Minimising Trauma

[Meadowsweet]

I really struggle with verbalising trauma. But I realised recently that saying the words out loud, or hearing somebody else say them, makes it all seem more personal and real.

When I do try to speak I tend to use minimising words, because it makes it seem less in my mind. Somehow I feel like I've done something wrong if I use a stronger word. I feel like I'm making a fuss.

But then I end up making a fuss about things that are connected to trauma with the strength of feelings I have about the trauma itself. And I get protective over others who might be heading towards similar trauma. And then get upset that nobody understands or cares what the hell I'm on about.

But when I've calmed down, it seems people havn't wanted to listen. And I think, if I had a friend who had episodes like that, I'd want to understand what was going on in their head. So I get upset that no one cares enough to bother.

But I was thinking, maybe other people feel frightened of traumatic events. And perhaps they have the same reaction as me, thinking if they minimise or deny its reality, it won't be real.

I guess I'm trying to understand minimising from other peoples perspective.

 

[712xx]

Most T's I've spoken to ask me how I feel on a scale of 1 to 10. Then if we are going through an aspect of a traumatic event, they ask me how I felt then on that same scale and how I feel about it now.

I really really hate that scale, just because I have a mind that prefers to measure things with real instruments, and find the grain of rational thinking that gets me outside the emotion. So, I guess minimize the feeling by not wanting to even talk about it... don't want to go there. I need to stay on the paved road of rational, and not veer off the path into the scary dark no path forest. It is where I should go (so they say) to face all the ugly. But, I have to drive home at the end of the sesson.

It is a lot like me staring at that "Trauma Diaries" forum wanting to go in and check the place out, but not having the courage. This morning was the first time I clicked to go in, but only managed to read the intro posts by Anthony on how to write one. I got as far as "write bullet points for each trauma" and I was out.

I can handle metaphors much better than using actual real descriptions. I have written a few things on paper, but had to immediately burn it. I minimize the benefits of talking about it because I guess I'm not ready to do it. I am out of denial about the benefits, but still not ready.

Maybe you will stop minimizing your feelings when you are more ready to talk straight about it?

 

[Red Feather]

I would like to understand this in me too and the process of coming to a point of communicating my trauma... not only to others but also to myself. It feels like a black hole right now I can not acess. I really liked the book "Unsayable" by Annie Rogers, which also deals with this subject matter. The book had a way of getting me to want to commnicate to her, the author, because she seemed so able to listen. Through discovering Lacanian analysis, she found a way of listening and making connections through signifiers that allowed the children she worked with not only to verbalize their traumas but also find healing.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I didn't go to my doctor until I was desperate, and had reached a point where I knew I had to get better.

I'm in the UK so therapy is in short supply. So I feel a sort of obliged to make the most of whats offered.

When I came here, I'd been unable to go into details at my initial assessment and I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to do it. But writing in my diary is easier than speaking out loud. So it has worked to ease me into speaking to a therapist.

I'm sure its not going to be easy. It was my use of the word 'sexual incident' and my therapists use of a word 'rape' that set me off this time.

But it has made me realise the effect on myself of using minimising words (I'm also a big fan of metaphors). So, its hard, but things don't stay minimised, they just find a different way of showing themselves.

 

[712xx]

I understand. Different words can help saying those things for the first time ... I'm not an expert on the psychology side, but know very well about the ... well this other side; enough to be frightened for you being pushed too far for the first sessions of verbalizing straight incident events and feelings. It is good to be pushed a little, but don't let anyone cross your boundaries if you are not ready.

I can also related to you wanting to get the most of what is avaliable (the U.S. is also scant on help in poor areas). However, if you are pushed too far, you won't get as much out of it and will likely quit, because you may find the negatives to outweight the benefits. That is what happened with my first few (several) T's and baby t's (interns).

 

[Tinyflame]

It's not much help meadowsweet, but I totally find the same (your first post).

Sometimes even if I have to verbalize something I lose my voice or there are no words.

