Relationship Met Someone With Ptsd, I Do Not Have. Advice On Important Things

[desiderata310]

And there ARE fun things about being alone.

I know. I am a cyclist, a runner, I love to surf... all things done solo usually.

 

[Area57]

Surfing is the best one. what state?

 

[Suzetig]

I dunno, I had a girlfriend for 8 years that had anxiety/OCD really bad, and we really helped each other. Instead of feeding off each others fears, we were mutually supportive and were both better for it. I thought things could be like that.

I guess this is where all mental health issues aren't created equally. The strategies that work for OCD can be a disaster for PTSD sufferers because the source of the disorders are so different, although you might see similarities in how you both behave at times.

For example, to manage OCD you may tell yourself that realistically the world won't end because you don't do X, that it's distorted thinking or that you can substitute X behaviour for Y behaviour that is less intrusive. OCD is an anxiety disorder so you find ways to manage the anxiety be telling yourself the feared consequence won't happen.

The problem with PTSD is that the feared consequence has already happened, so the behaviour is about either avoiding a recurrence or controlling your environment so that the feared consequence can't happen again. Telling yourself it won't happen doesn't work, because it already has and you keep getting triggered back into it like it's happening again. So then you start avoiding the actual event and anything that might trigger you - which can look like OCD, agoraphobia or any one of a hundred different things but isn't any of them, it's PTSD and it needs a different response.

Yes people with PTSD benefit from close, intimate relationships (and sex!) - it just takes time to build a good, healthy relationship with you being able to set healthy boundaries and not getting pulled in to trying to save, rescue or cure your partner.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ok, some good responses. I was only trying to be nice. About the safe thing.

I disagree though, tha...

A forum full of people with PTSD are saying its best to take it slow.

I don't think you'll get any one of us to say that the fast track works well with PTSD. It simply doesn't.

Take your time. Look around. I hate to say it but there are a lot of supporters who come here after a few weeks or so of a fast and furious relationship only to be bewildered when the shit hits the fan. Most post only a few times and then are gone. My best guess is that the relationship ended because other than individual therapy, there really is no other type of support out there for PTSD loved ones-------so I'm kind of doubting that people in over their heads would just bounce from the oily support out there-------that is, if they actually decided to stick it out.

Slowing down is probably the best advice you'll get.

 

[Beautifulmess]

The best thing you can do is take the time to get to know her. Don't jump into taking on responsibilities in her life that aren't appropriate for someone you have only known a couple of weeks (even if she says she wants that from you). Dating is the process of getting to know someone and evaluating if they are a good fit for you. What about this woman makes her a good match for you?

PTSD complicates even the best relationships. If she is the one for you work on healthy communication so that when things are tough you guys can work through it.

Good luck!

 

[So long ago]

Not the world's best title, but it is the best I can think of.

About two weeks I met someone with PTSD....

Ptsd is a personal journey that we suffer thru. Therapy and acknowledging the ptsd affects everyone close to us. Man in my life so long ago was a nam vet who had to have the tv on 24/7. He knew where he was with it on. He also had guns all over the house and carried. For me all I could do was live life with him. Most would say he was dangerous. He was. But he worked hard at being a good man. His friends were combat vets and all had some degree of ptsd. I had his back and did everything to protect him from his flashbacks. But in the end it was his burden to bear and deal with. U have to decide if this is something u can share everyday. Because u will share her pain her terror. That means u have to be strong for u both. My man was a good man. He was strong in his recovery and as a human being. He died many years ago. Still struggling but determined to live a full happy life.But if u can't live in the fire u will hurt her more than help.

 

[Gs172003]

Ptsd is a personal journey that we suffer thru. Therapy and acknowledging the ptsd affects everyone close to us. M...

"If you can't live in the fire you will hurt more than help"

Yep.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

For better or for worse, NOONE is saving it for marriage anymore.

There are very good reasons to wait until marriage. I didn't say this without practical reasons.

First, when you are physically affectionate, not even necessarily sexual, with a woman, her body releases a hormone, the same hormone that is released when women breast feed their babies. This hormone produces feelings of trust in her. It will affect her judgment about you. She'll begin thinking that you are all wonderful and perfect for her before she really knows you. It won't be based upon her judgment, but upon a physical reaction she's not in control of. She could wake up one day wondering what in the world did she do? And see you in a totally different light. If you want her to truly choose you, and to trust you for who you really are, you need to back off and give her the opportunity to judge you without the confusion of hormones that can sway her judgment.

Second, the fact that "NO ONE does this anymore" is a tragedy. It is not a good reason not to do it, either.

