My Feelings Were Hurt But She Was Right

[Forgetful]

Last week my husband and youngest daughter ( she's 21 ) went to the movies. I wasn't asked to go. When they got back home I asked why I wasn't invited. She said because they prep purchased and didn't want to waste the money because I usually back out at the last minute.

I've been doing that for many years. Leaving the house is difficult for me. It is easier to blame it on my physical health than my mental health. My family all know I've been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression and what my trauma was. I don't know how much they understand about my mental health as its not discussed. I am tired of explaining my symptoms so I blame it on my physical health.

I don't imagine it was easy to tell me the truth about why I wasn't asked so I give her a lot of credit. I do this often and I don't like it. I always feel bad about cancelling but it is just a lot less stressful. I've tried to not let her words hurt me but the truth hurts sometimes. I will bring this up to my T later today. Hopefully I get some ideas for changing this behavior so I can not disappoint them anymore.

 

[natalya]

Aw. That would just destroy me. You're very brave. I would just throw a 3 yr old tantrum and not speak and just be a sour puss for a week or until something goes my way.

 

[Bedbug]

I understand your fears about leaving the house. It is incredibly stressful for me too. Can you make yourself little dares to slowly increase your "range"? Going to the movies would be a total impossibility for me at the moment, but I can imagine it as a future dare.

I started by daring to step out of the back door with my husband, spending longer and longer in the back garden with him beside me, going out there for shorter periods on my own, going out of the front door with my husband, walking the length of the street and back holding his hand, walking further and without holding his hand, going on drives with him, going to the shops together, going out on my own as far as the front gate, walking to the end of the street alone, walking further...

What can you manage at the moment? Can you dare yourself to do a little bit more? Only a tiny bit more each time. It will build up, as will your confidence. Can you involve your husband and your daughter?

Have you thought about why you are afraid to leave the house? For me, there are lots of reasons. I'm scared of sensory overload. New things, unexpected things, fast things. I don't cope well with those. I'm scared people will speak to me and I won't be able to speak back. I'm scared they can see straight through me to the craziness in my head. I'm scared I'll have a flashback and start acting out. I'm scared I'll forget what I'm doing or where I'm going and burst into tears in the middle of the road. I'm scared I'll start to panic. Identifying my fears was the first step towards working on them. I am gradually getting better.

Speak to your T about your fears and ways to manage your anxiety. Reward yourself each time you achieve something. It will be hard work but you can do this!

 

[Echo]

Hugs to you, @Snafu and @Bedbug; I'm another one who finds it really hard to keep to any social commitments at all. It is so hard for friends and family not to take it personally and not to give up on us. As @Bedbug says, we just have to keep challenging ourselves, I guess within our capabilities. I find I can get in my car and drive somewhere safe, but going into the city or elsewhere to a teeming mass of people and an unknown destination, with no fixed sense of when I will be leaving to come home in my car, is just impossible. It has got worse during the winter, too. Darkness turns out to be a major trigger and I can't be outside on my own. My first experience of it was leaving a friend in a car park to climb into my car, only to find that the 10 minute drive home, that I have driven for years and years was utterly foreign to me. I completely lost my memory of it; I just didn't recognise where I was. I was terrified and this has severely limited what I am prepared to do.

 

[Forgetful]

I've never really thought about the reasons why it is so difficult for me. The biggest fears are feeling so exposed and vulnerable. At least I can relax ( sort of ) at home. When I'm out in public all my defenses are up and finding any peace, comfort, or relaxation is completely impossible.

Another big one is fear of people and a fear of having a conversation with anybody. I have almost no short term memory thanks to ECT treatments 3 years ago. Sometimes finding the correct words is difficult causing embarrassment and feeling stupid and being incapable of following the conversation. This may lead to a need to explain myself and again looking for the right words.

I currently force myself to go out town daily but due to memory problems I write a list of where I'm going and what I need to do at each place. I will try to extend my outings by an extra 10-15 minutes.

Thank you for the words of encouragement.

 

[Bedbug]

I think it's really important to think about the reasons why you are afraid to go out. Once you know this, you can start to come up with coping strategies.

I had to work really hard on learning relaxation techniques before I could even think about going outside. Ask your therapist to teach you some skills and practice them.

I am only just starting to venture out alone and, like you, I dread bumping into anyone who might want to talk. Rather than avoiding people altogether (which means avoiding outside altogether), I am forcing myself to risk it but I have already planned to get out of any conversations that stress me too much by pretending my phone vibrates in my pocket and I have to take the call, or saying "Sorry, I'm running late, I can't stop." If I can't get that many words out, or they are coming out garbled and I am embarrassed, I can just say "migraine" and leave. Knowing that I have several "getaway plans" as a coping strategy has given me the courage to get out there. I have surprised myself by managing a few short conversations.

See if you can come up with strategies that might help you to feel more comfortable in difficult situations. You already have a good strategy for coping with your memory problems (writing lists). Are there any ways you can think of to feel more relaxed and comfortable rather than exposed and vulnerable? I hide under a big coat and hat. I imagine a forcefield around me. I carry a tissue with a few drops of lavender oil on it that remind me of my bedroom. Use your imagination. Be creative. Be determined.

 

[TakeTheBaggage]

Oh my God! Thanks for posting this! I do this same thing and thought I was just depressed. I will look forward to doing something, something a lot of fun. Then, once the event is at hand, I don't want to do it. Wow. It's PTSD! Thank you!