Alright so I havent been here in a few months. For a while, I felt that I was doing really good?
Over the holiday, I had my first consensual sexual experience. And for a while, I was so proud of myself for "getting over" my fears. But the guy I slept with was much MUCH older than me, and during it I felt too afraid to ask him to use protection. For a while I was telling myself that it wasn't a big deal, that I really had wanted to have sex with someone, but i realize now that I jumped the gun. I was so eager to prove that I could have "consensual" sex that I did it even though it actually made me afraid and uncomfortable. Now I'm having flashbacks to that every time I think about having sex, and it's becoming just as intrusive as my trauma flashbacks are!!!!! Ugh! I feel like he definitely used me and it just makes me more disgusted with myself.
And over the holidays, something else started making me feel unsafe too. I saw my younger brother for the first time in a long while, and we played video games together a lot, and it was fine for a while.
But when he watched me playing, he'd keep trying to put his head in my lap. Multiple times, he'd have his dick out of his underwear when he was sitting with me (bc he just wears them around everywhere) and I'd have to tell him to put it away. Or he'd be casually touching himself and I'd have to tell him to cut it out. He's only 15, I don't necessarily feel like he's doing it on... Purpose? But now I'm really (maybe irrationally) afraid that my younger brother wants to have sex with me or something. It disgusts me that I even think of him as a danger right now. It really, really does. But I don't feel safe around him right now, and that makes me upset.
TLDR: had my first "consensual" sexual experience, regret it immensely. I didn't even actually want it. December was good until it wasn't, and now I'm afraid of my younger brother on top of everything. I'm just very unsure of my recovery right now. It was easier before, when all I knew was getting hurt.
Too many moving variables now... Lol.