How can I let go of all my anger towards my Mum? I always thought that at some point my Mum would understand the damage that she has done to my life, and be genuinely sorry for it. When I found out she was dying of cancer a couple of years ago, I started dealing with a mountain of suppressed emotion towards her - it took some time but I eventually initiated contact in the form of a letter (shown below), and then went to visit her in hospital to discuss the letter and give her a chance to respond before she passed.
Despite being in obvious pain she made a point of raising the hospital bed, so she could look down at me while telling me that she was completely innocent of everything, and basically that she was righteous and I am not. It has been at least 10 months since, and my mind still boggles at how a Mother could put her child through the horrors I've experienced only to judge and condemn me for the effects of the abuse - and completely excuse herself from all responsibility for the part she played in the abuse. It still feels devastating.
In the letter I sent, I gathered all my courage and presented only that side of myself. I fell like I've taken several steps back since then because my PTSD has been so much more severe, so of course dealing with the reality of all this pain each day has made my angry feelings escalate!
Johanna,
I hope you can read this letter with a prayerful and humble heart, as I need my voice to be finally heard. I am sure you’re in a lot of pain right now, while I don’t wish it on you, I have no pity for you. I don’t believe it can be compared to the pain I have suffered because of your poor parenting and neglect of me.
When I heard you were sick I had decided once the shock had worn off, I would go see you. As I considered seeing you and other family members again, I began to dread what that contact would mean for me. I was not treated well by you or them, because of this I have no desire to place myself in a position where I will again be abused and exposed to severely dysfunctional behaviours. I feel I have unfinished business with you, so I have carefully constructed this letter in order to best explain my thoughts and experiences.
I have been grieving for a long time now. My grief has been for the Mother I deserved, but never knew. Since I found out you are dying, I have begun to grieve for the Mother I never will know. I had hoped that at some point you would repent, and learn to treat me the way I deserve.
Since I have separated myself from yourself and my siblings, I have not felt suicidal. A large part of the reason I felt that way is because of you. I felt as though you blamed me (and set the example for others in the family to blame me) for the turmoil the family was in. I believed you and blamed myself; I thought by ending my life all your (and siblings) problems would end. I haven’t been a part of your life for a long time now, with this separation has come clarity from your distorted beliefs about me.
I felt as though you kept your love from me and expected of me the impossible task of fixing yours/ the family’s problems, and also creating harmony between my siblings. That should not ever have been expected of me, that was your role as a Mother and not mine as a child and daughter. While I did not set out to complicate the situation further, it is true that I embraced change and a more functional way of living. I have worked hard to try and undo all the damage you and your x-husband did. I had a vision for what was left of my family; I hoped everyone like me, would do everything in their power to move on from the abusive patterns that were forced on us previously.
With this in mind, I need you to know that it was unbelievably devastating for me when you married into a second family who was also highly dysfunctional. It felt like the ultimate betrayal. The last of my hopes and dreams for a happy family were shattered.
Without my persistence and encouragement to move on from the past, I think it’s likely you and the rest of the family have all reverted to denial. I am certain all the problems that haunted you previously are still just as prevalent. Since our last interaction my life has flourished, which proves to me that my choices are productive.
It is important to me that you know: I know you knew that I was being molested from when I was a baby. I am literally a part of you – much to my distress at times, we are connected emotionally and spiritually in a way that can only exist between a Mother and child. Of course you knew what I was feeling and suffering. It took me a long time to admit this to myself, I just did not want to believe that a Mother could know this, and turn a blind eye to what is the sickest kind of abuse.
I realise now that there were a couple of reasons you must have thought it ok to permit them to abuse me in this way. Firstly, you maintained the illusion of being a righteous, God-fearing woman by not divorcing Kevin and being what you called long-suffering (I call it being a victim). Secondly, you also enjoyed Kevin’s attention and love. I don’t doubt that he did love you in his own warped, twisted way. You were the one who decided that his method of loving was acceptable for yourself; unfortunately you also inflicted his ‘love’ on me. This robbed me of my free agency and innocence.
I believe that if you had been repentant of permitting me to suffer extensively for your own selfish reasons, you would have done everything you could have to support me emotionally and love me unconditionally. That is the very least you could have done, rather than draining me emotionally while I fixed your problems and giving back little in return. I guess that was an unrealistic expectation from someone who supported Kevin in his abuse and also inflicted abuse on me.
It distresses me immensely to remember that you excused yourself from all responsibility for the abuse I suffered. I look back on my life and remember you to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually abusive in many instances. I remember you going what could only be called crazy (because you certainly were not in control of your emotions) and hitting me until I was a shaking mess unable to cry anymore, beating me with a wooden spoon, slapping me (and sometimes putting Kevin onto me – like a master putting their dog onto an intruder) over ridiculously minor things like me helping myself to your chocolate or not wanting to do the dishes.
