My Heart Is Broken And I Now Know Mother Has The Answers To My Lost Memories, She Just Won't Discuss

[Grama-Herc]

Last evening we were watching a program on TV and the host started a discussion on panic/anxiety disorder. The host gave an excellent description of how this feels and I asked mother if she understood me a little better. She replied with a firm "Yes, I do"

I mistakenly took this as an opportunity to explain some of the things I did in my past life, as I call it!(pre diagnosis/meds/therapy) I was quickly told ''Hush, I want to hear this''. The sad part is the TV host had moved on to a completely different subject.

That hurt me so bad and then the anger set in. I now know that I will never know WHY I have Amnesia unless my painful and shattered memories come back on their own. I am so angry and resentful and hurt and just plain PI$$ED. ! :mad: I have always felt that my mother knew what happened to me but just won't tell. I '''almost''' hate her for this and I refuse to feel guilty for this feeling. My life has been a complete disaster because of what happened to me---whatever that was. The relationship with my daughter was permanently damaged since she was raised by an unbalanced, undiagnosed, (mentally)ill parent. I've been unable to have a meaningful relationship with anyone during the entire course of my life. No friends and 4 failed marriages prove this.

I've been in therapy and I've even been committed to a treatment center, hoping things would fall into place for me and some sort of relief would come. Nothing worked. The only relief I've managed to get is due to medications to keep my $hit under some kind of control.

And this old woman knows the secret and just won't tell me. She refuses to discuss anything remotely connected to whatever happened to me. I hate her for that. Now don't misunderstand. I love my mother and I am blessed/thankful she is still in my life since she is 88 yo.

 

[wallflower]

I am also missing memories and my mom told me that she doesn't remember either (due to substance abuse). I imagine that if she did remember, she may be in denial or too ashamed to tell the truth. Maybe your mother can't face the truth herself. I'm not sure why, but I'm not angry. I would never expect her be a good parent because I don't think she's capable of giving to anyone but herself. I have accepted this, and if anything, it makes me sad that I never had a "real" mother and my kids will never have the grandmother that they deserve. Hopefully you can find a way to be at peace with her and enjoy the time that you have with her.

 

[Hashi]

I understand your frustration. I believe several of my family members have knowledge about what happened to me that I don't have (I've had amnesia and there's a lot I still don't remember). I have to say though, following on from wallflower's post, that I wouldn't trust their version of events anyway.

I think if someone was willing to have a discussion with me about it, that would have happened long ago. They haven't wanted to face the truth themselves, are very likely in denial to some extent and could be harbouring any feelings about it - blaming themselves, blaming me, wanting to "change" the truth to protect me, anything. Who knows? All I feel certain of is that their version of events would be biased and unreliable. I doubt it would be the truth, even if they intended it to be.

I've found the memories come back on their own when we have resources and strength to start dealing with them. It can take years or decades. When I first started recovering memories (after many years of desperation and destructive living) it was because of things that were now in place that I hadn't had before, like ways of understanding and expressing myself. If someone else had told me what happened, it would just have been their words that I might or might not have believed (probably not). I needed to remember for myself.

 

[Dissociated1]

(My apologies for posting before my intro. I have been working on that all week but this struck such a cord with me I had to reply.)

My Mother is in a nursing home and she still has enough wits about herself to keep up her guard. She and I are virtually the only ones left in the entire family and aside from me and my wife, she will never see anyone else again. I just can't understand who she is still keeping the big secret from or why she feels she needs to take whatever she knows with her to her grave. I am at my wits end; have gone through the family albums page by page with her for some clue, asked, begged pleaded for her to give me something, anything. The closest I get to an answer is "whatever it was happened a long time ago. You need to let it go."

 

[Froggie]

I know I can't rely on my mother ... before and now ... she was diagnosed bipolar, she's an alcoholic, she doesn't assume her acts and transferts the acts on others, she feels tons and tons of shame (untold), she was diagnosed with the start of dimentia at her last suicide attempt in 2008. And she probably has undiagnosed PTSD from what happened to her as a child during World War 2. So no way to get something concret and I have to let the memories come to surface. Can't ask my father as he past away in 1988.

Understand all your frustrations when the parent has the capacity to tell ((((Grama Herc, Hashi, Wallflower & Dissociated1))))

 

[The Albatross]

My mother (73 now) has denied, shushed, told me to get over it for 50 years... she is just now realizing that she has bigger blank spots than I do. That her memory of events has some elements of fantasy at times. She survived my dad's abuse and has a bit more resiliency than I do... she didn't go on to more abuse in another relationship like I did. What my mom does actually remember, she tends to minimize and excuse the behavior of others (my dad, my brother) and tell me to just "get over it" (like we can?). She glosses over these things and chirps being satisfied with her life and what she is doing. She is perfectly content to be in the moment and it is something that I personally find to be difficult. She started "recovery" for binge eating behavior the end of May... and has been realizing how bad some of the stuff we had to live with and through really was... but I doubt, and do not expect any validation from her. It just isn't something she is capable of. I pretty much quit asking when she was in her mid to late 60's.

I understand the anger and frustration Gramma-Herc. The woman I see, though I love her, is less a mother, and more like just anybodies elderly relative. I try to think of her that way... just an elderly relative who is chirpy, busy and content... and not to disturb or upset her. My mom's world has been shaped with herself squarely in the center of her universe.... what's going on with me is viewed as troublemaking, or disturbing her peace. At some point a few years ago I had to try to acknowledge that my "mother" wasn't really ever a mother. She did her best, but really... somewhere around 8-10 years of age... how she dealt with it was to ignore everything and focus on her own little world.

My MIL does it too. To have two mothers who do this is really hard and more than a bit depressing.

 

[ms spock]

I have always felt that my mother knew what happened to me but just won't tell. I '''almost''' hate her for this and I refuse to feel guilty for this feeling.

... The only relief I've managed to get is due to medications to keep my $hit under some kind of control.

And this old woman knows the secret and just won't tell me. She refuses to discuss anything remotely connected to whatever happened to me. I hate her for that.

Your mother is very lucky. You are so generous to still see her despite her not telling her the truth about things that are so crucial to your survival and healing.

I don't think I could do what you are doing by being so generous to keep seeing your mother. She doesn't have to deal with a whole raft of issues by you maintaining contact. That is big of you.

 

[Dissociated1]

It was eerie reading your post, Froggie- my mother is 81 has early onset dementia, was recently diagnosed as bipolar and has refused to assume responsibility her actions my entire life. She recently confided in me that she was repeatedly molested by one of her brothers as a young girl. I am an only child and my father passed away in 1991; when my Mother is gone all ties with the past will be lost.

 

[Froggie]

((((Dissociated!)))), this forum is great as we can share our experiences and feelings openly without any judgement. It helps to put certain things / events into perspective so that we can move on.

 

[Taven Carlsen]

My grandmother is dying now, and she's covered up/avoided/pretended heavily her whole (married) life. No wonder my father tried to keep us (and himself) away from his family for the first half of my life, and no wonder the family is being so evil during her last few months.

Just another reason to face things down even if it won't be easy. Either move the problem or move yourself.