spinningmytires
Confident
After months of isolation with little more than art and music to fill the void -- I'm now wondering why I unintentionally and repeatedly perform a seemingly meaningless mental exercise of drawing imaginary diagonal lines across my bedroom walls. Boredom perhaps. Yet I've been doing this simple mental exercise for years when my mind is at rest.
I'd only recently became consciously aware of doing this simple mental exercise, perhaps several times per day and unintentionally. It only takes a few seconds to perform and so, I'd never given it much thought until now. Would a similar mental activity be commonly found in other people also having a dissociation disorder? I'll try to explain.
My first recall was at age 9 or 10 when I was extremely stressed out during school, due to my reading difficulties and unrecognized aphasia but mostly because of my overly demanding and threatening 4th grade teacher. She must have assumed I was intentionally creating errors during reading class. I wasn't. Yet when I'd error she'd become emotionally enraged, once even ending with her physical assault. My reading errors I couldn't prevent. Yet I had to find away to manage my fear and panic episodes.
So during class I'd stare at the classroom blackboard while imagining that an imaginary diagonal line was being drawn across the board. Beginning at the lower left corner of this blackboard I would imagine seeing a diagonal line slowly being drawn upwards to the upper right corner. (This would take only a few seconds to do) Then I'd imagine seeing the opposite diagonal line being drawn onto the board to create one simple 'x' pattern across the entire board. This imaginary 'x' drawing I could then hold within my memory, as if I were still seeing it on the blackboard. This practice I did often during school.
Perhaps within my mind, I thought, I had found away of merging my imaginary imagery into my visually perceived reality. My teacher was then demanding that I stay focused on my visually perceived environment and yet, I still desired some means of escape. I was then too hyper-vigilant to day-dream ...I wasn't feeling safe enough.
I think my original intention might have been to create a sense of greater control over my perceived reality, as if, I could somehow control the narrative if, only slightly on the blackboard. Once practiced it was 'as if' I had magically found away of merging my inner thoughts into my real world experience.
So why the imaginary diagonal line rather than the vertical or horizontal line -- perhaps because the imaginary drawing of the diagonal line requires a greater mental focus which might then result in this altered state. But then more importantly, the diagonal line remained a constant that evokes no emotion nor memories. If I were to imagine drawing anything other than a diagonal line I might then risk drawing a resemblance or remembrance of something. But then why open that door when my objective is to disconnect.
If I had actually drawn real physical lines on the wall or board that experience wouldn't have helped. But rather it is my thought, alone, of superimposing or merging my own imaginary imagery into my visually perceived reality that seems significant. This is my only guess as to why I've adopted this strange and repetitive mental activity.
Had I been unknowingly training my mind to dissociate, during my extremely stressful encounters in school, at age 9 or 10?
I'd only recently became consciously aware of doing this simple mental exercise, perhaps several times per day and unintentionally. It only takes a few seconds to perform and so, I'd never given it much thought until now. Would a similar mental activity be commonly found in other people also having a dissociation disorder? I'll try to explain.
My first recall was at age 9 or 10 when I was extremely stressed out during school, due to my reading difficulties and unrecognized aphasia but mostly because of my overly demanding and threatening 4th grade teacher. She must have assumed I was intentionally creating errors during reading class. I wasn't. Yet when I'd error she'd become emotionally enraged, once even ending with her physical assault. My reading errors I couldn't prevent. Yet I had to find away to manage my fear and panic episodes.
So during class I'd stare at the classroom blackboard while imagining that an imaginary diagonal line was being drawn across the board. Beginning at the lower left corner of this blackboard I would imagine seeing a diagonal line slowly being drawn upwards to the upper right corner. (This would take only a few seconds to do) Then I'd imagine seeing the opposite diagonal line being drawn onto the board to create one simple 'x' pattern across the entire board. This imaginary 'x' drawing I could then hold within my memory, as if I were still seeing it on the blackboard. This practice I did often during school.
Perhaps within my mind, I thought, I had found away of merging my imaginary imagery into my visually perceived reality. My teacher was then demanding that I stay focused on my visually perceived environment and yet, I still desired some means of escape. I was then too hyper-vigilant to day-dream ...I wasn't feeling safe enough.
I think my original intention might have been to create a sense of greater control over my perceived reality, as if, I could somehow control the narrative if, only slightly on the blackboard. Once practiced it was 'as if' I had magically found away of merging my inner thoughts into my real world experience.
So why the imaginary diagonal line rather than the vertical or horizontal line -- perhaps because the imaginary drawing of the diagonal line requires a greater mental focus which might then result in this altered state. But then more importantly, the diagonal line remained a constant that evokes no emotion nor memories. If I were to imagine drawing anything other than a diagonal line I might then risk drawing a resemblance or remembrance of something. But then why open that door when my objective is to disconnect.
If I had actually drawn real physical lines on the wall or board that experience wouldn't have helped. But rather it is my thought, alone, of superimposing or merging my own imaginary imagery into my visually perceived reality that seems significant. This is my only guess as to why I've adopted this strange and repetitive mental activity.
Had I been unknowingly training my mind to dissociate, during my extremely stressful encounters in school, at age 9 or 10?