Missing My Old Self

[Casey_03]

I have been missing my old self lately and wondering what the hell happened. I have delayed onset PTSD. All throughout my teen years, I was the one everyone called for help. And I was so good at being the hero! I drove 20 hours across the country to pull a schoolmate out of a drug den, bullied the bullies who were taunting a kid with Down's Syndrome, even worked as a private investigator for a while and tailed some seriously dangerous criminals (not just cheating spouses). I was so ridiculously strong and brave. My phone would ring off the hook with people calling asking me to save them, and I always did. My friends always assumed I'd become a detective or something of that sort, because I had a knack for defusing out-of-control situations. I miss that side of me. I get angry when I realize that it is precisely that side of me that caused me PTSD (at least, from what I know), because I jumped into a knife fight, literally, to save someone else's life. I am also confused if it's that incident that caused PTSD or not. Maybe you all can help me by providing an objective assessment? I always assumed it was the attempted murder/hours of torture that gave me PTSD, but I am also 99% certain I was molested at the age of 6. I say 99 because I still only remember bits and pieces, and my mother always denied that I had ever been abused. Maybe the "old me" was really just a product of complex PTSD? If so, then it was a damn good product. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I know it doesn't matter where the PTSD came from, but if the "old me" was really just a symptom ... then that changes things.

 

[garden]

I miss the old me too. She was fearless despite having been raised in fear.

Our 'old' selves are still a part of us I think. We have these symptoms that require us to learn new skills in order to continue in a productive way, we lose our structure and then have to rebuild it, we rebuild it while we are struggling to deal with the set backs, and we mourn our 'old' stronger, faster, smarter selves...but that 'old' self is there still, just obscured and overwhelmed by the symptoms. When I am more stable minded, I know that I am still the person I was, I'm just evolving with what life has dealt me. When I'm in the midst of a surge of ptsd symptoms my thoughts are not as kind to me.

I think that's what I'm experiencing so far...

 

[shimmerz]

Did you ever think that that 6 year old is the one who was responsible for all of your 'saviour' behaviour afterwards? I miss my old self too in many ways. She was the one that everyone looked at and said 'wow, don't know how you do this, you are so awesome'. Great for feeding the ego, great helping others, but now, this new me, is figuring out how to do for me what I did for everyone else in the past. It sounds to me like you have been rekindled, but I would enlist a T to dig in and see what the root of your PTSD is.

 

[Friday]

You know... In preschool we pegged that my son would either be a cop or a journalist when he grew up as they're different sides of the same coin; making sure people do what's right. Looks like you've got the same coin in your spirit, too. :)

Myself, I grew up with a structural disorder. I was just talking the other day about how that's affected my PTSD treatment; because I never thought who I'd become was any different than who I always was. The name of the game with ADHD is adaptation, coping mechanisms, taking what you've got & working with it. Maximize the strengths, and minimize the weaknesses. So I never got PTSD treatment the first time around. I just f*cked with things as they came up and made some elbow room for myself. It was as big a shock to me that PTSD symptoms (well, first of were PTSD symptoms but also that) they're so flexible. They go away. My other stuff is here for good. This stuff? Can be dealt with.

I still am who I always was. I've just got shit to deal with, from time to time. And you can never walk in the same river, twice. We're always learning, growing, changing.

The parts of you that you like? Regardless of where they came from... You get to keep those. Period. You've just got shit to sort out from time to time. Working on ditching the things you don't like. <grin> Even better than adapting. Keep what you like & ditch the rest. Easier said than done, but doable.

 

[Changing4Best]

My old me was timid, cowed and unable to defend herself. That all changed, when suddenly, even though I was the taunted and bullied one, I stood up for myself once and beat the living daylights out of a kid who was taunting me. Since then I have been more confident and willing to fight for my rights. I got fed up, is all, I guess. That was some 45 -50 yrs ago.

I'm an old lady now, gray hair and aging. I no longer need to fight to stop the bullies, they are long gone into my past. I face things better these days, I suppose. Life is very different now for me than it was back then.

I was PTSD from a young age, but I got into an abusive relationship for awhile about a dozen years ago now. I finally ran away from that, as I was unable to fight it off nor defend myself. That situation is some 600 miles behind me now.

So I have 2 separate instances that contributed to my PTSD, an abused childhood and an abusive relationship some 30 yrs later on. Both contributed to the PTSD in my opinion, though really it does not matter which one contributed the worst or the most to it.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I don't wish to be my old self again, it would be awful... The me from just 4 years ago, when in midst of all bullying... It makes no sense... Why didn't I stand up for myself, why did I just let myself be beaten, why did I let myself go through all of that... None of it makes sense to me.

I changed since then, I learned to protect myself, just on time to save my own life... Now I'm messed up, but at least I can protect myself, at least I can get rid of someone who attacks me with a saw, knife, axe, whatever has happened up to now, I won't be that scared, terrified, fat, 3rd grade kid that doesn't do anything except tremble as the guy just stands there, spitting at me and threathening me with the knife. I won't, NEVER AGAIN.

Well, oh shit. Stopping writing here.

 

[debi1956]

Missing old self- Yesterday my psych said something that I'd not heard before in decades of therapy. He said "hug yourself even though you are a cactus, the spines are part of you"/ Been thinking about that and at first I thought, yeah right... Now I'm thinking, Yeah it is true. What is done is done and part of me, I can't just love or hate the spiney or the good. It is all part of a one self. Hmmmm.

 

[garden]

This:

I can't just love or hate the spiney or the good. It is all part of a one self.

When I began to integrate these parts (spiney or good), or at least mentally integrate them, is when I began to struggle less. Since I see myself as whole again, with ptsd, I see, feel, am new. So seeing myself whole and with ptsd is like getting to know myself again, with added traits. I'm still me, it's just that there is more to me now. I am not less because I'm different than I was before.

I struggle, don't get me wrong, but these ideas and this way of thinking helps me tremendously when I'm grounded enough to hold onto them.

 

[SabrinaB]

I know it doesn't matter where the PTSD came from, but if the "old me" was really just a symptom ... then that changes things.

Aren't our personalities and ways of relating to the world essentially symptoms of life? I had PTSD starting around age 4-5 and then somehow blocked it from my mind until 2 years ago. Part of the reason I think is because I thought I was my PTSD and hated the weak girl that represented.

My "new" persona evolved into a strong, smart career woman dedicated to helping others. Recently I was mourning the loss of that person and the abilities she possessed (now can barely mange to leave the house) when my therapist subtly challenged my perspective. She pointed out that it took strength to stay in a waiting room despite an overwhelming urge to run out and to commit to the hard work of recovery.

Took me awhile to agree with her point, but now I see how our frame of reference limits our perspective.

It's my firm belief that our core selves are pure, good and stable over time. The problem is they get covered up and hard to find. Our knowledge, skills and abilities evolve as adaptions to life and thus are ultimately transient and should not be confused with who we are.

Lastly, in response to your question about your PTSD cause, sometimes there isn't a sole or distinct proximate trauma, thus the "complex trauma" descriptor. Cumulative stress reaches a tipping point where it overwhelms the body's adaptive abilities. Additionally, those of us in caregiver or protector roles can become vulnerable if develop the habit of compartmentalizing our emotions and reactions to ugly situations without eventually processing them.