The emotional abuse I suffered from you was in the form of a lifetime of neglect, endless criticism, judgements you were not entitled to make, control over my actions and thoughts which left me at a point where I lacked the confidence and will to live my life.
The spiritual abuse I suffered by you was worse than the other abuse in some ways. How dare you interfere with my relationship with Heavenly Father! You had no right to act as though you were speaking for God. You had no right to make me feel as though I would be damned if I did not do as you ordered every second of the day. Contrary to what you think, people are not damned - nor does it give the devil power to possess them when they listen to the radio. I actually started to believe you and followed your ridiculous orders over a daily variety of miniscule matters, believing that by letting you have complete control over me I would be more favoured by God. I also hoped that when you finally thought I was righteous enough, my constant trials would end. I understand now that you would not have ever felt satisfied with my efforts. Luckily for me, Heavenly Father thinks very differently to you.
I am angry that you took advantage of my vulnerability by exerting so much control over me. I felt like I was being torn apart most of the time as I grew up; I had Kevin demanding he control me or he would physically and emotionally batter me, and I had you demanding control over me with the threat of God’s anger and damnation if I didn’t obey you. You convinced me over and over again that Heavenly Father did not love me, and that I didn’t deserve his love. I remember you tearfully telling me one day that every time I had a blessing Heavenly Father would tell me he loves me – your tears were for yourself, I believe you were jealous that he didn’t do the same for you. I think he knew I needed to hear it at least as often as that because I was not getting the love I needed from my family.
I also resent you for the control you tried to exert over my friends. I resent you trying to control who my friends were and forcing me to be friends with certain people like (name omitted). There was not one friend I brought home that was not also affected by your need to control. By doing this, you prevented me from enjoying healthy social situations. It seemed you would only allow fun on your own terms. My friends did not want to come over anymore after being exposed to your need to control. I am angry that you forbade me to go to my friend’s houses because you didn’t like that they didn’t want to come to mine.
It was my only escape and you took it from me. I felt like a prisoner in that house, constantly fearful of which direction the next lot of abuse would come in, and ever needy of love that was only rationed out when your mood and me pleasing you coincided occasionally. I noticed the full extent of your control did not extend to the males in the family. I saw you constantly trying to please them, you also expected me to do the same. I look back and wonder if it was desperation that was the source of your wanting to dominate and control me?
You had no right to rob me of my free agency. Your role as a Mother was to love me unconditionally, support me in my life journey, believe in me, encourage me, guide me, help me learn from my mistakes, fight for me when I couldn’t fight for myself. One of the many instances you fell short of supporting me, and fighting for me is when I first started feeling suicidal. I remember, feeling as though I couldn’t bear the emotional pain I was feeling; I was so frightened and vulnerable. I was in tears when I told you I felt like killing myself, and your response after your fed-up attitude didn’t warrant a positive response from me, was to tell me “fine then, go ahead and kill yourself”. I will never forget your cruel retort. After that, you said the same words with your actions and attitude towards me over and over again.
Instead of responding in such a heartless way; I would have liked you to firstly take responsibility for subjecting me to the abuse that caused me to feel such dark emotions, and then I would have liked you to respond by holding me till I was calm. I would have wanted you to tell me how much I was loved, that the pain I was feeling would leave eventually, that you were sorry for letting the abuse occur and making it worse in many cases, that you would be there every step of the way to help me through the dark times, I also needed you to tell me what I had to look forward to in life: Uni, a teaching career, children, happy functional relationships, travel... and so much more!
I believed for a long time that there was something very wrong with me, because my response to the abuse impacted my ability to function severely. The fact that I was sexually abused more than anyone else in my family didn’t warrant extra compassion from you, so I didn’t think that was a good enough reason for my levels of depression and anxiety. I understand now that the reason my response was so strong, is because the abuse I suffered was not acceptable to me at any level. Every part of me wanted to reject it. I believe the reason the abuse did not affect other family members as it did myself is because it was acceptable to them. The abusive traits were taken on board and displayed in what was often subtle, manipulative ways. They were careful not to be too obvious because they knew that the behaviours they practiced were wrong.
Another memory that has caused me so much grief is when I ran away from home at the age of 14. I was unable to handle home life anymore and hoped I could find safety elsewhere, instead I was sexually assaulted. When I eventually told you the first thing out of your mouth was “I knew something like this would happen if you ran away.” Your first thought was to tell me off and reassure yourself that you were right! How could you? And then full of self righteousness you told me: if I was righteous enough I would be ok. That was a lie, many years later I still feel the effects of that trauma. The reason I was vulnerable to being raped is because you taught me I deserved to be treated that way, by allowing your husband and older siblings to abuse me.
