My Head Knows... Why Don't I?

[7Cs]

Feeling triggered (appropriate use of the term trigger) by my son right now.
Rejection/ abandonment issues.

The thing is... I know in my head that in part his behavior is relatively normal as well as age appropriate and I have done nothing wrong. That most likely he's not rejecting me, that I'm a good mom most of the time - and never a truly bad mom.

So why does my body feel dejected and broken and sickened and pictures of suicide pop into my head... phrases like "I should just die." whispered.

But I don't want to die. This is NOT that big of a deal. I'm ok and this too shall pass. And come back and then pass and repeat repeat repeat.

 

[Cavegirl]

I struggle with this too. Sometimes I look at everything in my life and get overwhelmed. I think my mind is in the "habit" of thinking suicide. I'm not really suicidal, but that thought pops up several times a month, sometimes more. I just tell myself, that's a reaction, not how I really feel and distract myself. Good luck.

 

[ladee]

For me, it's because no one on the planet has the power to rip my guts out like my son can... We give something to our kids that we give no one else. We are vulnerable and open to our kids... We don't think we have to protect our self from our own kids. There is no one who can hurt me like he can. Doesn't matter if they don't mean it... or it will pass... for this space in time, we are hurt and it does 'trigger' all sorts of stuff with us... because we don't think we have to put our defenses up like we do around others.
Don't know the age of your son, but I know I have to have very firm boundaries with mine and he is a grown man. And I mean FIRM boundaries... he has finally 'got it'.... Because today, I will go temporary no contact with him if he is hell bent on making me pay for something that happened a hundred years ago... don't know if that helps... but yes, it does hurt... and age appropriate or not.... he doesn't get to hurt you without consequences....
Decide how you want to handle this... and set it in motion... it will take time because he thinks it's ok . And it's good practice for setting boundries with others.. so I understand... but still take care of yourself with this.

 

[sun seeker]

So why does my body feel dejected and broken and sickened and pictures of suicide pop into my head... phrases like "I should just die." whispered.

Because you're triggered.

I don't know what's going on, or how old your son is... but is there a way you can take a break for a little while? Is he young enough to need a babysitter, and do you have one available? It sounds like you need some time around non-triggering situations, to give yourself some perspective and remember you are a good person, before you face the situation again with renewed energy. Our kids aren't responsible for our self-esteem, and they certainly will trigger us. It's almost like it's part of their job description. But, you can't be supermom, and even parents who don't have PTSD need time off sometimes.

 

[mamachick]

7C's-First I want to say:

So why does my body feel dejected and broken and sickened and pictures of suicide pop into my head... phrases like "I should just die." whispered.
This is NOT that big of a deal. .

This is a big deal. I have been where you are and think the same about myself, but when I hear another share this awful feeling, I know it IS a BIG deal.
I want you to know that I am not pushing issue with judgement. I am only concerned about your feeling that way. Thoughts of "I should just die" when suicide pops into head is not something to take lightly. I am glad you are sharing your feelings and not acting on them. It sounds like you are not to point of serious consideration and that is good, but I think most of us on the forum are so use to that thought and sometimes almost think it is normal, and it is in a way, its normal for our circumstances. Glad you are using repeated positive self talk.

Your son, how old is he? Even before I had ptsd, my daughter gave me a huge run for my money and I always wrote it off as not that unusual for her age as she started around age 15. ( I had trauma when she was 20 and was then diagnosed). Although I may have had some ptsd symptoms throughout my life, not sure. These kids get older and smarter at their behaviors so I am saddened when kids dont treat parents well. I know that I was somewhat defined (still am) by being a good mother-that is serious stuff. Particularly if we got ptsd during our youth. One daughter was beating me down, but I have 3 children and the combination of behaviors was draining for me, then an accident, then ptsd was the nail in the coffin. (one has learning disability, one is bi polar and addict and was in lots of trouble, and the meanest was the smartest over achiever). Because she did much good with her life, I excused a lot. My life depended on my being a good mother. Who gets to define that? With exhaustion and ptsd, I bought her story. Then she retracted and started being kinder, but I could never get all the stuff out of my head.

After that, all I could remember is all the mean things she did to me. She is a brat. I love her very much and she is 28 now and survived, but her behavior was unacceptable then and it is unacceptable now. I would rather die on my feet than live on my knee's. I was living on my knee's with her. I think when we start questioning if we are good parents because how our children treat us, we might be headed for trouble. Either they are behaving badly (regardless of age) or our expectations are skewed. Either way, it may be time to seek help before things get worse. I wish I would have drug her to counseling when I had the authority to do so. Now she is an attorney in the city where I live and although she never claimed any abuse, she makes me out to be nuts and tries to ruin anything I do to get better. She plays games. She is full of anger and I do not know why and cant help her but she gained 200 lbs. We are estranged and it is very sad. I know in my head…..just like you are saying, but I over compensated because of divorce and change in socioeconomic situation. My heart breaks every day and if I ever completed suicide, it would be because of this broken heart, not the ptsd event or events. I know as a mother, the only thing that would cause that is when the feelings hijack me and that scares the hell out of me.

