My Boyfriend Is A Pro At Avoidance

[Iwanttolovehim]

Thanks TDJ... things have gone from bad to horrible in the last couple days!!! I don't know what to do!

 

[amethist]

Is he in therapy, or on medication.

If no to both, then unfortunately there is nothing you can do for now. You can try and persuade him to go find some help, at the same time find some for yourself too.

He should be actively doing what he can for himself in the way of healing. You are there to support him whilst this is going on, hard as it is.

Setting boundaries of what you will and will not except, is possibly the first thing to do, after that, you take it day by day and even minute by minute.

You need your sleep to work, and he needs the support in the tough times, but a balance has to be found that works for you both.

I hope you find some soon.

Amethist.

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

He's supposed to be in therapy but doesn't go very often and is on med but misses his dosages quite often! The thing that makes this so hard is that all his actions are triggering me to have nightmares like I used to, I haven't had to use my antianxiety meds in a long time but in the last week I've had to use them almost daily! I just dont know what to do cuz whenever I try to talk to him he accuses me of nagging him! And I will tell you that i am not nagging him, he slept for 28 hours the other day and I didnt bother him! I never do! But when I ask him what hes feeling he usually tells me to piss off or answers in some sort of riddle that I don't understand!

 

[amsanders]

I have a similar situation in my life; my fiance a veteran and has severe PTSD- he doesn't talk about it though. My fiance as well sleeps a lot. I mean A LOT. If he could, he would sleep 20 hours every day. It really IS important that you two communicate. Talking is the best therapy. For me, I'll kind of corner my fiance by putting the DVR on pause, or catching him when he's walking to a different room. I'll try to talk about myself and my issues, then try to translate it to him.
Typically, he will start rambling off after a few minutes of me speaking. A lot of times, I never have any idea where any of this is coming from! I had no idea he felt like this every day!

Just keep trying. If he keeps telling you to "piss off," you may want to think about how it makes you feel and if it is worth it. How long have you two been together?

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

Amsanders,

We haven't been together very long, 6 months and due to some circumstance and my huge heart we moved in together! I care a lot about him but he makes everything about him! My feelings are irrelevant as he said lastnight when I confronted him about his 3 day long silent treatment! He says its all my fault, points the finger at me and tells me that I need to change to suite him! I honestly don't know if I can do it anymore! I care so much for him but I deserve respect reguardless of his medical condition!

 

[amethist]

Hi

Sounds like he is shifting the blame, accusing you for what ever, so he does not have to take responsibility for his own action.

As for you changing to suit him, put it to him that meeting in the middle ground is a better option.

Only you can decide whether you can keep going like this, but no one here will accuse you of anything if you do. Not many put up with this treatment for too long, before they break and call it quits.

Oh and before anyone tells you it is all about him and you should respect his needs, tell them it is a 2 way street, and so far he is treating it as "One way only".

We can care and love the people they truly are, but when they let PTSD rule their lives and use it as an excuse for everything, then they are way out of order. This is the part we do not love, and if this is all you see for the most part, then listen to your head not your heart, see what answers you get then.

Take care of you first.

Amethist

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

Thanks Amethyst,

You know I have been doing some reading lately and am quite appalled at how many books out there tell you to dismiss their actions bcause its just the disease talking! I mean if you cheat on you spouse to prove to yourself that you are still sexual you are still a cheater!!! AAArgh there is so many different things to sift through now compared to when I was diagnosed with the disorder! I think thats whats making me the most irritated is the fact that I am a sufferer too and he knows that I know how he feels sometimes, he chooses to ignore that fact and it infuriates me because hes minimizing my emotions! I'm allowed to feel is what I told him and then I told him that hes not allowed to make me regret my feelings! OOOh this is such a difficult place to be in!

 

[amsanders]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I've had awful past relationships- every single one, in fact. Trust me, you WILL meet the guy that is understanding and truly cares about you and your feelings. You just have to wait it out. good things come to those who wait. You connect with him on a level that you don't with anyone you have ever met before, but you will.

Maybe this is just not the right time for a relationship for either of you. Maybe you need to work on yourselves (or maybe he just needs to work on himself) to be able to fully appreciate someone like you.

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

Well something I said must have clicked because he was very appoligetic and upset with himself lastnight when he got home! He said to me that he just couldn't understand why he is so mean to me sometimes because he doesnt want to be but it just happens like he has no control! I believe this is progress as he has recognized that something isnt right and that he needs help to fix it... tonight I think I will talk to him about uping his therapy and getting myself into some more indepth therapy!