I think if you had chosen to marry someone half decent, you may not have been as abusive. I am not ignorant to your efforts and the good you have done. What I am saying is it just wasn’t good enough. It was never ok to hurt me like you did, nor let Kevin or Phillip try to destroy me. You chose to stay married to Kevin, which means you are responsible for the consequences that followed.
I cannot comprehend how you could behave in such a detached way towards your own children. Nor do I understand why you would expect me to take on your role as a Mother to my siblings. That was never my responsibility. I still wonder what you were thinking when you watched me struggling with (name omitted - sister) – I was holding her back from a drunken sleaze standing on the other side of our gate. He kept telling us that he was our Daddy, and trying to convince us to come and cuddle him. Deanna believed him and wouldn’t listen to me when I tried telling her he wasn’t her Dad. She was crying and fighting me to let her go, I didn’t think I could stop her and was calling out to you for help. You looked over and continued to hang out the washing and do nothing more. I was only eight!
Where were you when Kevin would lock (sister) or myself in his room and sexually assault us? Again it was me watching out for (sister) the best I could. I remember not being able to find her, and checking your room which was locked. I kept knocking on that door until Kevin let her out.
Where were you when Phillip was blatantly exhibiting inappropriate sexual behaviours towards me? While the worse of it was done in hiding, he was so confident in abusing me he did it right under your nose.
Aaron admitted to seeing Phillip use me to stimulate an erection frequently when family prayer was initiated. I think both you and Aaron are sick for seeing this behaviour and allowing this to happen. Phillip constantly manipulated me, threatened me, and brainwashed me by telling me that I wanted him to touch me in that way (despite my tears, screams, and telling him no when he would then ask me if I liked it!). This was bad enough without you supporting him as he abused me. I can barely believe your hardheartedness towards me, which led you to respond passively every time I was treated this way.
Where were you when (sister) started touching (younger brother) inappropriately? She wouldn’t listen to me when I told her not to; I didn’t have authority over her. When you did find out (I believe it was me that told you), you took us into your room screaming like a crazy woman, pulled down her pants, pointed and laughed at her parts. You succeeded in temporarily stopping her and causing her a great deal of confusion and shame. In my opinion, a loving Mother would have asked why she was behaving this way? I believe she was behaving that way because she was trying to process what she was being taught to do by Kevin, in which case you had a responsibility to take her (and me!) away from him – he was hurting us.
The situation with (sister) and (younger brother) was unlike the situation between Phillip and me, because while (sister) was bossy she did not have authority over (younger brother). On the other hand, Phillip was significantly older than me and would often appeal to you to be in positions of responsibility over me. He then used this authority over me (which you supported) to manipulate me into vulnerable situations where he would inflict on me his cruel, twisted, sexual fantasies. I am angry that you so easily palmed off the responsibility of parenthood onto that predator. I am worth so much more than that, I’m sad that you didn’t ever realise that.
I want to be clear on just how badly you have impacted my life.
Your hypocrisy seems to know no limits. Many of the unhealthy behaviours I have exhibited were learnt from yourself. Yet, you had the audacity to look down at me and constantly judge and criticise me when I demonstrated the same behaviours. An example of this was when I was raped at 17 and then stayed with the rapist, you taught me to respond in this way as you expected me to pretend (as you did) that Kevin and Phillip didn’t sexually abuse me when they did. You also set that example by staying with Kevin (a paedophile and rapist) and allowing him to dominate you.
It angers me to consider something you told me long ago. You said when I was a young child, that you thought I was mongoloid. The reason for this is because I would sit on the couch for hours at a time, not responding to my surroundings and with the same look on my face as your mongoloid cousin. You mentioned at the time that you finally understood the reason for me being like that: “it was because you were in so much pain” because of the sexual abuse. Your compassion didn’t last very long; you did not allow that understanding to extend further to an understanding of what I had to endure. Nor did it extend to you showing me unconditional love regardless of the behaviours I exhibited, behaviours of which were really a very normal response to the extreme abuse I endured from the very people who should have loved and protected me.
I believe I am largely responsible for your separation and then divorce from Kevin; it was me who encouraged and supported you. I’m certain you would still be with him if it weren’t for my hard work. Taking into account the positive and productive impact I have had on your life, it is beyond disappointing that you have had so little to give back to me.
