greentea21
New Here
Apologies for this long post. Before writing this, I had an idea of what I wanted to talk about. However as I continued writing, I kind of lost track, and started writing freely. Here’s a summary of the content.
I’d like to know if there are others out there who share or experienced similar situation.
Summary:
- Became more distant as I grew older
- I avoid social settings but feel jealousy over people who socialze easilly. Most especially my younger brother since I see him everyday
- I always refuse an invitation to go out, and at the same time I get jealous when I'm stuck in my room doing nothing, while others are out
- At home, feeling the pressure to go socialize and to find a career
- I don't want a career, I want to get better
- I feel my home is poison to me. I feel the need to find a better environment that can help me.
- At the same time, I feel chained down to my family.
This has always bugged me since highschool. I was always the quiet and reserved type of guy.
I couldn't connect with people, despite having a group of friends to hang around with. As I grew older, I grew more distant. I couldn’t really understand it. I had a girlfriend back then, and always attributed my distant nature because I wanted to be there for the GF (it was a long distance relationship). The more I distanced myself, the more jealous I felt towards people who socialized so easily. My younger brother especially. He's a very outgoing and active person. Eventually he entered into my group of friends, and started hanging out with them more than I did. This only made things worse for me, as I became angrier and more jealous. Then highschool ended, with me still distant, jealous, and angry. I then flew to Australia for tertiary education, and to be with the GF.
Eight years later, now single and back home permanently, to do absolutely nothing and find a way to make myself better. However the old feelings are creeping back. My younger brother is still the same; outgoing and active. It's a little different now, since we're older and we feel the urge to find a way to make steady income. To be honest, I never cared much about money. I worked in Australia for three years, and have enough money to support myself for a year or so back home. So I don't really have that drive or motivation to try make money. I just want to get better and be able to function normally.
I left Australia for home, because I thought maybe being with the family will help me become more normal. Three months in, and I feel like its worse. My brother has just started a business venture with a lot of passion and direction. I'd be a hypocrite to say that I'm happy for him, because inside I feel jealousy. Inside I wish that something will go wrong. It makes me feel even worse because my dad keeps comparing me to my brother. He keeps telling me to go find a way to make money.
With my brother’s venture starting up, he has contacted many people, including some of my old friends. This has made me even more jealous and angry whenever I hear that my brother is going to meet up with my old friends. My brother occasionally asks me to join him, but I always decline the invitation. Not only do I personally feel uncomfortable outside, I feel anger towards my brother.
The worse part of it all, this anger and jealousy; they're all kept bottled inside of me. Nobody knows about this anger, jealousy and frustration. It seems that my environment is magnifying these feelings too. I feel so much better alone and locked up in my room. Sometimes I think of flying away somewhere.
The sad part of this too is, despite how much I want to fly away, I also feel like I'm chained to the family. I feel like I can't do anything. I can't quite explain it. It feels like I can't be independent. Sometimes I think when my parents die, I'll be liberated and then will I be able to do whatever I want to. I don't know, it’s all too confusing.
I’d like to know if there are others out there who share or experienced similar situation.
Summary:
- Became more distant as I grew older
- I avoid social settings but feel jealousy over people who socialze easilly. Most especially my younger brother since I see him everyday
- I always refuse an invitation to go out, and at the same time I get jealous when I'm stuck in my room doing nothing, while others are out
- At home, feeling the pressure to go socialize and to find a career
- I don't want a career, I want to get better
- I feel my home is poison to me. I feel the need to find a better environment that can help me.
- At the same time, I feel chained down to my family.
This has always bugged me since highschool. I was always the quiet and reserved type of guy.
I couldn't connect with people, despite having a group of friends to hang around with. As I grew older, I grew more distant. I couldn’t really understand it. I had a girlfriend back then, and always attributed my distant nature because I wanted to be there for the GF (it was a long distance relationship). The more I distanced myself, the more jealous I felt towards people who socialized so easily. My younger brother especially. He's a very outgoing and active person. Eventually he entered into my group of friends, and started hanging out with them more than I did. This only made things worse for me, as I became angrier and more jealous. Then highschool ended, with me still distant, jealous, and angry. I then flew to Australia for tertiary education, and to be with the GF.
Eight years later, now single and back home permanently, to do absolutely nothing and find a way to make myself better. However the old feelings are creeping back. My younger brother is still the same; outgoing and active. It's a little different now, since we're older and we feel the urge to find a way to make steady income. To be honest, I never cared much about money. I worked in Australia for three years, and have enough money to support myself for a year or so back home. So I don't really have that drive or motivation to try make money. I just want to get better and be able to function normally.
I left Australia for home, because I thought maybe being with the family will help me become more normal. Three months in, and I feel like its worse. My brother has just started a business venture with a lot of passion and direction. I'd be a hypocrite to say that I'm happy for him, because inside I feel jealousy. Inside I wish that something will go wrong. It makes me feel even worse because my dad keeps comparing me to my brother. He keeps telling me to go find a way to make money.
With my brother’s venture starting up, he has contacted many people, including some of my old friends. This has made me even more jealous and angry whenever I hear that my brother is going to meet up with my old friends. My brother occasionally asks me to join him, but I always decline the invitation. Not only do I personally feel uncomfortable outside, I feel anger towards my brother.
The worse part of it all, this anger and jealousy; they're all kept bottled inside of me. Nobody knows about this anger, jealousy and frustration. It seems that my environment is magnifying these feelings too. I feel so much better alone and locked up in my room. Sometimes I think of flying away somewhere.
The sad part of this too is, despite how much I want to fly away, I also feel like I'm chained to the family. I feel like I can't do anything. I can't quite explain it. It feels like I can't be independent. Sometimes I think when my parents die, I'll be liberated and then will I be able to do whatever I want to. I don't know, it’s all too confusing.
