Kathryn Talbert
New Here
Hello all,
Just signed in to this site because I was looking for information on those who experienced misdiagnosis like I have. I want to briefly share my experience so that others have some more insight to draw on. Also I want to say first off that my experience is not meant as a value judgment or comparison of anyone else who posts on this site or suffers in their own way. We all have our battles to fight and we all figure out our own way through them. I have struggled long and hard with a horrible childhood and the resulting trauma, made some very bad decisions that effected my life in some serious ways, mostly marrying a very irresponsible man and with few tools to stand up for myself I followed him all over the country, had three children we weren't prepared to care for, etc. etc. I left him and had to figure out my own way with my children and with little to no help from family (I think many of us wrangle with the decision to cut-off family that is dysfunctional as opposed to getting their help and paying their "ransom" for it, there's no easy answer).
Anyway move up twenty years or so, my kids are grown, they are emotionally healthy I think for what we humans can attain and I worked hard to gain my own sense of self and independence through my own journey of discovery with therapy, etc. In the 90's, when I was in this journey, it was noted that I was having a hard time about every month for about a week or so dealing with anything at all. Suicidal thoughts would rage through my head, a sense of not being able to stand another minute on the earth, a sense of fatality, failure, desperation, loss would scourge through me and interrupt everything. All processes would often come to a halt, I would be jumpy, hard to deal with, prone to anger easily. Then it would go away, but I'd be left to pick up the pieces, apologize to hurt people and/or deal with the assumption from those around me, co-workers and others, that I was temperamental and volatile.
My therapist at the time suggested that on top of everything else (PTSD, etc.) that I might be bi-polar, wouldn't I go to a psychiatric nurse and get a diagnosis? Move forward six months later and I'm seeing a psychiatrist who within two visits that consisted of interviews, I was diagnosed with bi-polar and she said she'd have to medicate me. She pondered three drugs, one of which was lithium which she said can cause weight gain. I begged her to forgo the weight gaining drug as I was only 5'4" and was struggling to keep myself at 130 as I seemed to be gaining ten pounds at my mid-thirties leveling off age. Oh! What I would give today to only have to worry about ten pounds!
First month I started gaining so fast I actually had to purchase maternity clothes. I remember staring at my strangely swollen body and my double chins, my swollen face in a thrift store mirror (on top of it all I was a single mother and had no funds for a whole new wardrobe) and crying my eyes out. Who is this woman in front of me? I no longer could recognize myself. I started to bike ride to try to increase my exercise level but was told by the psychiatrist to stop this silliness; that treating my depression/bi-polar was more important than my trivial worrying about my size.
Six months later I had gained over 75 lbs. I was patronized for being concerned and embarrassed. I was at the time going to college and dropped out because I couldn't stand the patronizing looks, the sympathetic comments from teachers and students ("We're sorry, we hope you get better. Certainly working with your therapist is the best bet." on and on...). What had happened to me? I was respected in school, I was a respected activist and in fact I was getting job offered in my field of interest. But then it all stopped. My phone never rang anymore, people didn't call, I heard from those who did talk to me that there was "concern" about my "mental stability" because they heard things had changed, I was in therapy and obviously on medication. I was crazy. I withdrew completely. For not taking my meds the psych. had me committed to a local mental ward for "non-compliance". Sheepishly I went along with the game, I was messed up, I was the damaged one, how dare I think for myself? As if replicating my old past of abuse and trauma, I no longer trusted myself and retreated into a world where submission to others was paramount and where once again, my own intuition had no value. Listen to others who will tell you who you are and where you belong.
At the hospital the attending psych. told me he saw no evidence in my files or records indicating that I suffered from bi-polar disorder. He put me on Depakote, he said to comply with the doctor's orders, but told me to be vigilant and do my own research. I was released and within six months, under another psychiatrist's care and some more individual therapy I decided to cease all medication completely.
Move up twenty years. After much work with family therapists and behavioralists, my children and I have moved beyond the traumas of the past. They are grown now and for the most part pretty functional happy adults. As for myself, I've moved on as well and have learned over the years how to handle old traumas and not let the past rule my life. I know my triggers and my weaknesses and I have learned over time to love myself and celebrate my abilities. I also learned to trust my intuition, keep away from toxic people and live a simple rewarding life. As my life began to level out, the difficulties of raising children move away and other traumas move out, I began to realize again that every month I had the most gripping attack of depression and anxiety. What was going on?
