Patience112
New Here
Hi I'm new here and just wanted to share my experiences, and introduce myself.
I was very confused as a kid never having relationships with girls, always being hit on by boys, everyone thought I was gay because I had long hair and even with short hair it was the same, they took my kindness and easy going personality as feminism, I was always bullied picked on and treated like a piece of trash since day one, a lot of this has to do with my size I have always been tall and 120 pounds, plus the cloths I choose to wear at the time didn't help. As a young kid I was always fighting and as I got older realized that fighting solves nothing so I let people bully me. I never really knew any of my family, half brothers sisters what have you the only relationships I ever had were with my dad, his family, and random people.
When I was in my mothers stomach I was beat, when I was born I was beat, I had to watch my mother be beaten as well by random people. I protected my little brother till one day a random man "his father" beat my mom and took him away to this day nobody knows where he is. My mother had huntingtons disease and had no control over her emotions or her sexual acts, she dated many men and did not care about any of the good ones that were right in front of her, she had multiple kids all different fathers, she was never really around much and I don't remember much about her except that she was beat I wish I spent more time with her, she just recently passed away from the disease hepC and hiv, my dad one of the good ones fought for custody of me for years and finally at the age of 6 he got that custody, he only dated my mom for 3 months and had sex with her once that is how I was conceived.
My dad always said that I reminded him of her and got very angry easily but he never put his hands on me just got angry and left me alone. My dad never really helped me much, all we did was move from house to house and the only bonding time we ever had was computer gaming and boy scouts, at the age of 7 I met a man who showed me love like a mother and father, he helped my dad and I through rough times where we were going to be homeless and nobody wanted to help, I got very distant from my dad from this moment on I always felt that this man I met was my real father which I now understand is not.
As time went on I spent lots of time at this persons house he sexually abused me and told me if I ever told anyone it would be very bad, and at the time I was confused and looking for any kind of love be it sexual or not, so I didn't say anything I thought this was normal, I moved away from my abuser but still kept in contact and my dad let me visit. At the age of 16 I was getting into really bad things, I learned from random people and my sister about my mom because we moved into the the town where we were born and raised, I never really knew my sister until this time, because of this I stole pills from my grandmother.
My dad and I were living with them at the time and she told me to leave, I felt her anger and I told my dad to drop me out of school and I'm leaving to live with his friend which is the man who sexually abused me, he did not know this at the time or he did and repressed it, he was told by many parents that this man was a child molester, but he did not heed the warnings nor did he ever ask him about anything thinking that the man would never put his hands on his child, so he let me stay with him and for years I was abused.
I started becoming a recluse always inside never hanging out with friends, never wanting to be outside because I thought that nobody cared, or could see right through the lies and who I have become, I never said anything till now and I'm 22 and just recently got away from my abuser. He tried to kill himself because of this which I think was just to get my attention, I had to pull the gun out of his hands, he did not want me leaving he used any way to get to me, knowing I'm a nice person and never wanted anything bad to come of this, he told my dad and me very weird things and told allot of lies, I'm just now coming to terms with things and never wanting to live a lie again I couldn't do it anymore so I started speaking out and trying to get help because if I kept going down this road I would surely end up dead from stress or worse me killing myself.
I am now living with my dad again and told him everything I have spoken to many people but I still feel the need to speak out I really need a to get professional help I know and will be trying to. July third I will be tested for huntingtons disease which I think is the cause for all of this, since day one I thought something was wrong with me even before I knew about it. I want to correct things and live a normal life without fear or regrets, I never knew what I was doing till now! I hope this inspires anyone else to reach out for help, I hope one day to have a normal relationship with a girl of my dreams and to fill that emptiness of never having a mother, everything takes time and you have to love yourself before this can happen or so I'm told, but then why are people dating those who they don't really love or feel that they can help them, is everyone living in a fantasy world especially younger kids who don't know what love is to begin with, it is mutual experience and you should be helping each other no matter what the problems are be it sickness or mental health, at least that is what I think. Every girl I talk to about these things runs and hides, I thought it was about trust and knowing the person I don't want sex I just want to hold her hand and know that they will be there and I will be there for them!
To this day I have a hatred towards men I don't listen to them very well only the ones I have known and even then I cant trust them, I fear them and wish I wasn't a man myself, its hard looking in the mirror or trying to talk to girls because I think I will do the same which I know I wont because I'm the kindest guy anyone has met everyone tells me this, and I know who I am!I love helping others and always help others, I have been thanked for helping friends to this day, but never once have I tried to help myself till now!
Sorry if this is confusing, it's very confusing even to me. Hopefully this wasn't a bad decision and I didn't post anything wrong.