I remember being so terrified of Kevin that it was emotionally crippling. Regardless of this, you didn’t hesitate to invite Kevin over on several occasions (after your separation from him) and re-traumatise me all over again, even after confronting the extent of his abusive behaviour. It takes a very disturbed woman to ask a paedophile to come to the home of one of the children whose life he destroyed, to shoot a dog (in the head) that she loved dearly. Another thing I can’t quite get my head around is why you would accept letters from him to pass onto me, when I asked you not to. You know what I thought of the first letter I received from him – did you think I hadn’t yet had enough of his lies and manipulations when I had to live with that BASTARD!???
In many ways, you remind me of a drug addict. I spent a great deal of my time convincing you to live in a more functional way, I remember the moments of clarity you would have and how hope would appear in your eyes. I also remember you quickly forgetting what you learnt from me and returning to abusive patterns like a heroin addict to her needle, because rehab just feels too hard... and it’s easier, more comfortable living with the old patterns. I remember you kept excusing yourself from change; you often said “I’m too old to change”. That was another lie. The truth was you were too much of a coward and preferred to let other people like me carry the responsibility for your mistakes.
Your inability to take responsibility and show compassion for me was reflected in the people at church, the people you called friends, and the way they treated me once you were done sharing your judgemental attitude and criticisms of me. Knowing the magnitude of abuse I was trying to overcome, you ought to have stood up for me and encouraged people around me to be more supportive.
Another thing you have done that has hurt me so deeply that I don’t believe I will ever completely heal from it, is when you tried to rob me of my last moments with (baby from rape) before I gave him up for adoption. It took tremendous courage to go through with that pregnancy; most people in my situation would have aborted the child. I held onto my beliefs and fought with everything I had to protect him, and ensure that he would continue to be protected throughout his life. I fought each day to keep it together and try to overcome the trauma that had resulted in the pregnancy. I was so vulnerable myself and very overwhelmed. You did not recognise this or show any pride in the tremendous feat I was enduring, instead you selfishly tried to rob me of my last moments with him.
On my last day with him as a newborn, instead of supporting me and doing what you could to help in any way I needed, you threw a bitchy tantrum at my wanting to spend some time alone with him. I remember you snarling at me and threatening me, you said: if I was going to be alone with (baby), then you would refuse to help me with his formula or anything else. That day was traumatic enough without you adding to it. I believe you felt you were just as entitled to spend time with him. This was another attempt to exploit and control me in a sick way. You have no rights to him. You had no right to feel sorry for yourself at giving up a grandson, when I was doing what was best for both him and me. Your first concern should have been for me. I am also angry that you did not stand up for me/ FIGHT for me when other family members maliciously spread lies about me not being honest about being raped. You knew the truth.
The emotions that you evoke in me are feelings of worthlessness, uselessness, and rejection. I felt as though all I was to you was an object to be used to satisfy your, and your husband’s whims. You deprived me of emotional support my entire life, either not wanting to give it to me or not developing the emotional maturity to give it to me. I lived my life feeling as though I didn’t deserve love and respect.
I did have low tolerance for your and my sibling’s dysfunctional, malicious, manipulative behaviour, and would respond strongly to it at times. I felt trapped for a long time. It took me a while, but I am finally free of your brainwashing. I now do not feel responsible for anyone in my family. I do not, and will not ever expose myself or anyone I love to your or their hurtful behaviours. There is only room in my life for kind, good hearted, genuine people.
You, my Mum, have left me in a web of confusion and lies; ready to sacrifice me to Kevin (who represents the venomous spider here) to try and please him into behaving differently. Because of this, I meet new people and opportunities with distrust and fear. Every day I release myself a little more from the web you positioned me in. The reason I am able to do this is because of my courage and insight, these are traits that went unrecognised by you because you were too focused on blaming me.
I have often felt that if the Celestial Kingdom is where you are really going, then I would rather not go there. I do not want to spend an eternity with someone who has consistently poisoned my outlook on life, my self-perception and robbed me of the life I might have had if I were raised by decent, functional, loving parents. Although, in this moment I have found the inner strength to trust Heavenly Father’s judgement of you, I am, after all, flawed myself and therefore my judgement is far from perfect.
I want you to know that even though your actions have had such a devastating impact on my life, I do still love you. The love I have for you is different to the way in which I loved you previously; I made these changes because the way in which you expected me to love you in the past has been hurtful to me. You have had your moments in which you came through for me, and I felt as though you were conscientious of my needs and your responsibilities as a Mother. There are many good values that you have taught me that I practise in my own life, and I also appreciate the time you took to teach me life skills. I want you to know that for all of the above I am grateful.
Regardless of the good you have done for me, I cannot look past how you have wronged me. I also have reason to thank you for clearly demonstrating to me in many ways the kind of Mother I don’t want to be. My children will never question my love and commitment to their happiness and success.
The meaning your death has for me is that it will close another chapter in my life that I have wanted to close for a long time now. This chapter ends with deep regrets for your inadequacies, but a renewed hope and outlook for my abilities to fulfill my dreams.