Then I began to process it. It was PMS. And it was no joke. I could be slammed with an attack of depression or rage that would turn my world upside down in a matter of hours. I could wake up after a wonderful day and wonderful sleep to feeling like everything was crap, the world was my enemy and on and on. What the?? But the resulting changes in my body told me to connect the dots and I did. But, again I had no idea what could stabilize me, so I figured I'd just have to manage on my own and know when these attacks would come, ride through them the best I could and then be glad when it was over. Usually this meant avoiding people and stressful situations (impossible when you have a job), getting substantial rest and just telling myself "this will be over, this is not real"
Move up to about a year ago. I finally found the love of my life and we discussed birth control. I made an appointment at a local clinic (due to poverty and insecure work for years my healthcare hasn't been always the best) and got necessary check-ups and reviews on my health. It was recommended I start on some progesterone. I told the doc about my PMS, she told me I might find the progesterone will allow it to subside.
Subside? Its gone completely! What a revelation to live everyday in the present and not in some fog of self hatred, depression or fatalism! Now, I have my other demons from past trauma that I will always have to deal with, but I can tell with a certainty that knowing once and for all that I'm not "crazy" is a freedom I cannot even articulate.
But I'm now 49, still 60 lbs. overweight and struggling with the results of carrying all this extra weight. I topped out at 225 and have fought hard to lose that weight. I am physically active and actually stronger than most women, I lift weights, swim, hike and have always worked physical jobs where my caloric intake is higher than my food intake. But weight loss is slow and hard. I'm small and I'm a woman over middle age. My metabolism is slow, so its a long process. Also, I now have high blood pressure, my skin is misshapen from being stretched too much and for awhile I was even having signs of per-diabetes.
I blame the lithium and most importantly the all too clinical, impassive and perfunctoral treatment I was given by the psych that diagnosed me. I also blame all the others who came after and were seemingly afraid to offer any critical review of one of their colleagues, even though a patient's health was in the balance. I also lost a career future at that time that I really wanted to pursue, I was unable as well to regain my time to finish college; that opportunity was a short window that I gave up due to the "diagnosis".
So the moral of my story? 1) Trust yourself. If you feel that you are being given short shrift by medical professionals, talk to someone else and keep talking until you get some answers. I was told a few years later when another psych reviewed my old file that there was no evidence of bi-polar disease. "Do you have anything else, any other files?" I said, "No, what you got is what there is." So, again, trust your gut. If a doc is telling you that your needs don't count, find someone who will treat you with respect. Especially with those of us who are prone to believe we don't deserve respect, its easy to let others tell us what we or our opinions or feelings are worth --
2) Bi-polar disorder was the diagnosis of fashion in the 90's, everyone was an expert on the issue. This still irritates me when I listen to armchair diagnosis of people. Also, we're quick to assume meds will cure everything and that a patient questioning their therapy route is unacceptable or a sign of instability (how can you know your feelings if you are 'diagnosed' right?). If lithium works for you, or any other treatment, that's great, but please, don't assume that others who say it doesn't are 'doing it wrong'.
3) Lithium causes weight gain. I was never an over-eater, even though I've had issues with food no doubt (I was nearly anorexic when I was in my twenties) but doctors who say that one should "watch what they eat" or "exercise more" are patronizing. Please! I'm carrying 60 lbs. of extra calorie storage that short of a famine, I'm going to have a long, hard to row to hoe losing it. Now that I'm more free with time and resources, I probably will do something dramatic to lose the weight, like a multi-month long hike, but most of us don't have such a privilege. Please don't assume that because someone is fat, that its all their fault. This is cruel, mean and just wrong. And if it happens to you, don't blame yourself!
4) I would like to sue the docs that "diagnosed" me yes. But I'm sure that's out of the question now. I would like to also point out that just a simple questions about my period history and some tracking of that process through blood testing and observation would have garnered a better profile of me. But that wasn't considered. I think this is unconscionable, especially from healthcare professionals. I will spare you my thoughts on how women are generally treated by the healthcare profession, but just let me say, there's room for improvement.
5) After some research I have learned as well that many doctors tailor their diagnosis to what the patient's insurance will pay for. Many insurance plans don't like mental health diagnosis that aren't clear and concise. Behavioral mod counseling, psychoanalysis and other counseling are not cut and dry and not paid well or at all. While personality disorders and psychiatric illnesses that have clear outcomes (medication modalities) are encouraged because the payment track is easy to understand and categorize. In other words, bi-polar pays, mental health counseling for PTSD or something else doesn't. And with many insurance plans not even considering the correlation of a woman's hormonal make-up to her mental health, I'd imagine considering PMS as a real diagnosis that needs treatment isn't even on the charts.
That's my story. Thanks for reading. I wish everyone the best in their journey to good health and wellness.
