Its me who suffered. You can all say I don't have it but to have your bestfriend almost die in your arms NOT knowing he was trying to kill himself while everyone else just stood there watching, seeing the paramedic intubate him so he can breath, then running to the hospital screaming for someone to tell me that hes still alive while everyone else stayed back and continued to party, to for 7 days living at the hospital watching your bestfriend barely clinging to life with all these tubes attached to him and IVs....then every night when i would go back home, every second that went by I would wonder if he died and I wouldn't find out till the next day. When I would go visit in the morning....imagine feeling that for 7 straight days...the longest 7 days of my life...then he tries hanging himself 2 and a half months later.
Do you know what it feels like to run along side a river to see if your friend is floating and yelling his name scared shitless that you WILL find him? Then reading a message he sends someone that he wishes "I would've left him there because apparently I don't understand". I constantly had such horrible knots in my stomach when I'd be at work, worried he off himself or binge then off himself..every single day for months.
Now hes good....it bugs him that what happens still affects me. Every single day I think about what happened and how scared I felt thinking my best friend was literally going to die. No one around me has looked up PTSD, and if they did I would have a heck of a better time dealing with this. All I get is get over it. I am now depressed, have anxiety and keep all my bad feelings inside, because whats the point if no one really is gonna sit me down and talk to me. To help me instead of just telling me to get over it.
What hurts now, is my friend is selfish and thinks he's super awesome and all I want is my friend back....but he feels that he never mistreated me and I finally said something. That's when everything ended. He is the type that does not want to hear anything negative about himself or his actions..or the fact that all these things he did, he did for attention at a really extreme level to the point where it changes peoples lives. But he doesn't get that. He's fine so everyone else should be fine because he's mister cool guy....so once I said something, he got upset because he didn't want to hear it and hasn't talked to me since. He's the type that runs from his problems till he has no choice but to face them hence the girlfriend.
She's nice and everything but because she's around, why the hell should he care about what I'm doing or even bother talking to me because he's got her now.....so here I am still suffering and after all I've done, he basically straight up shafted me in a second...like, dust off his shoulders, no big deal. He is a sociopath...been diagnosed..so he has zero compassion towards other people...hence where I'm at now.
I helped him when he was in many bad times of need, not just that...and because I said something so little negatively towards him..hes like f u. I don't end friendships that way. I try to fix them and talk them out..because really what I said wasn't really big at all. Lol its a joke really....so the person I adored dearly and cared for so much who literally almost died in my arms...dropped me in a second for the stupidest thing that literally a 2 min conversation would fix. But apparently I'm not worth that time anymore, after everything I had suffered. He doesn't care because hes a sociopath...and it hurts a lot. I just feel so rejected. I don't want nothing from him..wait, I do..I just want 2 mins of his time.
I just want to add, I started to get better around Jan, then got a position in the ICU/CCU in the hospital that I worked at. So ya, 5 days a week I would walk into work to see intubated patients hoked up to IV's...like I did my bestfriend. So everyday was a constant reminder....so please..do.
