I'm really only just starting to get to the point where I'm dealing with unwanted memories and getting a better understanding of my trauma.
I suppose it's a good indicator of how early on i actually am in the healing process when I realize I typed the "tr" part of that word up there and my fingers stopped typing. Just stopped on their own. Took me 30 seconds to make myself start again. I honestly didn't want to type it. Still prefer to call it "the thing". I tell myself, "It's just a word for God's sake. Don't be dramatic." Just a word and yet..... I truly struggled to type the full word. It's both fascinating and depressing to me that something like that can be so difficult. But it's almost as if typing it makes it more real. Gives it air that I know I need to, but don't want to give it. But I'm going to add it to the list of things that I'm trying to use to convince myself to stop the whole denial thing. If it wasn't real, why would what just happened, happen right?
Apologies.....sidetracked already as frequently happens with me.
So my question is about "memory substitution". My biggest battle with myself is how i blocked so much out of my memory. How there are things that I remembered but many many other things that I didn't. I'm not certain how to type this out really so i apologize in advance if it makes little sense or is a bit "rambly". I get that way.
At one point, shortly after the reality of "the thing" came to light in therapy, I had said to T that the story I had in my head, the one that I told to the one person that I even discussed that situation from my past with, was a very shortened, general and different situation/story. And once the story was told, in a very unemotional way I might add, I didn't talk about it again. The odd thing is......while it was almost 40 years ago, I'm certain that I was very general about it intentionally. So somewhere deep down I had to have known there was more to it right? It's a difficult loop in my head. Either way, THAT became my story. I had told my T that I didn't understand WHY that was the story I told. I mean, while the story was KIND OF true I guess, and I'm now quite aware of what the reality of it really was.......I couldn't get thru in my own head how I got to the story that I used. I mean, if i remembered it as what I told in my story, WHY wouldn't I remember the really bad part of it? My T has talked to me about the whole "amygdala based reactions" and the lack of memories being stored correctly ect. and all that. I've read "The Body Keeps The Score", ect. But I have just REALLY struggled with the lack of true memories up until now. Even though I've read about it. Even though I read countless post on here that are similar.....that battle in my head about not accepting it as real because there's just too many things i don't remember. The whole remembering that there was something that happened, but not having a conscious memory of it being very different than the story that i used, and how bad the thing that happened really was.....I just can't seem to make that leap yet. To accept it.
He recently told me that as I begin to stop fighting the denial so much and start allowing myself and my inner child to feel the emotions that I've locked away and forced down for so many decades, the coping mechanisms and energy I've unconsciously used to keep that vault locked won't be necessary anymore. That got me thinking and I was randomly looking up things about how that affects someone: using all of this energy to keep a lock on something you don't even realize you are keeping locked up. And I came across an article that stated there are instances where people don't just block the bad memory, but they actually create a "substitute memory" in it's place. Something that is similar but just way less traumatic to keep as a stored memory. And I wondered......is that what I did? Does that explain why I the story I've told felt real but it was only an unemotional tidbit of the actual truth. The truth for me in my head, but not really the truth. My God I hope this makes sense. I always seem to have a difficult time putting what's in my head into words that make sense.
I guess this is a very very long version of a simple question: Is this a thing that is well known? Can anyone share a similar experience? I guess my hope is that the more I read others say say "Yep, I also did that exact same thing" , the easier and easier the full acceptance of this will happen for me.
I suppose it's a good indicator of how early on i actually am in the healing process when I realize I typed the "tr" part of that word up there and my fingers stopped typing. Just stopped on their own. Took me 30 seconds to make myself start again. I honestly didn't want to type it. Still prefer to call it "the thing". I tell myself, "It's just a word for God's sake. Don't be dramatic." Just a word and yet..... I truly struggled to type the full word. It's both fascinating and depressing to me that something like that can be so difficult. But it's almost as if typing it makes it more real. Gives it air that I know I need to, but don't want to give it. But I'm going to add it to the list of things that I'm trying to use to convince myself to stop the whole denial thing. If it wasn't real, why would what just happened, happen right?
Apologies.....sidetracked already as frequently happens with me.
So my question is about "memory substitution". My biggest battle with myself is how i blocked so much out of my memory. How there are things that I remembered but many many other things that I didn't. I'm not certain how to type this out really so i apologize in advance if it makes little sense or is a bit "rambly". I get that way.
At one point, shortly after the reality of "the thing" came to light in therapy, I had said to T that the story I had in my head, the one that I told to the one person that I even discussed that situation from my past with, was a very shortened, general and different situation/story. And once the story was told, in a very unemotional way I might add, I didn't talk about it again. The odd thing is......while it was almost 40 years ago, I'm certain that I was very general about it intentionally. So somewhere deep down I had to have known there was more to it right? It's a difficult loop in my head. Either way, THAT became my story. I had told my T that I didn't understand WHY that was the story I told. I mean, while the story was KIND OF true I guess, and I'm now quite aware of what the reality of it really was.......I couldn't get thru in my own head how I got to the story that I used. I mean, if i remembered it as what I told in my story, WHY wouldn't I remember the really bad part of it? My T has talked to me about the whole "amygdala based reactions" and the lack of memories being stored correctly ect. and all that. I've read "The Body Keeps The Score", ect. But I have just REALLY struggled with the lack of true memories up until now. Even though I've read about it. Even though I read countless post on here that are similar.....that battle in my head about not accepting it as real because there's just too many things i don't remember. The whole remembering that there was something that happened, but not having a conscious memory of it being very different than the story that i used, and how bad the thing that happened really was.....I just can't seem to make that leap yet. To accept it.
He recently told me that as I begin to stop fighting the denial so much and start allowing myself and my inner child to feel the emotions that I've locked away and forced down for so many decades, the coping mechanisms and energy I've unconsciously used to keep that vault locked won't be necessary anymore. That got me thinking and I was randomly looking up things about how that affects someone: using all of this energy to keep a lock on something you don't even realize you are keeping locked up. And I came across an article that stated there are instances where people don't just block the bad memory, but they actually create a "substitute memory" in it's place. Something that is similar but just way less traumatic to keep as a stored memory. And I wondered......is that what I did? Does that explain why I the story I've told felt real but it was only an unemotional tidbit of the actual truth. The truth for me in my head, but not really the truth. My God I hope this makes sense. I always seem to have a difficult time putting what's in my head into words that make sense.
I guess this is a very very long version of a simple question: Is this a thing that is well known? Can anyone share a similar experience? I guess my hope is that the more I read others say say "Yep, I also did that exact same thing" , the easier and easier the full acceptance of this will happen for me.