I don't know that this is the place I should be writing this, but it seemed to fit...
On Mother's Day I had a flashback of something I hadn't thought about in a long time. When I was about 8 my mother was seeking help for her depression/ptsd. We had been taking the bus weekly to her T for sessions. Up until then I had been raising myself and taking care of her too. My father was very vacant and when he was around he was physically and verbally abusive. Did I mention alcoholic?
We were waiting at the bus stop on a major highway. Nothing unusual about this day. I watched a few buses pass by still waiting on our bus. I remember my mom grabbing my hand. She walked closer to the road. I saw a bus coming and thought it may have been ours so I allowed her to lead me close to the road. The bus didn't slow and neither did she. She walked us into the road. I snatched her backward only moments before the bus hit us. She almost landed on her ass, she must not have expected my reaction. Her intention was to kill us both.
Later on I would think of her actions on that day. I originally thought she didn't want to leave me alone, but later I decided she was being selfish. She wanted to feel okay about killing herself by killing me as well. That was later validated when she left to the "laundromat" some years later and didn't come back. We did find her a few months later, but she didn't really want to be found. She wanted away from the abuse, but left me in the wake of it all. I was then the main target on my father's radar. I don't thank her for that.
I plan on reclaiming Mother's Day for myself. I have been everything she wasn't. I have raised my son (age 9), my step-daughters (until one passed from cancer and my marriage dissolved), and my 6 cousins who I had custody of for a few years. Unlike her I deserve one day a year to be respected. Next year will be all mine. I refuse to keep sharing.
On Mother's Day I had a flashback of something I hadn't thought about in a long time. When I was about 8 my mother was seeking help for her depression/ptsd. We had been taking the bus weekly to her T for sessions. Up until then I had been raising myself and taking care of her too. My father was very vacant and when he was around he was physically and verbally abusive. Did I mention alcoholic?
We were waiting at the bus stop on a major highway. Nothing unusual about this day. I watched a few buses pass by still waiting on our bus. I remember my mom grabbing my hand. She walked closer to the road. I saw a bus coming and thought it may have been ours so I allowed her to lead me close to the road. The bus didn't slow and neither did she. She walked us into the road. I snatched her backward only moments before the bus hit us. She almost landed on her ass, she must not have expected my reaction. Her intention was to kill us both.
Later on I would think of her actions on that day. I originally thought she didn't want to leave me alone, but later I decided she was being selfish. She wanted to feel okay about killing herself by killing me as well. That was later validated when she left to the "laundromat" some years later and didn't come back. We did find her a few months later, but she didn't really want to be found. She wanted away from the abuse, but left me in the wake of it all. I was then the main target on my father's radar. I don't thank her for that.
I plan on reclaiming Mother's Day for myself. I have been everything she wasn't. I have raised my son (age 9), my step-daughters (until one passed from cancer and my marriage dissolved), and my 6 cousins who I had custody of for a few years. Unlike her I deserve one day a year to be respected. Next year will be all mine. I refuse to keep sharing.
