Sexual Assault My Dad Knew... Need Support. Thanks.

[chant2012]

I posted this on another survivor forum 5 days after my most recent r*pe in September 2012. The forum was entitled, "Sexual Assault in the Presence of Loved Ones"

This is what I said,
"I think I fit in here. I want to throw up... I am so scared...
Does this count???.... My dad was in the room, as was another friend and his 11 year old son, but they were all asleep while I was being r*ped.... They were asleep though.... Does this still count?

I HATE this. I hate me.

Chantel ♥"

Another user replied basically that it counts and that she supports me. Validation. It felt nice.


So, today, I just posted this in reply to her reply to my post (that's a mouthful haha)...

"Since then I have found out my dad wasn't actually asleep. He was awake and heard it happening. He told me this himself.

I am remembering almost all of it now... He actually said something to the effect of, "Chantel, what is going on over there?" Or something like that... he says I said, "Dad, don't come over here please. Just stay away. Leave me alone!!!"... So, he said that I'm just as much at fault as his friend because he gave me an 'out' and I didn't take it and rather told him to NOT intervene. But, I was sooooooo ashamed and embarrassed.... He is still friends with this guy... :goingtocry:

As much as I wanted it to stop, I couldn't let him see it happening. I didn't know he knew what was happening and I wanted to keep it that way.

Such shame... I couldn't let him know... So he's right. It is my fault in some way.
Also, I got up and went outside with dad and then went right back and laid down in the same spot I was when it happened!!! What the hell was I thinking? I mean, I was still super drunk and not thinking clearly... but still... Not that going back over to where it happened really took away from the fact that he r*ped me... but my dad says I must not have been that upset or I would have screamed or went to another part of the room, not back to where is happened. He said this was my way of wanting more. Or at least it appeared that way to him.

He also said that I must have enjoyed it because judging from the sounds I was making, I liked it.... *hides under a rock* :vomit:

How embarrassing!!!!!!! I was stifling screams so no one would hear and know... :cry: Maybe it did feel good physically and maybe I did react I don't know for sure... But me being so drunk, maybe I did moan and I just wasn't aware due to my drunkenness, but I did NOT enjoy it... :(

 

[chant2012]

Just not sure what to think about it all...
Hugs, prayers, and any replies GREATLY appreciated.
Thanks. Blessings. <3

~Chantel~

 

[Lucycat]

Chantel,

I know it feels good to get validation from others, but what is more important is that you believe in yourself. Whether or not - to an onlooker - you appeared and sounded to be enjoying sex is irrelevant. The body has reflexes that respond to sexual touch etc that are outwith your control. Your being drunk or not does not excuse what he did.

I am horrified that a father could ignore this, even if he didn't realise it was rape. What normal man would watch and listen to his daughter having sex?

Would you accept an adult child of yours having sex in a room with you watching/listening? I am pretty sure I would not!!

 

[chant2012]

No, I would not!!! It just makes me upset. Dad got back from an ice fishing trip with this guy... He will always be friends with him.
Anyway, thanks Brucie. (((((((((Hugs for you)))))))))

 

[therapybankrupt]

Chant

Brucielucy is so right. Your dad should have pulled him off you and beat the daylights out of him. My opinion. You know in your heart what happened. You do not need others to confirm what you know. It was not your fault. This man took advantage of you.

TB

 

[chant2012]

(((((((TB)))))))) If ok. Thank you. Blessings. Short on words. I am leaning towards thinking he never will be on 'my side'. I used to have a lot of hope but I don't anymore. It's almost gone... Anyway, thank you. <3

 

[therapybankrupt]

I hope this does not bother you but something is wrong with that. I am sorry for you. Maybe it is something you need to just move on from? I know there are others on here that did not have family support and could give you ideas on how to deal with this type of situation. How you cope?:hug:

 

[timid]

I can not imagine what you have been through! I am incredibly sorry you had to go through this! Your dad needs to acknowledge the fact that it happened and he needs to apologize! Perhaps that may help you a bit..if he can not then moving away from that environment would be the best option, no need to see bastard's face!

 

[chant2012]

Yes, TB, it hard and it's ok to say that it's not right, because it's not. How do I cope? I cope by writing, going to church, T, reading my Bible and praying, my negative coping mechanisms are SI, and drinking.

Timid, thank you for the reply. And Yes, everyone who knows my story in RL, says i need to move out. The thing is, my dad is so kind to Me, so is my mom. They are the best in so many ways. So, it's confusing because it's not all bad and awful.