I am giving this letter to you untroubled by your response, it is about time I let you take responsibility for the extensive damage you have done to me.
Despite being in obvious pain she made a point of raising the hospital bed, so she could look down at me while telling me that she was completely innocent of everything, and basically that she was righteous and I am not. It has been at least 10 months since, and my mind still boggles at how a Mother could put her child through the horrors I've experienced only to judge and condemn me for the effects of the abuse - and completely excuse herself from all responsibility for the part she played in the abuse. It still feels devastating.
In the letter I sent, I gathered all my courage and presented only that side of myself. I fell like I've taken several steps back since then because my PTSD has been so much more severe, so of course dealing with the reality of all this pain each day has made my angry feelings escalate!
Johanna,
I hope you can read this letter with a prayerful and humble heart, as I need my voice to be finally heard. I am sure you’re in a lot of pain right now, while I don’t wish it on you, I have no pity for you. I don’t believe it can be compared to the pain I have suffered because of your poor parenting and neglect of me.
When I heard you were sick I had decided once the shock had worn off, I would go see you. As I considered seeing you and other family members again, I began to dread what that contact would mean for me. I was not treated well by you or them, because of this I have no desire to place myself in a position where I will again be abused and exposed to severely dysfunctional behaviours. I feel I have unfinished business with you, so I have carefully constructed this letter in order to best explain my thoughts and experiences.
I have been grieving for a long time now. My grief has been for the Mother I deserved, but never knew. Since I found out you are dying, I have begun to grieve for the Mother I never will know. I had hoped that at some point you would repent, and learn to treat me the way I deserve.
Since I have separated myself from yourself and my siblings, I have not felt suicidal. A large part of the reason I felt that way is because of you. I felt as though you blamed me (and set the example for others in the family to blame me) for the turmoil the family was in. I believed you and blamed myself; I thought by ending my life all your (and siblings) problems would end. I haven’t been a part of your life for a long time now, with this separation has come clarity from your distorted beliefs about me.
I felt as though you kept your love from me and expected of me the impossible task of fixing yours/ the family’s problems, and also creating harmony between my siblings. That should not ever have been expected of me, that was your role as a Mother and not mine as a child and daughter. While I did not set out to complicate the situation further, it is true that I embraced change and a more functional way of living. I have worked hard to try and undo all the damage you and your x-husband did. I had a vision for what was left of my family; I hoped everyone like me, would do everything in their power to move on from the abusive patterns that were forced on us previously.
With this in mind, I need you to know that it was unbelievably devastating for me when you married into a second family who was also highly dysfunctional. It felt like the ultimate betrayal. The last of my hopes and dreams for a happy family were shattered.
Without my persistence and encouragement to move on from the past, I think it’s likely you and the rest of the family have all reverted to denial. I am certain all the problems that haunted you previously are still just as prevalent. Since our last interaction my life has flourished, which proves to me that my choices are productive.
It is important to me that you know: I know you knew that I was being molested from when I was a baby. I am literally a part of you – much to my distress at times, we are connected emotionally and spiritually in a way that can only exist between a Mother and child. Of course you knew what I was feeling and suffering. It took me a long time to admit this to myself, I just did not want to believe that a Mother could know this, and turn a blind eye to what is the sickest kind of abuse.
I realise now that there were a couple of reasons you must have thought it ok to permit them to abuse me in this way. Firstly, you maintained the illusion of being a righteous, God-fearing woman by not divorcing Kevin and being what you called long-suffering (I call it being a victim). Secondly, you also enjoyed Kevin’s attention and love. I don’t doubt that he did love you in his own warped, twisted way. You were the one who decided that his method of loving was acceptable for yourself; unfortunately you also inflicted his ‘love’ on me. This robbed me of my free agency and innocence.
I believe that if you had been repentant of permitting me to suffer extensively for your own selfish reasons, you would have done everything you could have to support me emotionally and love me unconditionally. That is the very least you could have done, rather than draining me emotionally while I fixed your problems and giving back little in return. I guess that was an unrealistic expectation from someone who supported Kevin in his abuse and also inflicted abuse on me.
It distresses me immensely to remember that you excused yourself from all responsibility for the abuse I suffered. I look back on my life and remember you to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually abusive in many instances. I remember you going what could only be called crazy (because you certainly were not in control of your emotions) and hitting me until I was a shaking mess unable to cry anymore, beating me with a wooden spoon, slapping me (and sometimes putting Kevin onto me – like a master putting their dog onto an intruder) over ridiculously minor things like me helping myself to your chocolate or not wanting to do the dishes.
