Mixed Feelings

[Brooke1025]

Im beginning to have very mixed feelings about my relationship. It seems like it's becoming no longer enjoyable or happy. My boyfriend no longer seems interested in me. I'm trying to make an effort into opening up to him so he feels he can with me and he tells me he wants me to talk to him when something is wrong but every time I do he takes it super personal and starts trying to put me down basically for opening up to him. He never wants to leave the house unless one of his friends invites him somewhere, he's not very supportive of me, and he lies frequently. I'm just not sure whether this is what's right for me anymore. I do everything I possibly can to make his life easier because of what he's gone through and with him having ptsd but it seems like he can't ever be there for me when I need him. Is this how it is being with someone with PTSD or does my boyfriend just not really care about me?

 

[Friday]

Is this how it is being with someone with PTSD or does my boyfriend just not really care about me?

Neither.

Some people with PTSD lie. Some don't.
Some people with PTSD put other people down. Some don't.
Some people with PTSD are a 1 way street. Others are hugely supportive.
Some people with PTSD only go out with friends. Some don't go out at all. Some go out all the time.

The question to my frame of mind here isn't whether or not he cares about you, or whether or not it's PTSD or assholery, but whether or not you want to be with someone who lies to you, puts you down, doesn't support you, and doesn't go out with you.

 

[Seasounds]

is this how it is being with someone with PTSD or does my boyfriend just really not care about me?

In terms of caring about you, from my experience, most likely, I believe that he cares about you. And due to his PTSD, and lack of relational skills, he is unable to be closer to you.

Unless a person with PTSD diligently works on their trauma issues, they tend to isolate. And as a couple gets close enough, all of their old pain gets transferred to the mate they love.

My old boy friend lied, not due to PTSD (lying is not a part of the PTSD diagnosis), but due to fear of telling the truth; basically he was afraid of self-revealing and afraid of my responses.

Regarding his actions, your mates behaviors are about him. Having been in a situation like yours, I found it helpful to stop trying to change my partner, and even stop hoping they would get better. Also, not escalating and speaking-using nonviolent communication, helped. But still, my old boyfriend took things personally-a sign of being depressed. Your partner may not even be aware of his behaviors, moods, etc.

These questions came up for me:
-Do I want to stay or leave?
-To stay or leave, what support could I benefit from?
-Do I want to calmly communicate that I will stop initiating activities?
-What plan do I need?

12 step groups offer great support. I used Alanon, since my old boyfriend and parents were alcoholics. Trauma is understood in these groups. And it is a terrific place to find that people like and care about you. It was a place I could heal myself (even though at first I didn't think I needed healing), and it gave me the tools to create the life I wanted.

Those groups and this forum can be a place to help yourself esteem thrive.

:hug:

 

[Brooke1025]

Neither.

Some people with PTSD lie. Some don't.
Some people with PTSD put other people down. Some...

You're right.

 

[Brooke1025]

In terms of caring about you, from my experience, most likely, I believe that he cares about you....

I just feel lost as to what outcome has the least amount of harm. Leaving the relationship will obviously hurt him and make him worse and he's told me in the past he doesn't know if he could go through another heartbreak which really worries me but at the same time I'm feeling drained and unhappy. I feel so selfish even thinking about breaking up but at the same time I know I need to keep in mind my mental state as well.

 

[EveHarrington]

Does it matter why he can't support you or meet your needs? I mean if it's PTSD would you deal with it for life but if he's just a jerk you'd walk away?

 

[Seasounds]

To separate while doing the least harm, once I had a plan, using non-violent communication (e.g. "I need a change", "I will be moving on this date" ..etc.) I let him know I would be leaving. There came a time when I needed to save myself.

If there had been violence involved, I would leave, without notice. Every circumstance is different.

It is a challenge. You can survive and thrive.

 

[Brooke1025]

Does it matter why he can't support you or meet your needs? I mean if it's PTSD would you deal wi...

Yes because one he can't help but the other he can.

 

[EveHarrington]

I personally don't understand sacrificing ones own needs------I'm not trying to be harsh, but everyone has needs and when a partner cannot meet those needs, resentment tends to grow. (I'm talking about needs, not wants.)