• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

My experience & chronic shame

And that is all so much manipulated bullshit. Unlearning is not harder than what we had to experience for all the wrong reasons.

Thank you for this, I latched onto this part because I've been told over and over again that healing will be harder than what I went through, and in some ways it's harder, but nothing will be worse than all of that, than experiencing what we've experienced and being forced to normalize it.
It’s so hard to allow the responsibility for what happened to fall on the men who did this to me, because my entire life has been about how *I* need to be responsible for myself, for my actions & their consequences....
Very hard to unlearn those lessons.
yep. As you wander thru the diaries you will see this over and over -- how people finally understand they were never to blame. It's really hard to get past that programming (and yes - it's programming) but it is doable!

Great start to your diary!
"And being forced to normalize it".... you already have some of your answers!!! But isn't it interesting, that something in us always KNEW that it wasn't normal. And maybe that 'knowing' got so beaten down that the voice was small, telling us otherwise, we somehow, still heard it.

And here you are, slaying dragons. So glad you are here!! :hug:'s if you accept.
Alright so I havent been here in a few months. For a while, I felt that I was doing really good?

Over the holiday, I had my first consensual sexual experience. And for a while, I was so proud of myself for "getting over" my fears. But the guy I slept with was much MUCH older than me, and during it I felt too afraid to ask him to use protection. For a while I was telling myself that it wasn't a big deal, that I really had wanted to have sex with someone, but i realize now that I jumped the gun. I was so eager to prove that I could have "consensual" sex that I did it even though it actually made me afraid and uncomfortable. Now I'm having flashbacks to that every time I think about having sex, and it's becoming just as intrusive as my trauma flashbacks are!!!!! Ugh! I feel like he definitely used me and it just makes me more disgusted with myself.

And over the holidays, something else started making me feel unsafe too. I saw my younger brother for the first time in a long while, and we played video games together a lot, and it was fine for a while.

But when he watched me playing, he'd keep trying to put his head in my lap. Multiple times, he'd have his dick out of his underwear when he was sitting with me (bc he just wears them around everywhere) and I'd have to tell him to put it away. Or he'd be casually touching himself and I'd have to tell him to cut it out. He's only 15, I don't necessarily feel like he's doing it on... Purpose? But now I'm really (maybe irrationally) afraid that my younger brother wants to have sex with me or something. It disgusts me that I even think of him as a danger right now. It really, really does. But I don't feel safe around him right now, and that makes me upset.

TLDR: had my first "consensual" sexual experience, regret it immensely. I didn't even actually want it. December was good until it wasn't, and now I'm afraid of my younger brother on top of everything. I'm just very unsure of my recovery right now. It was easier before, when all I knew was getting hurt.

Too many moving variables now... Lol.
I've been experiencing a lot of avoidance lately. Taking naps a lot to avoid real life. Watching porn instead of interacting with my actual partner because real intimacy scares me too much. It's something I'm trying to be open about, but it's difficult. Something triggered me really badly the other day-- I feel like it sent me back to when shit was darker, and it's hard to crawl out of this hole I've dug at the moment. It's this cyclical thought process over and over in my head: so many people are abused and hurt, why do I get to wallow for my entire life over what's over and done with???

Maybe I'm still wallowing because I've yet to legitimately process everything. It still feels crappy.

On top of that, I was remembering a lot of really inappropriate stuff from my childhood. It's no wonder I ended up being abused, with how my family worked. Everything was always so hyper-sexualized, and now look and how that turned out. God.
I'm in another funk. Definitely being triggered more by the things happening around me. Again, I'm doubting that what happened to me was even bad enough to get me to spiral this bad. I've done worse to myself as a "consenting" adult than what was ever done to me as a child, yet I still feel such strong self hatred towards the younger version of myself

And it seems like the doctors I talk to don't take what happened to me seriously either, so I have to omit or keep it vague. Since I was never touched or raped I seem to get blank looks when I tell them I have ptsd. Makes me wonder if I'm just being too dramatic. And that makes me spiral further. Lol.