 

[ladee]

@brat17, I so understand what you are saying !! Since my son is my only 'family', I have, in the past, let his treatment of me, define my worth. I was so beat down by not knowing how to navigate life, all the PTSD monsters eating at my brain and soul... he could send me to suicide thoughts in a heartbeat. Until I learned how much power I had given him to 'make' me do or feel anything.
I have worked very hard on my self in regard to my son. For too many years to count, my mantra was what a f*cked up MOM I was, and still am, in the World According to J.... He has his own issues. Not all brought about by me, the horrible unstable mom...And I bought into every painful thing said and done.
I can't say when things really started to change for me. Doesn't matter really, I just know that I looked up one day and realized I allowed a lot of it because I didn't want to be totally alone in this world... the irony being, I was already alone. It's not like people who treat us that way honor or cherish our presence in their lives..so I was already alone.
I do remember the major turning point. I am a fighter by nature... and I remember thinking... I would not allow, under any circumstances , for any one else to treat me the way he did, or say the things he said.... and I went No Contact for a very long time with him. I would get voicemails , ect... got to where I didn't even listen to them... and for every day that I didn't have my brain twisted by his voice, his opinions, his blah blah blah.... I got a little healthier with the whole issue...
It didn't happen overnight.... but with the distance and him not in my face.... I got very clear with what I will put up with and what I won't.... I learned I can and do , love him from a distance. I will always love him, doesn't mean I have to like him...
Things are much better now... but when I set those boundaries.... they are set in stone. Has his view of me changed? I really don't know or care anymore... MY view of me has precedent.
We talk on the phone, we visit, but I am different. If it starts getting personal in a negative way, I'm out. He's not the only one I've taken my power back from, but he was the hardest... ya know... that 'mama heart' thing that distorts our view.... It was worth every tear and every heartache to get here... and I AM worth it.

 

[mamachick]

ladee-Wow, you are so strong. You are very inspiring. As my health declined and my social world closed in, it was my children that was priority until I had little else left, so I know what you mean. It sounds like you have really grown and gotten stronger through all of this and I applaud you, it is the hardest thing I think we ever have to do. I have not seen my daughter in almost 3 years, and many tears. I am now to the point that Im not sure I would want her back in my life if she begged, she has been that manipulative. I have not recovered so much as you, but I have too much to lose Im afraid. Any you know what, you are worth it. I only wish I had someone like myself as a mother. I didnt, but Im worth it too! Thank you for sharing this. It really means more than you know.

 

[ladee]

@brat17, I don't know if I'm strong. I certainly questioned that while going thru taking back my power from the one person left who could destroy me. But we are some of the strongest people on the planet !!! We are here, trying to get our life together. Isn't it amazing, that our kids have the power that none of our abusers had....to dismantle us , piece by piece, just with their words and attitudes....
Well, we had to pick up the pieces of our life and journey on.... and so do they.... or not... we get to rip off the TeeShirt that says... I Am The Victim.... and put one on that says, Don't Mess With Mom !!!
Gentle hugs for you.... I wonder sometimes if my son is even capable of walking where I have walked.... guess that part is up to him... Hang tough..... we ARE worth it...

 

[mamachick]

Thank you ladee. Yes we have had to overcome so much, and I have real problem with the fact that I had really shitty parents and I was a pretty good mom. My daughter is quite successful professionally, and I delayed my education until my kids were half raised and then worked around them. She is a lot like me as far as being outgoing and motivated. (me not any more). My T said she is the person that I would be if I had a good mother like me. lol I could not treat anyone the way she has treated me though. On the other hand, I know she is a very hurt young lady with extreme anger issues. Maybe it is just from growing up in the ME generation. Hugs to you and stay strong!

 

[LostInCPTSD]

Feeling triggered (appropriate use of the term trigger) by my son right now.
Rejection/ abandonment issues....

I so can understand - I have 10 yr old son with autism but it's my 14 yr old daughter - I go from being so proud of myself and the job I'm doing and all I do for my children then next minute something is said (or not said) and I suddenly spiral into thinking I'm terrible father and useless beyond repair and they don't need me and I don't need me so why even keep fighting so hard - I'm exhausted - I can relate and bless you and you are in my thoughts and I am hoping you feel better really soon - you sound like a great Mother!! Take care & stay strong we are all behind you in support!!

 

[7Cs]

For me, it's because no one on the planet has the power to rip my guts out like my son can... We give som...

My T has said that I need to work on my boundaries too. I'm not sure what that means. I'm very open and wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak so maybe that's what she means?

My son is 5. He has adhd and they thought he had dysfunctional mood dysregulation disorder but I'm thinking that's not quite right or that he's growing out of it. But he can be very mean and callous and oppositional. It's hard when your young child is like that. It saddens me that we have very few happy times together.

 

[7Cs]

I so can understand - I have 10 yr old son with autism but it's my 14 yr old daughter - I go from b...

Thank you.

We are all doing the best we can. :)