The emotional abuse I suffered from you was in the form of a lifetime of neglect, endless criticism, judgements you were not entitled to make, control over my actions and thoughts which left me at a point where I lacked the confidence and will to live my life.
The spiritual abuse I suffered by you was worse than the other abuse in some ways. How dare you interfere with my relationship with Heavenly Father! You had no right to act as though you were speaking for God. You had no right to make me feel as though I would be damned if I did not do as you ordered every second of the day. Contrary to what you think, people are not damned - nor does it give the devil power to possess them when they listen to the radio. I actually started to believe you and followed your ridiculous orders over a daily variety of miniscule matters, believing that by letting you have complete control over me I would be more favoured by God. I also hoped that when you finally thought I was righteous enough, my constant trials would end. I understand now that you would not have ever felt satisfied with my efforts. Luckily for me, Heavenly Father thinks very differently to you.
I am angry that you took advantage of my vulnerability by exerting so much control over me. I felt like I was being torn apart most of the time as I grew up; I had Kevin demanding he control me or he would physically and emotionally batter me, and I had you demanding control over me with the threat of God’s anger and damnation if I didn’t obey you. You convinced me over and over again that Heavenly Father did not love me, and that I didn’t deserve his love. I remember you tearfully telling me one day that every time I had a blessing Heavenly Father would tell me he loves me – your tears were for yourself, I believe you were jealous that he didn’t do the same for you. I think he knew I needed to hear it at least as often as that because I was not getting the love I needed from my family.
I also resent you for the control you tried to exert over my friends. I resent you trying to control who my friends were and forcing me to be friends with certain people like (name omitted). There was not one friend I brought home that was not also affected by your need to control. By doing this, you prevented me from enjoying healthy social situations. It seemed you would only allow fun on your own terms. My friends did not want to come over anymore after being exposed to your need to control. I am angry that you forbade me to go to my friend’s houses because you didn’t like that they didn’t want to come to mine.
It was my only escape and you took it from me. I felt like a prisoner in that house, constantly fearful of which direction the next lot of abuse would come in, and ever needy of love that was only rationed out when your mood and me pleasing you coincided occasionally. I noticed the full extent of your control did not extend to the males in the family. I saw you constantly trying to please them, you also expected me to do the same. I look back and wonder if it was desperation that was the source of your wanting to dominate and control me?
You had no right to rob me of my free agency. Your role as a Mother was to love me unconditionally, support me in my life journey, believe in me, encourage me, guide me, help me learn from my mistakes, fight for me when I couldn’t fight for myself. One of the many instances you fell short of supporting me, and fighting for me is when I first started feeling suicidal. I remember, feeling as though I couldn’t bear the emotional pain I was feeling; I was so frightened and vulnerable. I was in tears when I told you I felt like killing myself, and your response after your fed-up attitude didn’t warrant a positive response from me, was to tell me “fine then, go ahead and kill yourself”. I will never forget your cruel retort. After that, you said the same words with your actions and attitude towards me over and over again.
Instead of responding in such a heartless way; I would have liked you to firstly take responsibility for subjecting me to the abuse that caused me to feel such dark emotions, and then I would have liked you to respond by holding me till I was calm. I would have wanted you to tell me how much I was loved, that the pain I was feeling would leave eventually, that you were sorry for letting the abuse occur and making it worse in many cases, that you would be there every step of the way to help me through the dark times, I also needed you to tell me what I had to look forward to in life: Uni, a teaching career, children, happy functional relationships, travel... and so much more!
I believed for a long time that there was something very wrong with me, because my response to the abuse impacted my ability to function severely. The fact that I was sexually abused more than anyone else in my family didn’t warrant extra compassion from you, so I didn’t think that was a good enough reason for my levels of depression and anxiety. I understand now that the reason my response was so strong, is because the abuse I suffered was not acceptable to me at any level. Every part of me wanted to reject it. I believe the reason the abuse did not affect other family members as it did myself is because it was acceptable to them. The abusive traits were taken on board and displayed in what was often subtle, manipulative ways. They were careful not to be too obvious because they knew that the behaviours they practiced were wrong.
Another memory that has caused me so much grief is when I ran away from home at the age of 14. I was unable to handle home life anymore and hoped I could find safety elsewhere, instead I was sexually assaulted. When I eventually told you the first thing out of your mouth was “I knew something like this would happen if you ran away.” Your first thought was to tell me off and reassure yourself that you were right! How could you? And then full of self righteousness you told me: if I was righteous enough I would be ok. That was a lie, many years later I still feel the effects of that trauma. The reason I was vulnerable to being raped is because you taught me I deserved to be treated that way, by allowing your husband and older siblings to abuse me.