Third, consent is not enough. Just because someone says yes, does not mean it's the right thing to do. The right question to ask is, "Do I love her, and does she love me?" If you love her, and she loves you, THEN it is a matter of consent. Otherwise sex is about gratification, about getting what you want. There will be selfishness mixed in with every good thing you think you are doing for her, as well as in every good thing you think she's doing for you.

I'm not saying that all marriages are built upon selflessness. We know that's not the case. Nor am I saying that all marriages have to be traditional. But that's not the point. The point is that there is something valuable to be gained by waiting - a demonstration of something that she most likely has never known: You are willing to deny yourself for her; you are willing to consider her as someone who is special enough to be your only love; her value is equal to your life; and that she can truly learn to trust you, because you are not going to go any where.

I feel somewhat indignant that these things are so little thought of, or considered, when we enter into intimate relationships with people. We treat others as if they are of little value, even when we profess that we're treating them well. And we treat ourselves with the same level of low regard by expecting nothing more for ourselves.

Sex is not about self gratification. It is an expression of love and commitment. It means something very deep. It is a covenant. I believe this is one of the reasons sexual abuse is so bad. Very deep things are being desecrated. And when we treat it as nothing more than pleasure, or as something to do because everyone else is doing it, we really confuse things. Sex is a PRIVILEGE of a marriage relationship. A good marriage relationship is based on selflessness (of both parties). Selflessness is demonstrated in waiting, and in committing your life to another.

This is how you can help your girlfriend. All along the way, these will be new things that you will show her. And these new things will foster healing.

And I will say this about myself as well as about others. When I think about my past relationships this applies to me, too. If we are not able to make these kinds of commitments and to consider our love interest in this way, then I don't think we're mature enough to be entering into an intimate relationship at all, especially one that involves sex.

 

[Suzetig]

Sex is not about self gratification.

Except that sometimes it is, for some people at different times and while it's ok for you to decide for yourself the role or purpose of sex in your relationship, it's far from ok to impose that on others.

Sex may be an expression of deep love and commitment, it might be a fun activity, a physical release, a comfort or any of a hundred different things all of which are fine, even in a relationship with someone with PTSD.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

Yes. We all have the right to choose. Whether they be good decisions or bad decisions, we have the right to choose for ourselves.

We also have a responsibility to choose what is best for others.

 

[Abstract]

I have to say I find the assumption that someone else should make a decision about sex for someone else offensive. And the whole not before marriage thing in this context? I don't get how that would help in any way or why its relevant here. :cautious:Sorry. No offence meant but I had to say it. That is a topic for people in terms of personal beliefs and decisions (and possibly religion and this smacks of that). Zero to do with trauma or PTSD. Not really tempted to break down why it solves nothing on a practical level either.

If someone spoke to me about commitment after 2 weeks I would run a mile.

She has a right to make her decisions even if those decisions are bad for her. If it was me being discussed I would feel furious at some things mentioned here as advice.

Another point is that not everyone who has been sexually assaulted reacts the same way and almost all feel different at different times. That;s if this is even part of her history. And of course as long as there has been no pressure to go down that road as that's a totally different story. Personally its been a no go zone for me for a long time but not everyone is the same. And it has been different for me in the past.

Saying all that and getting back to answering Area:
I agree totally with the others about going slow and that you have more chance to keep this relationship that way. And for all sorts of other reasons. And all the other advice about her sounding highly symptomatic and it likely being a whole roller coaster ride car crash ahead as a result. And the warnings of the pitfalls of trying to save or fix her. Ive heard the analogy of swimming beside rather than ahead or pushing from behind.

It is a very complex condition and can take a lot of time and patience to start to understand what is happening. For us let alone anyone else. I think its great that you are educating yourself and that is probably the best thing you can do. Read and read on here.

I would also see if she is getting professional specialised treatment as that will make it a much better bet than if she isn't.

The one thing I will leave you with is that I think what seems hardest for people on the outside to grasp is the re living aspect of this. What it means is that we re live a previously traumatic event in various ways randomly. It is happening now and isn't a memory. If you break up senses and emotions experienced at the event into their different compartments (see hear, feel etc) then re living can include all, one or any combination of these things from the past. Into the present. That can make it very confusing to understand. Trying to figure out what you need and what is happening in your life and relationships can be extremely difficult as a result. Slow makes that more likely.

Good luck and welcome.

 

[katz]

Ok, some good responses. I was only trying to be nice. About the safe thing.

I disagree though, tha...

FYI--We did.
It really helped us learn to know each other. Then when my past came back to the surface, he was much better learning and understanding how to handle it and the effects that it had on me.