I was very confused as a kid never having relationships with girls, always being hit on by boys, everyone thought I was gay because I had long hair and even with short hair it was the same, they took my kindness and easy going personality as feminism, I was always bullied picked on and treated like a piece of trash since day one, a lot of this has to do with my size I have always been tall and 120 pounds, plus the cloths I choose to wear at the time didn't help. As a young kid I was always fighting and as I got older realized that fighting solves nothing so I let people bully me. I never really knew any of my family, half brothers sisters what have you the only relationships I ever had were with my dad, his family, and random people.
When I was in my mothers stomach I was beat, when I was born I was beat, I had to watch my mother be beaten as well by random people. I protected my little brother till one day a random man "his father" beat my mom and took him away to this day nobody knows where he is. My mother had huntingtons disease and had no control over her emotions or her sexual acts, she dated many men and did not care about any of the good ones that were right in front of her, she had multiple kids all different fathers, she was never really around much and I don't remember much about her except that she was beat I wish I spent more time with her, she just recently passed away from the disease hepC and hiv, my dad one of the good ones fought for custody of me for years and finally at the age of 6 he got that custody, he only dated my mom for 3 months and had sex with her once that is how I was conceived.
My dad always said that I reminded him of her and got very angry easily but he never put his hands on me just got angry and left me alone. My dad never really helped me much, all we did was move from house to house and the only bonding time we ever had was computer gaming and boy scouts, at the age of 7 I met a man who showed me love like a mother and father, he helped my dad and I through rough times where we were going to be homeless and nobody wanted to help, I got very distant from my dad from this moment on I always felt that this man I met was my real father which I now understand is not.
As time went on I spent lots of time at this persons house he sexually abused me and told me if I ever told anyone it would be very bad, and at the time I was confused and looking for any kind of love be it sexual or not, so I didn't say anything I thought this was normal, I moved away from my abuser but still kept in contact and my dad let me visit. At the age of 16 I was getting into really bad things, I learned from random people and my sister about my mom because we moved into the the town where we were born and raised, I never really knew my sister until this time, because of this I stole pills from my grandmother.
My dad and I were living with them at the time and she told me to leave, I felt her anger and I told my dad to drop me out of school and I'm leaving to live with his friend which is the man who sexually abused me, he did not know this at the time or he did and repressed it, he was told by many parents that this man was a child molester, but he did not heed the warnings nor did he ever ask him about anything thinking that the man would never put his hands on his child, so he let me stay with him and for years I was abused.
I started becoming a recluse always inside never hanging out with friends, never wanting to be outside because I thought that nobody cared, or could see right through the lies and who I have become, I never said anything till now and I'm 22 and just recently got away from my abuser. He tried to kill himself because of this which I think was just to get my attention, I had to pull the gun out of his hands, he did not want me leaving he used any way to get to me, knowing I'm a nice person and never wanted anything bad to come of this, he told my dad and me very weird things and told allot of lies, I'm just now coming to terms with things and never wanting to live a lie again I couldn't do it anymore so I started speaking out and trying to get help because if I kept going down this road I would surely end up dead from stress or worse me killing myself.
I am now living with my dad again and told him everything I have spoken to many people but I still feel the need to speak out I really need a to get professional help I know and will be trying to. July third I will be tested for huntingtons disease which I think is the cause for all of this, since day one I thought something was wrong with me even before I knew about it. I want to correct things and live a normal life without fear or regrets, I never knew what I was doing till now! I hope this inspires anyone else to reach out for help, I hope one day to have a normal relationship with a girl of my dreams and to fill that emptiness of never having a mother, everything takes time and you have to love yourself before this can happen or so I'm told, but then why are people dating those who they don't really love or feel that they can help them, is everyone living in a fantasy world especially younger kids who don't know what love is to begin with, it is mutual experience and you should be helping each other no matter what the problems are be it sickness or mental health, at least that is what I think. Every girl I talk to about these things runs and hides, I thought it was about trust and knowing the person I don't want sex I just want to hold her hand and know that they will be there and I will be there for them!
To this day I have a hatred towards men I don't listen to them very well only the ones I have known and even then I cant trust them, I fear them and wish I wasn't a man myself, its hard looking in the mirror or trying to talk to girls because I think I will do the same which I know I wont because I'm the kindest guy anyone has met everyone tells me this, and I know who I am!I love helping others and always help others, I have been thanked for helping friends to this day, but never once have I tried to help myself till now!
Sorry if this is confusing, it's very confusing even to me. Hopefully this wasn't a bad decision and I didn't post anything wrong.