I think if you had chosen to marry someone half decent, you may not have been as abusive. I am not ignorant to your efforts and the good you have done. What I am saying is it just wasn’t good enough. It was never ok to hurt me like you did, nor let Kevin or Phillip try to destroy me. You chose to stay married to Kevin, which means you are responsible for the consequences that followed.
I cannot comprehend how you could behave in such a detached way towards your own children. Nor do I understand why you would expect me to take on your role as a Mother to my siblings. That was never my responsibility. I still wonder what you were thinking when you watched me struggling with (name omitted - sister) – I was holding her back from a drunken sleaze standing on the other side of our gate. He kept telling us that he was our Daddy, and trying to convince us to come and cuddle him. Deanna believed him and wouldn’t listen to me when I tried telling her he wasn’t her Dad. She was crying and fighting me to let her go, I didn’t think I could stop her and was calling out to you for help. You looked over and continued to hang out the washing and do nothing more. I was only eight!
Where were you when Kevin would lock (sister) or myself in his room and sexually assault us? Again it was me watching out for (sister) the best I could. I remember not being able to find her, and checking your room which was locked. I kept knocking on that door until Kevin let her out.
Where were you when Phillip was blatantly exhibiting inappropriate sexual behaviours towards me? While the worse of it was done in hiding, he was so confident in abusing me he did it right under your nose.
Aaron admitted to seeing Phillip use me to stimulate an erection frequently when family prayer was initiated. I think both you and Aaron are sick for seeing this behaviour and allowing this to happen. Phillip constantly manipulated me, threatened me, and brainwashed me by telling me that I wanted him to touch me in that way (despite my tears, screams, and telling him no when he would then ask me if I liked it!). This was bad enough without you supporting him as he abused me. I can barely believe your hardheartedness towards me, which led you to respond passively every time I was treated this way.
Where were you when (sister) started touching (younger brother) inappropriately? She wouldn’t listen to me when I told her not to; I didn’t have authority over her. When you did find out (I believe it was me that told you), you took us into your room screaming like a crazy woman, pulled down her pants, pointed and laughed at her parts. You succeeded in temporarily stopping her and causing her a great deal of confusion and shame. In my opinion, a loving Mother would have asked why she was behaving this way? I believe she was behaving that way because she was trying to process what she was being taught to do by Kevin, in which case you had a responsibility to take her (and me!) away from him – he was hurting us.
The situation with (sister) and (younger brother) was unlike the situation between Phillip and me, because while (sister) was bossy she did not have authority over (younger brother). On the other hand, Phillip was significantly older than me and would often appeal to you to be in positions of responsibility over me. He then used this authority over me (which you supported) to manipulate me into vulnerable situations where he would inflict on me his cruel, twisted, sexual fantasies. I am angry that you so easily palmed off the responsibility of parenthood onto that predator. I am worth so much more than that, I’m sad that you didn’t ever realise that.
I want to be clear on just how badly you have impacted my life.
Your hypocrisy seems to know no limits. Many of the unhealthy behaviours I have exhibited were learnt from yourself. Yet, you had the audacity to look down at me and constantly judge and criticise me when I demonstrated the same behaviours. An example of this was when I was raped at 17 and then stayed with the rapist, you taught me to respond in this way as you expected me to pretend (as you did) that Kevin and Phillip didn’t sexually abuse me when they did. You also set that example by staying with Kevin (a paedophile and rapist) and allowing him to dominate you.
It angers me to consider something you told me long ago. You said when I was a young child, that you thought I was mongoloid. The reason for this is because I would sit on the couch for hours at a time, not responding to my surroundings and with the same look on my face as your mongoloid cousin. You mentioned at the time that you finally understood the reason for me being like that: “it was because you were in so much pain” because of the sexual abuse. Your compassion didn’t last very long; you did not allow that understanding to extend further to an understanding of what I had to endure. Nor did it extend to you showing me unconditional love regardless of the behaviours I exhibited, behaviours of which were really a very normal response to the extreme abuse I endured from the very people who should have loved and protected me.
I believe I am largely responsible for your separation and then divorce from Kevin; it was me who encouraged and supported you. I’m certain you would still be with him if it weren’t for my hard work. Taking into account the positive and productive impact I have had on your life, it is beyond disappointing that you have had so little to give back to me.
I remember being so terrified of Kevin that it was emotionally crippling. Regardless of this, you didn’t hesitate to invite Kevin over on several occasions (after your separation from him) and re-traumatise me all over again, even after confronting the extent of his abusive behaviour. It takes a very disturbed woman to ask a paedophile to come to the home of one of the children whose life he destroyed, to shoot a dog (in the head) that she loved dearly. Another thing I can’t quite get my head around is why you would accept letters from him to pass onto me, when I asked you not to. You know what I thought of the first letter I received from him – did you think I hadn’t yet had enough of his lies and manipulations when I had to live with that BASTARD!???
