My Ex-wife

[Stickler]

Really messed me up.
She treated me like I was stupid and ruined my self-confidence.
She ignored me unless she felt like she needed me, and was not able to give me what I needed.
She was asexual and in denial; I disgusted her.
I learned that I was disgusting.

I loved her and trusted her, surely she must know who I am better than anyone?

I am unearthing all this anger, sadness...and shame that I let her do this to me... four years after the divorce.

I hate her right now. It seems petty and stupid to hate her 4 years post divorce, but...I was a very adventurous, open person, and she broke me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hate her right now. It seems petty and stupid to hate her 4 years post divorce, but...I was a very adventurous, open person, and she broke me

I feel for you. Yet as your friend I have to tell you that you will get back all she took from you and more.

I was a full time caregiver for my husband who had dementia and he could get really cruel at times. I realize the situation is not the same as your, yet four years later, I am getting myself back the way I was before so do not lose hope in getting yourself back.

I have spent so many years of pure venomous hatred of them and they broke me.

Finally I was able to move so far away from them and it has taken such a long time to heal from the damage they caused to me and to my Family.

i just want to leave you with some hope if you are interested.:hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[BlueOrange]

Feeling angry while you're in the relationship would probably have been worse than feeling it after. And losing your composure during the breakup would probably have sucked.

Sometimes, we don't have resources we need to safely feel the feelings until a long time after the event. I'm still discovering feelings from my divorce, 10 years later.

 

[Stickler]

I am afraid to ask for what I need. I asked for what I needed with her?

She's high functioning Asperger's.

She told me she felt very stressed and overloaded at the attention she did give me, which was very little. I spent a lot of time waiting around hoping she'd pay attention to me...:(
She said I was her whole world...but then she could not be bothered to care for me.

@gizmo, Alzheimer's tends to eat the nice parts of a person. :( :hug:

 

[BlueOrange]

"Couldn't be bothered" might not be the reason you didn't get what you need. But clearly, you didn't get what you need, and you had a reason to believe that you would get it. Anger is inevitable in that situation, be we tend not to be taught constructive ways to deal with anger :(

 

[Stickler]

I had a hope I would get my needs met.

As the relationship went on, I had to be more and more " just right " in my behavior to get crumbs of affection. I seemed to spend a lot of time waiting and hoping she would choose to pay attention to me.

I was sick, depressed, working and going to school.
So I was very difficult to live with, and she did not want to go out by herself.
She hated having sex with me, I really wish I had stopped trying.
I feel ashamed about that, I thought if I kept trying I'd find out how to do it right? because I'm pretty good at sex.

No. There was no right way...I feel shitty and ashamed. Also angry at myself and her.

 

[BlueOrange]

That sounds like torture. I doubt that she intended to torture you, but I have no doubt that you were tortured.

You deserved better :(

 

[Stickler]

No, she was just selfish.
Not malicious...she had ( presumably has )very little emotional intelligence. So she didn't connect her behavior with how horrible I felt.
She would micromanage my behavior, and insist she had to supervise anything I did?
I kept telling her this was hurting me, wrecking my initiative, my self-esteem...She didn't stop.

Anything I needed was either not important or actively fought against, depending on how she felt about it. I sort of tried to become what she wanted...and it did not get me what I needed.

Torture's a bit much.
I think my childhood had bits of torture, this was just...an emotional desert I spent a decade lost in.

 

[BlueOrange]

I think I can relate. When someone feels that they need to be in control, and doesn't listen well, it can be a disaster.

I feel motivated to defend my use of the word 'torture', but I doubt there's much value in a semantic debate. You were deeply hurt and you were trapped. That sucks.

 

[Stickler]

You were deeply hurt and you were trapped. That sucks

Yep. :hug: if ok.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Stickler I'm not trying to offend you or your situation in any way at all...... but people with aspergers don't show very much emotion at all. They are selfish, because they don't really understand that they aren't supposed to act that way. They are clueless to most social settings and how they should behave. They don't get social clues like people without aspergers. They say inappropriate things at very inappropriate times. They don't show much love or affection.

Many are also OCD, so is it possible that when she was micro managing your behavior, it was just her OCD kicking in??

I have a grandson that has aspergers and basically that pretty much sums up his behacior....

 

[Stickler]

@She Cat
Oh, I think a lot of it wasn't malicious on her part. And honestly, I am only -pretty sure- she has Asperger's...she could not read body language. I told her "the trash can is full," and she nodded, said, "ok, why are you telling me this?"
The indirect request to empty the trash went right over her head, she was responding to the words only.

If she had OCD it was not diagnosed, but...well...she had to do stuff in an exceedingly precise way?
And she pretty much would start a huge argument if I didn't do things the precise way she thought they should be done.
Now, I repeatedly TOLD HER this behavior was hurting me. I felt belittled. She never stopped.
So she was repeatedly told she was hurting me, and I was told that about the way i felt:" you should not feel that way, I'm just trying to be helpful."
...I eventually just figured I was stupid?
I mean, if you have to step in to prevent someone from doing something wrong all the time, then that person must be really not quite all there, you know?

She seemed to grow repulsed by me over the course of the marriage? I was far too much work, I needed too much attention.
I kept trying to touch her, and she'd cringe...I'd try to chat and she'd get angry at me for interrupting or for just confusing her.

Why is it a problem now?
I feel horrible and ashamed of myself for asking for attention. I am afraid of people.
I am ashamed of needing anything emotional from anyone.