Childhood Minimising

[Bristol]

Having a rough night, I'm on my own so my brain is spiralling off down a rabbit hole.
Probably need to give some back story, csa starting when I was 4 years old is the area of my issue tonight.
I think the replies to this will be cognitive distortion but I need to hear it anway. My brain is going round and around that because I can't prove anything happened, how can I be sure it did, how could I prove it did. I have brought this up with my T a million times and she always reassures me that even if you could make it up you couldn't make up the issues that it caused, the ptsd being one, but tonight even that isn't helping me, the voice in my head is still going "how does she know what happened, she wasn't there". My rational mind knows it happened but this weak, vulnerable, needy mind that's I have going at the moment doesn't believe it.
I know that no one here can know what happened, but can anyone reassure me that I'm not going crazy by doubting myself even when I know it all happened?

 

[The Albatross]

Newsflash Bristol... everyone has doubts and is unbelieving or unwilling to accept things at one time or another. How does this link up with your cutting? No connection or what is the connection?

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Bris,
Sorry that you are having a rough night.

It absolutely did happen, there's no way that you would be able to dissociate the way that you can without yucky early trauma
You would also have no Idea of how abusers silence their little victims

Even if part of you doesn't believe, i do believe.
:hug:

 

[Bristol]

Newsflash Bristol... everyone has doubts and is unbelieving or unwilling to accept things at one t...

I think it all just feeds into the crazy feeling, I feel rubbish so I cut, then my brain starts throwing this at me that makes it worse, got nothing to pull me out of it tonight so just have to ride it out I suppose.

Hi Bris,
Sorry that you are having a rough night.

It absolutely did happen, there's no way that you w...

:hug:

 

[Friday]

Here's a thought exercise for you.

I was involved in some things as an adult, that today are perfectly legal & sanctioned (hell, even comes with dental and retirement), but at the time were exceptionally illegal. Consequently there are several years of my life that, outside of the people I was with, cannot be easily -if ever- be proved. Crimes are like that. People go to rather a lot of effort to ensure to the best of their ability they won't be caught.

Does that mean they didn't happen?

the voice in my head is still going "how does she know what happened, she wasn't there".

So during those years, due to the nature of the business I worked in, I had to be vetted an awful lot. How did people know I was real? That I wasn't just bullshitting them, making it up, etc.? They were used to working with people like me. And the same went in reverse. If someone didn't feel right? They usually weren't. Could have just met them, but the read I got on them felt wrong.

Therapy is a lot like that. Good therapists? Are used to working with people like you. They can spot, with a great deal of accuracy, who's who & what's what. You may only know yourself, but your therapist has known hundreds -if not thousands- of people like you. Your therapist doesn't actually have to have been there to get a feel for what the truth is... When she's well acquainted with it.

^^^
As a bit of an aside, that's part of why I've had a hard time finding a good therapist. My trauma history is pretty uncommon in this part of the world (but extremely common in other parts of the world). It took me finally stumbling across a bloke who spends half his time here in the first world working with cops, and half his time in the third world / in countries of conflict working as a trauma therapist for an NGO. And suddenly I found someone who "got" me. Who I could laugh with about "Wrong story! Wrong audience!" (A hilarious anecdote about a mass grave? Not for the PTA meeting :bag: Mass graves are never funny at your kids school :facepalm: ).

It's okay to doubt yourself. Hell. Derealization is a symptom of the disorder, and if the world around us is often under suspicion? Then it follows that everything comes under the microscope sometimes. Also, trust is hard/sucks. But when you do doubt yourself? Try to trust others who've been there. Who can remind you of what's real. Who believe in you, when you don't believe in yourself.

 

[Bristol]

Thanks @Friday, what you said made a lot of sense, it's almost tonight like I just need someone to tell me it happened, like you all have. Your right about a good therapist knowing more of what's happened because of the way I am more than anything, she runs off a massive long list of reasons she believes me based on my behaviours alone, i need to take reasssurance in that it's just like you say it's that feeling that nothing is real.

 

[Freedomfighter]

A crime is a crime, and me as a regular human being do not even need to look at the laws to know what a crime is.

Hence, even if it were not described as a crime in the law book today it still can be a crime. People need to be able to have their own moral compass, regardless of what the law book says.

 

[Twilight]

I understand completely your dilemma. I experienced abuse and the persistent denial about it can make you crazy. Just keep doing the steps necessary for healing, even if no one will validate it for you. Although I would imagine some ARE validating it for you. YOU know it happened and even if everyone else chooses to live in a fantasy that it did not happen, there are some (like your T) who I imagine are validating it for you and your own mind knows the truth. As hard as it may be to NOT get the validation you so desperately need (I imagine from your abusers), just keep focusing on your own healing and loving your self. Your mind will become clearer with healing, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

 

[James McGregor]

Having a rough night, I'm on my own so my brain is spiralling off down a rabbit hole.
Probably need to...

i know how you feel, like a constant need to prove yourself - even to yourself at times, as if everyone will not believe you by default. I often think the same, what if im remembering wrong and my T is just taking me at face value. No idea what to do with it, but i know how you feel