ED Muscle pain & Eating - restricted calorie intake

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Sideways

Moderator
@blackemerald1 - well, er... The good news is that most days I’m having brekky cereal instead of a shake at breakfast. And I’m still getting those 2 serves of fruit most days.

Noticing physical changes isn’t my strong suit. I still don’t wanna eat. Atm, I have to, because I’ve flagged with my T that we ‘may need to discuss this issue’ in the future, which is motivation to make it a non-issue asap, ergo “discussion” becomes unnecessary. Goal stepping!!!!

I’m using quite a bit of my anti-nausea meds. My energy levels are actually down in the mornings (?) and I’m back up to sleeping 13 hours per night, despite coming off the seroquel xr (except that token 100mg instant before bed - 100mg? So cute!).

My arms and shoulders are so bad that I’m onto the panadol osteo. Which makes me feel a bit like a Grandma. And I’m not sure what it’s supposed to be doing but dad (actual doctor) suggested it. So I’m trying.

I’m slowly coming to the conclusion that this is all completely bogus. Maybe I just don’t wanna eat and I have lousy arms and legs!
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
I’m slowly coming to the conclusion that this is all completely bogus

Dont go that route, it becomes easier to ignore what of body awareness and self preservation is working right, yet.

ergo “discussion” becomes unnecessary.
That will just make it still existing issue.

Worse off, one that doesnt get even talked about.
Your food stuff aint that bad a monster you need to hide it and then hide from it. Its just one other thing you are consulting fellow pros for. Good job communicating. :tup:
 

Sideways

Moderator
Sorry everyone, but I’m discovering the magic of multi-quotes and I think that may be a potential way of nutting out a rough list of issues going on here to out in front of my T, without having to run the whole gauntlet again.

So, issues include:
You may not have a 'full blown' eating disorder, but restricting calorie intake like this is disordered eating, and personally, I think it's important to call it what it is.
Is this an issue?
I also have some level of SI in the background and, while the eating thing isn't deliberate or particularly conscious, it's hard to care enough at times.
I’ve avoided resorting to ordering groceries online, because
Noting use of the word ‘avoidance’ (hehe)
I keep the number of aisles I go down at 5 per trip.
This is a legit issue. Grocery stores make me panic. That directly impacts my ability to adequately shop. Even with a short shopping list prepped in advance, most times I end up skipping an item or 2 on the basis that, once I’m in the store, buying food becomes largely irrelevant compared with getting myself the hell outta there.
I have a part that used to take care of eating for me.
Hmm, I’m not sure how to work with this. I was hyperfunctional and well on my way to a major breakdown at the time.
My parents used to make me cook for the whole family (of 6) as a kid. Had to include meat & 3 veg. Resentment there - they did that because I was a “troublemaker” and needed to be kept occupied.
I end up at my parents place at meal time and they do something heinous like order in pizza, and you have to eat
Same with my sister. And I really resent that. Which isn’t a healthy way to deal with it.
considering higher calories brings on the SI, ya know?
Hmmm. That doesn’t sound healthy. But then, loads of things bring on SI, like “Hey, I’ve woken up and it’s morning. Maybe I should top myself”.
when someone chronically under eats their body gets used to it enough that they don’t feel physically hungry anymore.
This. And I don’t notice physical stuff very well. Would it help to go back to body scan checklist? Sitting here, I’m noticing my back has a burning pain on the lower left side - when did that start?!
Why can't you do a veg smoothie?
Good question. Why does preparing food in any form make me balk? I can clean like a mofo. Why can’t I cook? What is the issue there?
Be kind to your body. Because...really? This can exacerbate your mental problems
Can’t be kind to myself. Nuff said.
It’s happened in stages, although the issues have been around for a long time now.
Yup, been ongoing for years now. Visits to nutritionists and dietician consults in hospital included, as well as home visits by mental health nurse to hassle me about it for a while, which was most unhelpful.

it's so easy to dismiss it as a side-effect of depression, etc.
Because that’s exactly what I think it is.

Do you have any other safe foods that you can add in?
No, and bananas have become ‘unsafe’ again, likely a reaction to the sheer volume of rubbish my sister now has accumulated in the fridge.
Am I seriously blaming my sister for this? Wtf!?
There is now both bananas and apples in the fridge!
Nope, there isn’t any more. Dang.
I’ve swapped over to a better quality shake.
This I do seem to be able to sustain. Is that enough?
Prepping healthy meals is one of those items on my function meter that I aspire to. But
Is it? I’m not sure it is. I don’t want to eat. I don’t aspire to becoming a person who eats. That’s something my head associates with failure rather than progress.
 

siniang

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry, totally off-topic, but you know

I can’t multi-quote. Can’t. Have tried. Have accepted my personal limitations.

Sorry everyone, but I’m discovering the magic of multi-quotes

You actually made me smile. So proud of you for not letting this one go. It apparently bothered you enough to keep trying to figure this out and resolve it, today. Just wanted to point this out, since this seems major. Good job!
 

Sideways

Moderator
Can you be kind to /her/ and eat for 12 yo you?
All good. It’s not really possible to treat the issues without keeping in mind the whole picture.

The current climate with my parts isn’t helping. I was anticipating coming off seroquel would increase communication. Unfortunately, communication is down, switching is up, because of the nearby church issue which I’m having trouble dealing with.

I should be looking after Gracie. Truth is she hated eating as much as I do, and I’m tuning her out as much as possible atm because I’m seriously resentful (that’s how I feel - it’ll pass, hopefully - it is what it is).

I’m not convinced the eating thing is what needs addressing. The SI is seriously fking up my ability to prioritise certain things that look like self care or self compassion. It’s at a “talk yourself out of it” point again, several times a day. Makes sense I couldn’t give a toss about nutrition.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
that look like self care or self compassion.

Ok, so Ill try something else, if eating being self care is the main thing in the way...

What about gaining fuel for self destruct? If you eat, you can do anything better, from that place.
So it doesnt entirely need being talked out of, where I am standing.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
I think maybe using “prepping for death” as a motivator may cause its own problems!

Yeah, will be here for then with Ok, U turn homie, this aint where you are going, with the whole death thing, but for now, gotcha.

Since super slippery slope with that one: If prepping for death can work as a life motivator, what about the tipping point / the one at which things stop being about *also* life along the ride and start being about finishing only, wholly and totally and no f*cks given?

(Wondering how do you know it & what slows you down / alters the course before you hit it. Since when one does is a bit late.)
 

Sideways

Moderator
@Ronin - apparently I have an odd sense of humour. The end of Pet Semetary apparently wasn’t hilarious.

But I am having some joy right now imagining what the Suicide Diet would look like, whether that could be packaged and sold at the pharmacy alongside the boxes of Celebrity Slim shakes...I think there’s an untapped market here worth exploring!!

(And yeah, I’m allowed to joke about it, because it’s how I survive;) )
 
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