SupporterOFbf
New Here
I have been reading the "Supporter Relationships" thread since Saturday, when I went overboard with my anxiety and caused him to completely shut down. My story is not much different from many of the others on here. Yet, it's different because it's mine and his.
The relationship is new, it felt like the fairytale - blah, blah, blah. We talked about everything, we texted/talked on the phone all throughout the day, I think it's fair to say we were both sort of "addicted" to each other. He has experienced several medical traumas and rather fresh out of an emotionally abusive (and perhaps, abusive) relationship, I was transparent with him about my hesitancy to get too involved too fast.
I believe he thought he had done major work to manage his symptoms. After about 5 weeks he began telling me when I tell him he deserves respect, that I support him, or I'd offer help in small ways it made him feel this emotional numbness because he's used to people telling them they'll help but they end up harming him in the end. Therefore, he wanted me to stop offering to help, compliment him, or be supportive because he didn't want to put me in the same category as the other's he's counted on over the years.
He hasn't been able to get a restful sleep for about a year, he has been seeing a pain therapist, he said that he cycles through depression and severe anxiety - panic like symptoms lasting hours at a time --- and he claims he has not told anyone in his family or others close to him because he doesn't want to upset/worry them. Yet, he talked to me about everything, the somatic pain, the "wanting to want to do things," how much he stuffs his feelings around his family, certain friends, etc.
I am an adoptee who has done major work with a therapist to learn ways to manage my abandonment issues. I have learned how to deal with the emotional dysregulation, to "balance me," which is not to say I'm perfect...for the most part, I am aware of my emotions, how/why I'm experiencing them, noticing them, and letting them go.
Now that the context has been set.
When he started pulling away, it was like all of my abandonment issues were triggered - he was able to tell me how he was feeling, we could talk during the day but at night his emotional numbing would intensify, this would cause me anxiety which would lead to text-bombing, repeated phone calls. This past weekend I drove out to his house after he pleaded with me not to because he knew it would not go well. It didn't.
Over a text message two days later, and text bombing from me, I told him that I wasn't going to give up on us until he told me to. He told me to give up via text. He told me to give up and he thought that he'd made it clear when I saw him in person against his will. Our last messages to each other went along the lines of him saying he doesn't want me out of his life, he will reach out to me when he is ready, but he isn't sure that we can reevaluate "us."
I don't know if I'm looking for support or what by writing this thread. I do know that that I feel stupid for not being able to regulate myself, for feeling like I'm in withdrawal from him, and for not being able to take the silence. Any other man, I would not accept this what feels like emotional neglect. And. I'm. Just heartbroken.
The relationship is new, it felt like the fairytale - blah, blah, blah. We talked about everything, we texted/talked on the phone all throughout the day, I think it's fair to say we were both sort of "addicted" to each other. He has experienced several medical traumas and rather fresh out of an emotionally abusive (and perhaps, abusive) relationship, I was transparent with him about my hesitancy to get too involved too fast.
I believe he thought he had done major work to manage his symptoms. After about 5 weeks he began telling me when I tell him he deserves respect, that I support him, or I'd offer help in small ways it made him feel this emotional numbness because he's used to people telling them they'll help but they end up harming him in the end. Therefore, he wanted me to stop offering to help, compliment him, or be supportive because he didn't want to put me in the same category as the other's he's counted on over the years.
He hasn't been able to get a restful sleep for about a year, he has been seeing a pain therapist, he said that he cycles through depression and severe anxiety - panic like symptoms lasting hours at a time --- and he claims he has not told anyone in his family or others close to him because he doesn't want to upset/worry them. Yet, he talked to me about everything, the somatic pain, the "wanting to want to do things," how much he stuffs his feelings around his family, certain friends, etc.
I am an adoptee who has done major work with a therapist to learn ways to manage my abandonment issues. I have learned how to deal with the emotional dysregulation, to "balance me," which is not to say I'm perfect...for the most part, I am aware of my emotions, how/why I'm experiencing them, noticing them, and letting them go.
Now that the context has been set.
When he started pulling away, it was like all of my abandonment issues were triggered - he was able to tell me how he was feeling, we could talk during the day but at night his emotional numbing would intensify, this would cause me anxiety which would lead to text-bombing, repeated phone calls. This past weekend I drove out to his house after he pleaded with me not to because he knew it would not go well. It didn't.
Over a text message two days later, and text bombing from me, I told him that I wasn't going to give up on us until he told me to. He told me to give up via text. He told me to give up and he thought that he'd made it clear when I saw him in person against his will. Our last messages to each other went along the lines of him saying he doesn't want me out of his life, he will reach out to me when he is ready, but he isn't sure that we can reevaluate "us."
I don't know if I'm looking for support or what by writing this thread. I do know that that I feel stupid for not being able to regulate myself, for feeling like I'm in withdrawal from him, and for not being able to take the silence. Any other man, I would not accept this what feels like emotional neglect. And. I'm. Just heartbroken.
