Mother Is Dying

[Crow]

I asked my father if my mother has congestive heart failure. She's been in hospital for several days twice in the last three weeks. My father confirmed. No other details though. From searching online it sounds like she's in middle of the last stage.

My mother was dangerous. I'd even say IS dangerous. She sexually abused me. Allowed her father to go unpunished after raping me at 4. Did nothing to protect me from my teenage pedophile brother. When I was 9, after four years, I told her about the continuing molestation. She told me to go back to bed and not to tell my father. I have scars from severe infection from diaper rash. She laughs about the fact she took out her hearing aids when my brothers left for school when I was an infant so she wasn't bothered by my screaming. I'm sure I went hungry a lot back then. I won't go into all the other stuff including ignoring when a family friend's son raped me when I was 11. No. Instead when I was 18 she forced me to show him around the city. He got a huge kick in his sack when he tried it again.

So she's dying. No idea how long. But it's imminent.

My initial reaction was relief. Then sadness I never will have a mom every kid deserves. Then mad I'll probably never get an apology. And even if I do, too little too late. Then I felt the urge to organize a family vacation with my brothers and their families and our parents. Decided I was f*cking crazy for wanting myself in that toxic environment.

So I'm left with relief and a bit of confusion. Confusion I don't feel bad about wanting nothing to do with them more than phone calls. Same as the last four years.

Any advice or experience with this kind of thing?

 

[Ocin]

Not much to offer other than you show a lot of wisdom in what you've written. Stay safe and care for yourself during this difficult time.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I asked my father if my mother has congestive heart failure. She's been in hospital for several day...

First, please know that I know and understand exactly what you are feeling at this moment from your above post. I too have sexual abuse issues with father; and mother allowed step-father to sexually molest my sister and me, and I could go on and on; but this is NOT about me.

I only want to say this to try and share and know that you will make your own decisions about your mother so I feel okay in sharing this with you and hope in some way this helps. I hate mother, father, on and on. And when she died (2006) and I sat beside her hospice bed an hour after she passed for she was in Ohio and me in KY and could not get there in time to see her before she died, and I sat by her bed and I said, "You'll never ever hurt me again." And I was wrong because now I'm in Emdr therapy and dealing with horrific trauma fallout. I did not go to her funeral and main reason was - I did NOT want to. Later through our sick family grapevine that I no longer swing on - found out that a friend of mother's trashed her funeral with her (mother's friend) "eulogy" about the rest of mother's family and how they so horribly treated mother, and this woman (whom I had never met) also defended me at funeral as to how the rest of family treated me. Who cares.

Mother allowed a child molester to get to me and so much more horrible things happened because of mother. As you know @CrowFeather, there are no take backs when it comes to sexual abuse and there are not enough I'm sorry declarations to stop the trauma events from reoccurring in my mind and nearly destroying my core being (heart and soul). The only thing that is helping is Emdr therapy. I have not forgiven either of them, and I may never will. Some will say "forgive them" and this will help you. I am not there yet, if that is even true.

My heart and soul bleed for you because I remember also too when father died (sexually abused me as well) and I had to go the psychiatric hospital and that is how I coped with his death, and now also Emdr therapy. No one can tell you how to feel, deal and come to terms with what family so horrifically and unspeakably perpetrated against your precious body and mind @CrowFeather. I am saddened that you like me were so terribly violated and now as I have done - you are facing mother's eminent death and I will say this: If you feel like telling her you love her, then tell her. If you feel like telling her to go to Hell, I would not - for I strongly believe you will regret it on down the road. One of famous quotes I found on web and believe in and am trying and failing at same time to live by: "And, in the end The love you take is equal to the love you make." When mother, then father were dying (both deceased) I said nothing to add kerosene to the already burning flames funeral pyre of bones both were in denial about, yet are even to this day still smoldering and continuing to choke me and bury me.

I did (still trying to forgive self) regret sending letter years prior to father's death (before I through Emdr am now aware that father sexually and in every other way abused me) and sent him this pretty much "Go To Hell" letter that again I still regret sending to this day. In it, years prior to his death, the letter informed him that I would not be coming to his funeral. Oh, if I could only take back letter. No, I did not attend funeral, however, the letter was filled with extreme hate and poisonous venom that did nothing but add more putrid stench to what they'd done to me and my precious body, mind, and soul. This letter served in hindsight no purpose whatsoever. Nothing was gained by my sending hate towards hate (father was a sick and vile human being who covered it up with masks around other people and so was mother).

I was the only person except a state trooper whom father hit square in the face while drunk that ever saw Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde chameleon father switching extreme mood changes that he showed only me (and that trooper). Others saw bio-father drunk they did not see the crazy hell side destruction that I experienced up close and personal. I am here, if you ever want to talk and I care about what you're going through, or I would not have posted, for I post very little these days, if at all due to Emdr therapy and toll it takes on my brain (taking Emdr break for a few weeks then starting back) and it fries my brain yet the horrible memories (re: father - have only worked on him, and a couple of other perps) are not as intense and frightening as they were prior to Emdr). If I have offended you, I ask for forgiveness, I only wanted to help. JJ

 

[Crow]

Thank you @Ocin . I think my therapist has been preparing me for this in round about ways for years. I've been grieving not having a mother for a while now. It's helping I think.

@JadesJewel thank you very much for sharing your experience. It's very helpful to know I'm not alone. I decided not long ago to no longer live my life trying to make others comfortable in the disfunction. That's when I stopped being the organizer and fixer in my family dynamic. I think that distance is helping. I also realized that trying to convince them of their wrong doing is useless. I remember 20 years ago when I tried to discuss the molestation with my mom and dad, my dad's response was "so what do you want me to do about it now?" Not a word of comfort or remorse. So I'm protecting myself by not getting enmeshed. I'll go to the funeral but nothing more. Not hanging out. Down and back.

 

[jaccat]

I've been there. Whatever you feel, it is valid. Don't let anyone tell you there's a way you should feel.