Hmmm... How I would describe it. Pretty pain free process. Non invasive or intrusive, and no direct questions relating to trauma. So no prying is in my eyes a good thing. He was hitting a spot in my life that I indicated more trauma than I thought. So we had a differing opinion there. But this is the subconscious mind we are speaking of right, so... I had to think about it, ugh I hate trying to sort it out.
I had to really stop and think and put years together. Try to put them order in my head and make more sense of things in that phase of my life. So this is what I did. As my family is spending the day away today I got in my car and drove in the snow for the first time in my life. My second time to drive since being here. I went some where alone. I cannot recall at all the last time I went solely by myself any where at all. I went out to eat of all things (yes in a corner). Listened to the country music playing and watching old men shoot the shit. I see where all the 70+ yo men are between 2 and 3 in the afternoon now. Very unlike me at all especially since I have felt like a nut for a few days now to boot. But I could not focus at home. I actually felt I had to leave. Total opposite (still working on that reasoning) as my "I must stay in" thought pattern. I had to escape where I normally escape to.
But I sat indulging on a mississippi mud pondering these years. The time line. Because this is where I did not see it. Yes, it started at the time of my parents divorce so I may need to work on that and my emotions behind it. With my therapist of course.
More pondering, I have always "guesstimated" the years of the aspects molestation I recalled, the memory gaps my sister and mom hold keys to but tell me to be grateful I cannot remember and refuse to tell me exactly what happened to me (when I still spoke to them) I guess it is something I still do want to know even if I would like to believe otherwise. But I do know it was when my mom was out prowling and after my dad left and left us with the brother; guess I just did not want to examine it closely enough. I looked as I thought the worst phase as being where the asshole step came in, but that would have also been when she (mom) was no longer on the prowl and at home. That was the difference in where I saw things at the worst and my subconscious saying not so. But looking at it and examining it would seem to also line up at when the sexual abuse was going on. Meaning yeah, he is probably right about that, and I did not examine it close enough off the top of my head to line it up.
So my opinion that I come away with is I still need to work on how I felt during that phase of my life as it effects me now. What things go on now that make me have those same feelings I did back then. Work on that. Fun part, trying to recall all those emotions of way back when 25-30 years ago and compare then to my current emotional state. That is if I gathered this correctly.
So after thought he seemed to nail everything pretty well. Too well. But not a bad thing it certainly makes you sit back and think. A lot of being knocked down but trying to get back up. Another part seems to point that I am still doing too much of the all or nothing - black and white - or as he said it "life or death". Now that is my assumption when he said that. I did not think to ask for a more clear explanation on that but it seemed clear to me as being the black and white thinking.
I think this would prove very helpful. He was accurate about relationships, but he did not know how close to life or death some of those were as the aspects were not discussed about it LOL. He did this with the lack of knowledge on pretty much all the history.
I would say a very good tool. I feel pretty cramped up and a bit ill, but I just went and did a major trigger on compulsion and God only knows why. Maybe Bob would, I don't know. But I did not flip out either? But the come down effects being home will probably be singing soon.
I hope this is what info you needed Anthony. Bob and I did not get personal so there is nothing I am not willing to discuss and you pretty much know all my horrible secrets as it is as they are in my diary in public and I do speak pretty openly about most of it on the forum anyway.
I may copy this to my diary when you have time Anthony to help me sort this when you are up to it. In the mean time pay rent this week and take this to a therapist to get the CBT started back up on this.
