Childhood Mixed feeling since session

[LucyLou]

I been feeling a bit of a mix since the last session I had (we spoke about the ab*se when I was younger) Coming out of it, I kind of felt ok, like I had taken a step in the right direction but then I just started feeling like I shouldn't of said anything, I was wrong or that my therapist didn't believe me and I know all this is on me. Even she's said that she thinks no matter how many times she says she believes me, I probably won't take that in I've been thinking on bits of it....but the bits that make me feel worse, that I don't even want to tell my therapist. Like how one of them would come in, in early hours then after he'd done what he wanted, he'd leave £1 on my pillow and I'd keep it. It just makes me feel horrible. I don't know why I kept it. I mean, how does that even make me look?! Like, I didn't want any of it but I let them and took their money really....how does that make me look?

 

[Rose White]

Makes you look like yet another sexually and psychologically abused person grappling with what happened, struggling to reclaim her dignity—which makes you very brave, to face it.

 

[Calmdown]

These feelings are normal in your situation. It is important that you have compassion for yourself, you can learn that. You were in an unsafe situation and survival can also mean to play along, it was no conscious decision.
It is your choice how much and when you will tell something in therapy. You can also work on empathy and understanding for yourself in therapy.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Realistically, what else were you supposed to do? You were in a very fearful and horrible situation… and a child. You didn’t really “let” anything happen, as if it was your fault. Survival.
Shame is such a strange thing. It can latch onto the least important parts of anything, but make it feel like the whole world.
I doubt throwing the coin out of the window would have felt safe or much better at the time.

The only thing I feel disgust at reading this is how they were seemingly trying to pay away what they were doing… that’s the horrible part. It only makes you look like someone who was in an awful situation. I know it’s hard to steer away from how it feels now, but I think that’s natural, you can get through it, maybe with some help.

Therapy is about consent, you don’t have to tell them anything before it feels tellable. But they won’t see it under the lense that you do, which is often cruel to the self, no fault of your own.

 

[Rose White]

The only thing I feel disgust at reading this is how they were seemingly trying to pay away what they were doing… that’s the horrible part.

This!

 

[Friday]

Like, I didn't want any of it but I let them and took their money really....how does that make me look?

Like, f*ck THEM. Should you have crawled on your knees and begged them to take it back? I mean, seriously, as a kid? What choice did you have? You DID have a choice. Keep it, or return it. No, no, you loved it so much that you should not only seek them out but return anything they left behind??? Pfft.

As an adult, that you might want to throw it in their face, refuse to touch it, or melt it down and drip the molten metal into their eyes? Means you’ve grown up. That you feel badly for not acting like a grown up when you were a child? Means you were abused.

 

[Charbella]

he'd leave £1 on my pillow and I'd keep it. It just makes me feel horrible. I don't know why I kept it. I mean, how does that even make me look?! Like, I didn't want any of it but I let them and took their money really....how does that make me look?

Mine almost always gave me a $20. Sometimes he’d do more like he gave me $100 a few times when my family was going on vacation and he once gave me all of his change in his car which was like $40.

I question a lot how it makes me look. I loathe that he did it because it makes me feel like I got paid like a prostitute so I have no business complaining about the outcome.

I do not hold that view of sex workers, I feel horrible they’re in that position and I know statistically someone or something is pulling the strings, it really isn’t a choice they’d make otherwise and yet I give myself none of that grace.

He made you complicit just as mine did but the things we both need to remember is that we made the choice of a NORMAL child in an abnormal situation.

 

[Calmdown]

In my first comment I thought I better hold back but that feels wrong now. When I read about how someone gives money to a child to twist and manipulate it even more it makes me so furious. As an adult you hear about a person like that and know it is a true piece of shit, a weak pathetic mind. I have the fullest empathy for a child in that situation and the thought of doing something wrong is something he should have felt and not the child, this was an attempt from him to make you feel guilty for what he did.