But anything illegal scares me.
Unfortunately that's your tax dollars at work, serving and protecting you from the danger of being able to buy a reliable branded product from a reputable business (heroin was Bayer's brand label for their diamorphine).
I've no first hand experience of them, but some of the younger people speak very highly of the posters of dark web market sites that sprang up when the silk road was taken down. Good pure stuff, good prices, great service and sellers keen to build good reputations
Though not without risk, you don't know that the seller you are dealing with isn't some sort of cop, and there seems to be a pattern of the site operators buggering off with the money held in the escrow account.
Regarding the actual drugs, it looks like MDMA might be the best yet, but there's never been a magic bullet ( I'm personally hugely sceptical about the therapeutic usefulness of pills and potions. Recreational use or therapeutic use are both imo personal choices)
I like really strong chocolate (85%+ cocao) which contains natural amphetamine type stimulants... it's comforting effect is well known, if I really go for it, it gives me irregular heartbeat, and the shits, which isn't so good... that's the sort of strength chocolate that would give dogs seizures if they ate it. That's the closest I get to MDMA.
The stuff that I was reading by Oliver Sacks, last weekend, was really interesting (imo).
He wasn't treating trauma, though it could be argued that his patients weren't far off being traumatised by their experiences of loosing several decades out of the middle of their lives and being housed in a total institution.
He identified three stages with the drugs
An awakening and sense of incredible wellness and energy
A tribulation as some problems returned and realities of life caught up with the person
Then a sort of coming to terms with and resolution
That seems to be broadly the progression that people who go on any drug long term seem to have.
The tribulations seemed to be very personal, people who were already used almost hallucination levels of fantasy, got hallucinations. People who were already prone to anger, got the rages
People who were into reminiscence, got incontinent reminiscences
The people got more of what they already had as personal characteristics and tendencies
Sacks points out that the idea of "side effects" is pure fantasy; drugs have effects,
some effects that you perhaps want and others that you don't want. Some that almost everyone who takes the drug will get, some that fewer people will get.
They're the effects of the drug, the idea that some are somehow "side" is wishful thinking.