I was recently blindsided by sudden dumping by a partner who has been through a lot of trauma in life. She is magnificent, with a beautiful daughter I adored. We grew very close and were open with each other about past experiences. Her trauma included her father being shot by her grandfather some years ago, her ex partner and father of her daughter taking his own life and a subsequent partner cheating on her. She had no reason to be but was insecure about things despite my best efforts to reassure her of my love for her and commitment to her and her daughter. A simple misunderstanding over a few words on a text led her to shutting me out of her life. Tried to explain and was just blocked. Went from 'soul mate' to being wiped from her life within days. I messed up in trying to explain my intentions and the misunderstanding but my contact only made her more hardened. In many ways she is an incredibly strong person but not harsh. I loved her and her daughter so very much. Whilst I did everything I could to try to be supportive and reassure her I probably messed up in not pulling back when she was finding things tough. We had never had an argument. It went from messages of love from her every day to being shut out suddenly.
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Relationship Messed up
- Post starter dcb2410
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EveHarrington
VIP Member
How long were you together?
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- #3
somerandomguy
VIP Member
I'm sorry to say this is not uncommon in folks with untreated PTSD.
I suggest you take a look at this site's Supporter section, where you'll find a lot of stories just like yours.
I suggest you take a look at this site's Supporter section, where you'll find a lot of stories just like yours.
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two weeks before we had been at an event and she posted a pic of her and her daughter on facebook and tagged me in it. I had my facebook set so that I had to accept posts from others before appearing on my own page. I hadn't seen the tag. I had seen her post on her page but didn't realise it hadn't appeared on my page. the next day after a beautiful weekend she sent me a message asking why the post was not on my page thinking I was hiding her from someone. When I tried to explain that I had just not realised it wasn't on my page she got upset and said she couldn't talk. I have been cheated on more than once in my life. Having lived through the pain of that I could never do that to another human being. I was devoted to her and her daughter. I adored them both. She subsequently apologised (she didn't need to) said every man in her life had let her down (other than her father), said she didn't want her and her daughter to be hurt and that she adored me and her daughter had grown very close to me. I reassured her of my commitment to them both. She said it was her insecurities. She has no reason to be insecure. She is gorgeous and absolute pure sunshine. But perhaps I had underestimated that she was still dealing with trauma. My parents and sister all thought she was amazing for what she had been through and that her wonderful qualities shone through in her daughter. Never ever thought life was easy for her. In trying to explain a misunderstanding seem to have driven her away and hardened her to me.
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- #6
ok thanks.
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- #7
Sideways
VIP Member
You didn't mess up!
You didn't sort through all the old posts in your FB newsfeed. That's a perfectly normal (some would even say healthy) thing to happen.
Even if you had seen the post, is it really reasonable that you have to put her posts, that you don't even appear in, on your FB feed? And that you have to do that in order to show you're not cheating? Is that a level of control that your partner should have over you and your FB profile?
Her position is, essentially, "You not putting my post on your FB feed is a relationship-ending error".
Unfortunately, when there are trust issues that run that deep, you can't ever satisfy that person. You'll end up constantly having to try and mind read "what's going to cause her to not trust me?" Things that don't even register as important to you (like old posts in your FB newsfeed) are being used to suggest you're cheating. How can you possibly accommodate that?
Sadly, you can't. And you can't 'love' those trust issues out of her. She has to decide herself that's something she's going to work on. And then do the hard work to get past those issues. You can't do that for her.
You didn't do anything wrong. She has trust issues that, currently, seem to make it unlikely she can have a healthy relationship right now. That sucks, for both of you. But it is what it is.
Possibly the most helpful thing you could do for her right now? Is point out to her that her conclusions about your FB feed are cognitively distorted - that she has identified fidelity issues in something that is actually completely harmless, and that she could get help with carrying around that level of insecurity if she wants to.
You didn't sort through all the old posts in your FB newsfeed. That's a perfectly normal (some would even say healthy) thing to happen.
Even if you had seen the post, is it really reasonable that you have to put her posts, that you don't even appear in, on your FB feed? And that you have to do that in order to show you're not cheating? Is that a level of control that your partner should have over you and your FB profile?
Her position is, essentially, "You not putting my post on your FB feed is a relationship-ending error".
Unfortunately, when there are trust issues that run that deep, you can't ever satisfy that person. You'll end up constantly having to try and mind read "what's going to cause her to not trust me?" Things that don't even register as important to you (like old posts in your FB newsfeed) are being used to suggest you're cheating. How can you possibly accommodate that?
Sadly, you can't. And you can't 'love' those trust issues out of her. She has to decide herself that's something she's going to work on. And then do the hard work to get past those issues. You can't do that for her.
You didn't do anything wrong. She has trust issues that, currently, seem to make it unlikely she can have a healthy relationship right now. That sucks, for both of you. But it is what it is.
Possibly the most helpful thing you could do for her right now? Is point out to her that her conclusions about your FB feed are cognitively distorted - that she has identified fidelity issues in something that is actually completely harmless, and that she could get help with carrying around that level of insecurity if she wants to.
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- #8
She has blocked me completely. That wasn't the final trigger that ended our relationship. It was her daughter's birthday last week. Two weeks before (valentine's day weekend) her daughter was unwell and we didn't get to see each other. I knew she was dealing with a lot of stuff that she needed to attend to... well no less than me, I have a far more time demanding job than she does but that was never an issue. What was the trigger was me saying I hoped that I could spend some time with her daughter on her birthday. My partner was planning a sleepover with friends of her daugher's for her birthday (10th). I made the mistake of responding to a less than thoughtful message from her (in a moment of stress) that I guessed I would always be the third wheel. Had not asked her to change her plans but given her insecurity only days before that I might be seeing someone else, wanted to be a part of her daughter's birthday. Certainly not the best choice of words on my part. But meant from a place of feeling that one week I couldn't do enough to reassure her and then days later was (probably from my own stupidity) feeling excluded from being part of the birthday of the little one I had fallen in love with. Tried to explain my own poor choice of words and that I wanted her daughter to know her birthday was important to me. That was the trigger. I tried to explain in saying that was not trying to be selfish but running the gauntlet of reassurance of their importance to me and being respected for my own feelings - the other side of the coin of her daughter growing close to me was me growing close to her. The beautiful little daughter I never had - have never had kids not of my choice but infidelity of prior partners at a time when had expected that to happen - who I loved as my own.
Whirlwind
Gold Member
Everyone is different but honestly, to me, this sounds pretty intense for only a 5 month relationship.
Take care,
Whirlwind
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- #10
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- #11
somerandomguy
VIP Member
A-ha. Well, if you directed comments like this to your partner, it's absolutely no wonder that she blocked you and doesn't want to see you anymore.
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