Maybe that's why 'hugs' help, here's one for you.
(((((((MS))))))

 

[Red Feather]

I prefer to say I am having "bad" thoughts, in order to refer to having ** ideation. But several times this was misunderstood. I guess it must be a layer of shame that is covering up the language.

Sometimes it helps if a secret code is used, or through art or music. I love to sing without words because I am still communicating but still feel that sort of protection from exposure.

 

[wallflower]

I haven't told anyone about my trauma besides my T and my husband (no so much recently as the relationship has been deteriorating). I'm not sure why, but I think that people will not understand and will judge me. This is why I'm glad that I found this forum. It seems to be the only place where people understand me.

 

[windwoman]

I had PTSD for 20 years before I was diagnosed. I would just have a "crash and burn" or I would turn into "Windwoman stone face" (as named by my mom). I stayed very, very busy. I was called supermom or the energizer bunny. I was just trying to stay busy enough that I never had time to think about "the incident".

Most people who have met me since "the incident" have no clue what I've been through. But my world imploded on me 5 years ago when I got "sick" and never got well. I was eventually diagnosed with Fibro. My life, as I knew it, came to a screeching halt.

As time has passed it became evident to me that I had to face down the the looming specter of my past. I chose to do the work. The floodgates opened and memories of things I didn't know I knew came gushing out. (I refer to this as the night my brain threw up on me)

I didn't start writing about the traumas until I found this community. I haven't written much in my trauma diary here, but I will have to start on my second note book soon. There are several reasons why I have not put it on the computer, but the biggest reason is that my son's laptop hates me and more often than not will lose what I write before I can post it (along with acouple of other funky things I won't get into now)

My progress in my therapy has been amazing since I have done this. I truly believe that we cannot "force" our healing, that we will know intuitively(sp?) when the time is right or our body will let us know it's time.

Be kind to yourself and don't let anyone push you into a place that you aren't ready to go (including yourself.) Healing trauma is hard and painful enough, I don't think healing should become one more trauma, IMHO.

 

[mamachick]

I totally relate meadow. Anytime that I have been in therapy and they have talked about my childhood, I am very -matter of fact- and they have tended to focus on it. Im still not convinced that I have childhood trauma, I know I have childhood pain. The adult trauma's feel like they are each a big dark compartment/box that I try to just avoid to get by. I know it doesnt work that way.

Maybe since the childhood was so long ago-I minimize, and maybe I maximize the more recent. Somehow, the more recent adult trauma seems too big to deal with. I think I keep trying to change the world instead of change what is inside of me. Its like trying to move a mountain instead of shoveling a truckload of rock.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I totally relate meadow. Anytime that I have been in therapy and they have talked about my childhood, I am very -matter of fact- and they have tended to focus on it. Im still not convinced that I have childhood trauma, I know I have childhood pain. The adult trauma's feel like they are each a big dark compartment/box that I try to just avoid to get by. I know it doesnt work that way.

I can only relate my own experience here, but because I have repeated traumatic experiences throughout adulthood, my therapist asked about my childhood. She said it would be unusual to keep repeating the pattern if there was no precurser in childhood.

My initial reaction was stubborness, I don't want to bring my family into this. And fear that something big is going to be made out of childhood. I've had false and mixed up memories when in an abusive situation, that I've come to understand as false and mixed up, and I don't want to have that confusion again.

But, I do understand that to have repeated abuse in adulthood indicates that the way I respond to people isn't as it should be. And although theres no trauma in childhood, I'd accept that some harmful thinking patterns and neglect of emotional responses is linked to how I've been taught. So I probably need to do something about that to stop repeating the pattern.

 

[rowean]

Minimizing is such a learned behavior and so tied into my past. Part of what I deal with every time I deal with my family is the fact that I was told over and over that I was such a drama queen. In the comfortable world created by my parents (the King and Queen of denial) family issues stayed within the house, we did not air our dirty laundry. So a black eye was an accident. A dislocated shoulder was a result of horseplay. If someone was hit, obviously someone asked for it so there were two people at fault. Minimizing is an artform and I excelled at it.