Just signed in to this site because I was looking for information on those who experienced misdiagnosis like I have. I want to briefly share my experience so that others have some more insight to draw on. Also I want to say first off that my experience is not meant as a value judgment or comparison of anyone else who posts on this site or suffers in their own way. We all have our battles to fight and we all figure out our own way through them. I have struggled long and hard with a horrible childhood and the resulting trauma, made some very bad decisions that effected my life in some serious ways, mostly marrying a very irresponsible man and with few tools to stand up for myself I followed him all over the country, had three children we weren't prepared to care for, etc. etc. I left him and had to figure out my own way with my children and with little to no help from family (I think many of us wrangle with the decision to cut-off family that is dysfunctional as opposed to getting their help and paying their "ransom" for it, there's no easy answer).
Anyway move up twenty years or so, my kids are grown, they are emotionally healthy I think for what we humans can attain and I worked hard to gain my own sense of self and independence through my own journey of discovery with therapy, etc. In the 90's, when I was in this journey, it was noted that I was having a hard time about every month for about a week or so dealing with anything at all. Suicidal thoughts would rage through my head, a sense of not being able to stand another minute on the earth, a sense of fatality, failure, desperation, loss would scourge through me and interrupt everything. All processes would often come to a halt, I would be jumpy, hard to deal with, prone to anger easily. Then it would go away, but I'd be left to pick up the pieces, apologize to hurt people and/or deal with the assumption from those around me, co-workers and others, that I was temperamental and volatile.
My therapist at the time suggested that on top of everything else (PTSD, etc.) that I might be bi-polar, wouldn't I go to a psychiatric nurse and get a diagnosis? Move forward six months later and I'm seeing a psychiatrist who within two visits that consisted of interviews, I was diagnosed with bi-polar and she said she'd have to medicate me. She pondered three drugs, one of which was lithium which she said can cause weight gain. I begged her to forgo the weight gaining drug as I was only 5'4" and was struggling to keep myself at 130 as I seemed to be gaining ten pounds at my mid-thirties leveling off age. Oh! What I would give today to only have to worry about ten pounds!
First month I started gaining so fast I actually had to purchase maternity clothes. I remember staring at my strangely swollen body and my double chins, my swollen face in a thrift store mirror (on top of it all I was a single mother and had no funds for a whole new wardrobe) and crying my eyes out. Who is this woman in front of me? I no longer could recognize myself. I started to bike ride to try to increase my exercise level but was told by the psychiatrist to stop this silliness; that treating my depression/bi-polar was more important than my trivial worrying about my size.
Six months later I had gained over 75 lbs. I was patronized for being concerned and embarrassed. I was at the time going to college and dropped out because I couldn't stand the patronizing looks, the sympathetic comments from teachers and students ("We're sorry, we hope you get better. Certainly working with your therapist is the best bet." on and on...). What had happened to me? I was respected in school, I was a respected activist and in fact I was getting job offered in my field of interest. But then it all stopped. My phone never rang anymore, people didn't call, I heard from those who did talk to me that there was "concern" about my "mental stability" because they heard things had changed, I was in therapy and obviously on medication. I was crazy. I withdrew completely. For not taking my meds the psych. had me committed to a local mental ward for "non-compliance". Sheepishly I went along with the game, I was messed up, I was the damaged one, how dare I think for myself? As if replicating my old past of abuse and trauma, I no longer trusted myself and retreated into a world where submission to others was paramount and where once again, my own intuition had no value. Listen to others who will tell you who you are and where you belong.
At the hospital the attending psych. told me he saw no evidence in my files or records indicating that I suffered from bi-polar disorder. He put me on Depakote, he said to comply with the doctor's orders, but told me to be vigilant and do my own research. I was released and within six months, under another psychiatrist's care and some more individual therapy I decided to cease all medication completely.
Move up twenty years. After much work with family therapists and behavioralists, my children and I have moved beyond the traumas of the past. They are grown now and for the most part pretty functional happy adults. As for myself, I've moved on as well and have learned over the years how to handle old traumas and not let the past rule my life. I know my triggers and my weaknesses and I have learned over time to love myself and celebrate my abilities. I also learned to trust my intuition, keep away from toxic people and live a simple rewarding life. As my life began to level out, the difficulties of raising children move away and other traumas move out, I began to realize again that every month I had the most gripping attack of depression and anxiety. What was going on?