In many ways, you remind me of a drug addict. I spent a great deal of my time convincing you to live in a more functional way, I remember the moments of clarity you would have and how hope would appear in your eyes. I also remember you quickly forgetting what you learnt from me and returning to abusive patterns like a heroin addict to her needle, because rehab just feels too hard... and it’s easier, more comfortable living with the old patterns. I remember you kept excusing yourself from change; you often said “I’m too old to change”. That was another lie. The truth was you were too much of a coward and preferred to let other people like me carry the responsibility for your mistakes.
Your inability to take responsibility and show compassion for me was reflected in the people at church, the people you called friends, and the way they treated me once you were done sharing your judgemental attitude and criticisms of me. Knowing the magnitude of abuse I was trying to overcome, you ought to have stood up for me and encouraged people around me to be more supportive.
Another thing you have done that has hurt me so deeply that I don’t believe I will ever completely heal from it, is when you tried to rob me of my last moments with (baby from rape) before I gave him up for adoption. It took tremendous courage to go through with that pregnancy; most people in my situation would have aborted the child. I held onto my beliefs and fought with everything I had to protect him, and ensure that he would continue to be protected throughout his life. I fought each day to keep it together and try to overcome the trauma that had resulted in the pregnancy. I was so vulnerable myself and very overwhelmed. You did not recognise this or show any pride in the tremendous feat I was enduring, instead you selfishly tried to rob me of my last moments with him.
On my last day with him as a newborn, instead of supporting me and doing what you could to help in any way I needed, you threw a bitchy tantrum at my wanting to spend some time alone with him. I remember you snarling at me and threatening me, you said: if I was going to be alone with (baby), then you would refuse to help me with his formula or anything else. That day was traumatic enough without you adding to it. I believe you felt you were just as entitled to spend time with him. This was another attempt to exploit and control me in a sick way. You have no rights to him. You had no right to feel sorry for yourself at giving up a grandson, when I was doing what was best for both him and me. Your first concern should have been for me. I am also angry that you did not stand up for me/ FIGHT for me when other family members maliciously spread lies about me not being honest about being raped. You knew the truth.
The emotions that you evoke in me are feelings of worthlessness, uselessness, and rejection. I felt as though all I was to you was an object to be used to satisfy your, and your husband’s whims. You deprived me of emotional support my entire life, either not wanting to give it to me or not developing the emotional maturity to give it to me. I lived my life feeling as though I didn’t deserve love and respect.
I did have low tolerance for your and my sibling’s dysfunctional, malicious, manipulative behaviour, and would respond strongly to it at times. I felt trapped for a long time. It took me a while, but I am finally free of your brainwashing. I now do not feel responsible for anyone in my family. I do not, and will not ever expose myself or anyone I love to your or their hurtful behaviours. There is only room in my life for kind, good hearted, genuine people.
You, my Mum, have left me in a web of confusion and lies; ready to sacrifice me to Kevin (who represents the venomous spider here) to try and please him into behaving differently. Because of this, I meet new people and opportunities with distrust and fear. Every day I release myself a little more from the web you positioned me in. The reason I am able to do this is because of my courage and insight, these are traits that went unrecognised by you because you were too focused on blaming me.
I have often felt that if the Celestial Kingdom is where you are really going, then I would rather not go there. I do not want to spend an eternity with someone who has consistently poisoned my outlook on life, my self-perception and robbed me of the life I might have had if I were raised by decent, functional, loving parents. Although, in this moment I have found the inner strength to trust Heavenly Father’s judgement of you, I am, after all, flawed myself and therefore my judgement is far from perfect.
I want you to know that even though your actions have had such a devastating impact on my life, I do still love you. The love I have for you is different to the way in which I loved you previously; I made these changes because the way in which you expected me to love you in the past has been hurtful to me. You have had your moments in which you came through for me, and I felt as though you were conscientious of my needs and your responsibilities as a Mother. There are many good values that you have taught me that I practise in my own life, and I also appreciate the time you took to teach me life skills. I want you to know that for all of the above I am grateful.
Regardless of the good you have done for me, I cannot look past how you have wronged me. I also have reason to thank you for clearly demonstrating to me in many ways the kind of Mother I don’t want to be. My children will never question my love and commitment to their happiness and success.
The meaning your death has for me is that it will close another chapter in my life that I have wanted to close for a long time now. This chapter ends with deep regrets for your inadequacies, but a renewed hope and outlook for my abilities to fulfill my dreams.
I am giving this letter to you untroubled by your response, it is about time I let you take responsibility for the extensive damage you have done to me.
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