprised at how well things are going in our relationship so far - I seem to be the one who is having the most difficulties (trust issues and GAD mostly).

For these reasons, I will not attempt to push him into meeting my sis under any circumstances. I will make that clear once again when I bring it up with him tonight.

To be honest, I don't know if I'M ready for this. I might try and push back the visit for a few more months, and offer to go visit her next month instead.

And thank you @gizmo for your good advice re talking to my sis. I will give her a call to talk about it a bit more (we've only been texting about it so far).