Then I began to process it. It was PMS. And it was no joke. I could be slammed with an attack of depression or rage that would turn my world upside down in a matter of hours. I could wake up after a wonderful day and wonderful sleep to feeling like everything was crap, the world was my enemy and on and on. What the?? But the resulting changes in my body told me to connect the dots and I did. But, again I had no idea what could stabilize me, so I figured I'd just have to manage on my own and know when these attacks would come, ride through them the best I could and then be glad when it was over. Usually this meant avoiding people and stressful situations (impossible when you have a job), getting substantial rest and just telling myself "this will be over, this is not real"
Move up to about a year ago. I finally found the love of my life and we discussed birth control. I made an appointment at a local clinic (due to poverty and insecure work for years my healthcare hasn't been always the best) and got necessary check-ups and reviews on my health. It was recommended I start on some progesterone. I told the doc about my PMS, she told me I might find the progesterone will allow it to subside.
Subside? Its gone completely! What a revelation to live everyday in the present and not in some fog of self hatred, depression or fatalism! Now, I have my other demons from past trauma that I will always have to deal with, but I can tell with a certainty that knowing once and for all that I'm not "crazy" is a freedom I cannot even articulate.
But I'm now 49, still 60 lbs. overweight and struggling with the results of carrying all this extra weight. I topped out at 225 and have fought hard to lose that weight. I am physically active and actually stronger than most women, I lift weights, swim, hike and have always worked physical jobs where my caloric intake is higher than my food intake. But weight loss is slow and hard. I'm small and I'm a woman over middle age. My metabolism is slow, so its a long process. Also, I now have high blood pressure, my skin is misshapen from being stretched too much and for awhile I was even having signs of per-diabetes.
I blame the lithium and most importantly the all too clinical, impassive and perfunctoral treatment I was given by the psych that diagnosed me. I also blame all the others who came after and were seemingly afraid to offer any critical review of one of their colleagues, even though a patient's health was in the balance. I also lost a career future at that time that I really wanted to pursue, I was unable as well to regain my time to finish college; that opportunity was a short window that I gave up due to the "diagnosis".
So the moral of my story? 1) Trust yourself. If you feel that you are being given short shrift by medical professionals, talk to someone else and keep talking until you get some answers. I was told a few years later when another psych reviewed my old file that there was no evidence of bi-polar disease. "Do you have anything else, any other files?" I said, "No, what you got is what there is." So, again, trust your gut. If a doc is telling you that your needs don't count, find someone who will treat you with respect. Especially with those of us who are prone to believe we don't deserve respect, its easy to let others tell us what we or our opinions or feelings are worth --
2) Bi-polar disorder was the diagnosis of fashion in the 90's, everyone was an expert on the issue. This still irritates me when I listen to armchair diagnosis of people. Also, we're quick to assume meds will cure everything and that a patient questioning their therapy route is unacceptable or a sign of instability (how can you know your feelings if you are 'diagnosed' right?). If lithium works for you, or any other treatment, that's great, but please, don't assume that others who say it doesn't are 'doing it wrong'.
3) Lithium causes weight gain. I was never an over-eater, even though I've had issues with food no doubt (I was nearly anorexic when I was in my twenties) but doctors who say that one should "watch what they eat" or "exercise more" are patronizing. Please! I'm carrying 60 lbs. of extra calorie storage that short of a famine, I'm going to have a long, hard to row to hoe losing it. Now that I'm more free with time and resources, I probably will do something dramatic to lose the weight, like a multi-month long hike, but most of us don't have such a privilege. Please don't assume that because someone is fat, that its all their fault. This is cruel, mean and just wrong. And if it happens to you, don't blame yourself!
4) I would like to sue the docs that "diagnosed" me yes. But I'm sure that's out of the question now. I would like to also point out that just a simple questions about my period history and some tracking of that process through blood testing and observation would have garnered a better profile of me. But that wasn't considered. I think this is unconscionable, especially from healthcare professionals. I will spare you my thoughts on how women are generally treated by the healthcare profession, but just let me say, there's room for improvement.
5) After some research I have learned as well that many doctors tailor their diagnosis to what the patient's insurance will pay for. Many insurance plans don't like mental health diagnosis that aren't clear and concise. Behavioral mod counseling, psychoanalysis and other counseling are not cut and dry and not paid well or at all. While personality disorders and psychiatric illnesses that have clear outcomes (medication modalities) are encouraged because the payment track is easy to understand and categorize. In other words, bi-polar pays, mental health counseling for PTSD or something else doesn't. And with many insurance plans not even considering the correlation of a woman's hormonal make-up to her mental health, I'd imagine considering PMS as a real diagnosis that needs treatment isn't even on the charts.
That's my story. Thanks for reading. I wish everyone the best in their journey to good health and wellness.
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