Moving On From Therapy

[HappyJock]

At the moment, I'm more lonely than I've felt in a long time and the situation confuses me. So much that at times, suicidal ideations give me the happiness and satisfaction that asking for help doesn't give me.

After having so many bad therapists, I finally have a good one. The issue with this is, I have DID along with PTSD. I can never be fully honest in therapy. I've written things down, I've even showed this therapist some of the things on here -- my own threads. Still, I can't. These consistent changes sometimes make me want to just "check out" and sometimes, check into an ER. But I don't.

If I can't be honest in therapy and can't get the help I need, what's the point? It's like I have so many things I want to talk about. Once I get into session, it's all gone. I smile. Laugh. Dissociate. I'm convincing about being fine.

It could be 1:00 PM and I love therapy and plan what I want to say. At 1:04 PM, I loathe therapy, have severe distrust and consistently find ways to hide. Part of it could be the DID, but the other part makes me feel truly alone as I am outside of this online thing which is different. That's the thing. As much as I need and want help it seems hopeless for me and I'm thinking about giving up honestly. I can't keep doing all of this; go, hide, want help, need it, consistent mood changes, etc.

It's tough when you don't know who you are sometimes. It sucks even more that the thing that's right there in front of me is something I have never once been able to reach.

What do I do? Printing it... Emailing it? Won't work. I've tried. I end up hiding and bring convincing regardless. Maybe I am beyond help. The nobody. The useless one. The one who actually deserved everything he got. Because, in my 23 years of living, never once have I truly been able to be honest. Vulnerable. Truthful. I an irrelevant and I guess I always knew that. Its why it hurts not to pretend I'm so happy. Because then, I'd look and see examples on how I try. But it doesn't work. Never has.

 

[Ronin]

Switching isn't 'not being honest'.

Having alternative explanations for the same phenomenon - parts of life, memory, and all - isn't dishonesty.

It's not intentional, it's not to deceive, and it's not deception with a malevolent intent or working toward a malevolent goal.

Congratulations on finding a helpful therapist, more helpful than others have been.

 

[Ronin]

I can't keep doing all of this; go, hide, want help, need it, consistent mood changes, etc.

What about working toward spending less energy on it?

Having some spares left, more moving & breathing space in the meantime?

Because these switches ease up with time and work, but you need to figure how to have some energy left at the end (or, hell, in the half of) the day.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it's time to seriously think about looking into inpatient trauma treatment programs--------not your local ER.

You'll be monitored 24/7. You won't be able to hide your behavior in this type of setting. You will get the help you need.

Your propensity to injure while dissociated means that giving up may indeed be giving up.

 

[Changing4Best]

Try to disclose just ONE thing. Start there. Decide upon what that thing can be, make it a pretty safe thing to divulge, and then make the effort. Try really hard. You can do this! Just ONE thing. Remember. Just ONE.

 

[Ronin]

Maybe I am beyond help. The nobody. The useless one.

You'd be the first. :)

Truly. You're not beyond help, you're not the nobody, and 'useless' isn't how to describe people, it's for objects. People ain't it.

 

[EveHarrington]

@Cashew

Please block me if you don't like my advice and I will be doing the same. I am not in a good place to have my responses/advice criticized as they are.

I JUST logged in and this is the first post I responded to. It is indeed meant for this poster & this post. I'm fully aware of all of his back-posts and that is why I am replying as such.

It is irresponsible IMHO for me to support only what is said here/now given that I know this persons history as posted here on the forum.

 

[Ronin]

@EveHarrington, I've deleted my post for I realized my error and what concretely you're responding to, hence ceasing the confusion on my part :)

It was not objecting to advice given, or your person, at all. So no need for measures like blocking, and I don't do it for those reasons, either.

 

[Friday]

If I can't be honest in therapy and can't get the help I need, what's the point?

Learning how to be honest*? Adding instead of scrapping?

.,.

Maybe seeing how the same concept works in someone else might help.

If I try and talk about my trauma stuff, I can't. My jaw locks shut. My mind blanks. I physically cannot do it. So if I'm in therapy for trauma... What do I need to do? First? Quit because I can't talk (scrapping) or Learn how to talk (adding)?

It's a lot like baking an apple pie from scratch. You can have all the ingredients together, but if you don't have an oven? Do you throw all the ingredients out, or find an oven? Have an oven but no power? Well, need to either find a different oven with power, get the power turned on for your own oven, or find a way to bake things that don't require an electric oven. Does it take longer? Yup. Do you still get your apple pie in the end? Also yes. Adding a step, like finding a working oven, or learning to talk, or learning to be honest, doesn't mean that you don't get the apple pie. It's what makes the apple pie possible.

"If you want to bake an apple pie from scratch... You must first... Invent the universe." -Carl Sagan

<grin> See? It could be worse. You & I only have to back up a couple steps :D Not go all the way back to the word, go.

* Honest in this case doesn't mean a complete integration of all aspects of yourself, so that you never have conflicting answers to the same question. Even people without DID are often of two minds about one thing, or think/feel differently about something from one moment to the next. Honest meaning a level of communication that you can work with & allows you to be working on what you want to be working on.